I learned with my last miracle baby how much I had stepped away from what truly was in my stewardship. In my ignorance, I felt like if God wanted to bless us with a good outcome He would and if He didn't it must have meant that it just wasn't His will. By the point I came to the realization that I was allowing myself to be acted upon I was limited in how I could act. I have seen in my life that my previous choices to be acted upon limit the number of choices available in the future. It closes doors, whereas, when I choose to act, the number of choices increases. By that point with our baby, prayer was the only action we had left to take. Acting changed the course I was on and rather than continuing to be acted upon, we were able to exercise faith unto a miracle. He was waiting for our action to be able to grant us that blessing.
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Since having gone from one "extreme" of being acted upon to the other of acting, I have been seeking the past few years to find proper balance. I have learned that I have often taken the long road to get to where I was going. Because of my choices, I have made many life experiences more challenging than they needed to be. Often, because of my pride, it hits a point where I am compelled to action rather than humbling myself and seeking to know His will and being shown that directly. He is so patient with me and I really don't think He is as focused on the details as I sometimes get hung up on of how I will become who He needs as much as just becoming that... however I get to that point. Our future is constantly changing. I truly believe there is more than one perfect way to "get there." My journey could progress in a number of ways and that depends largely upon how I exercise my agency. I have come to understand that I can learn without difficulties or trials being the only way to do that. I can be stretched simply by seeking to know His will. He is ready for us to come to Him and ask and seek. Often I haven't received answers simply because I wasn't asking Him for them.
So as I have been taking what I know in theory into living it with our current situation, this week I have felt like a bit like a failure. I have so many tools at my fingertips.
I am Child Birth Educator. I understand how to keep pregnancies low risk. I didn't prevent a "special attention" pregnancy.
I do energy work on myself every day. In over a year of daily energy work, I still wasn't able to get to the bottom of all of this.
My husband has been so tender of my feelings and has been a sounding board as I am sorting through feelings and seeking to stay balanced every day.
I have begun to recognize that "change of plans life experiences"aren't necessarily cut and dried. There are a few more components. If we have challenges, although it may mean we missed something or did/didn't do something, etc...it doesn't necessarily mean that either. Rather than looking at it from where I have been, I need to see it from a few different angles. As I shifted my perspective, it brought me right back to the same answers I had initially.
I know good people who have had bad things happen to them. Lost jobs, illness, heartaches with children...the list goes on and on. Since my miracle baby, I have had other life experiences where I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for relief. I prayed for a different outcome. I had the same faith as I did with our little guy, yet He simply couldn't give me what I was asking for. He still very much loves me, but it wasn't His will to grant what I was seeking. I had been praying for my will, not seeking to align it with His. I loved in the General Relief Society Broadcast when sister Linda S. Reeves said the following:
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"Almost three years ago a devastating fire gutted the interior of the beloved, historic tabernacle in Provo, Utah. Its loss was deemed a great tragedy by both the community and Church members. Many wondered, 'Why did the Lord let this happen? Surely He could have prevented the fire or stopped its destruction.'
Ten months later, during the October 2011 general conference, there was an audible gasp when President Thomas S. Monson announced that the nearly destroyed tabernacle was to become a holy temple—a house of the Lord! Suddenly we could see what the Lord had always known! He didn’t cause the fire, but He allowed the fire to strip away the interior. He saw the tabernacle as a magnificent temple—a permanent home for making sacred, eternal covenants.4
My dear sisters, the Lord allows us to be tried and tested, sometimes to our maximum capacity. We have seen the lives of loved ones—and maybe our own—figuratively burned to the ground and have wondered why a loving and caring Heavenly Father would allow such things to happen. But He does not leave us in the ashes; He stands with open arms, eagerly inviting us to come to Him. He is building our lives into magnificent temples where His Spirit can dwell eternally."
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Another blessing of insight this week came as I considered my "failure" as a Thetahealing Practitioner to not be able to prevent or clear this.Our subconscious mind is simply amazing when it comes to changing beliefs or accepting a healing. It will "protect" us by not accepting a new belief or healing if the old belief or something associated with it is "serving us." I remember the first realization I came to of when I discovered that I was creating an awful situation in my life because it was serving me. At first I was angry, then it was almost comical. Why did I want that negative outcome? But when I looked at why it was serving me, it all made sense. I had created the turmoil because it satisfied the belief behind it.
A few examples of what I mean by serving me:
This one is mine. I know for me a big one was the need for drama. I was literally unable to be still because the drama was serving me. It was keeping me busy. It was giving me something to complain about. I always had some big dramatic story to "entertain" others with. I did not know how to hold peace & joy. Once I recognized the connection of the turmoil to my need for drama and desired a change, I was ready. As I cleared away the need for drama, it was no surprise that my family's health improved and we rarely have the car break down or appliances break down and we always have enough money to be able to cover our needs, etc. All because the drama was no longer serving me.
Beliefs can serve us in a good way too. Say someone was abused (not me, just a good example). Although it would really free up her mind and soul to clear away resentment towards her abuser, she cannot accept that yet. Her subconscious is protecting her from clearing resentment towards her abuser because that life experience is connected to the belief that she will not harm her children. (I was abused, therefore I will not abuse). At this point, you would need to detach the belief from the resentment. She needs beliefs along the lines of "I can be kind and firm to my children," "I know how that feels," "I can be a loving mother," etc. Whatever detailed beliefs she needs. THEN the resentment can be cleared because it is no longer serving her.
One night as I was expressing my feelings of frustration that I couldn't prevent or change our situation, my husband began digging on me. (We call it digging in Thetahealing, meaning getting to the bottom belief. Why is this serving me? What is the belief or reason behind it?) It was interesting what we found. He pointed out that it is serving me, but in a way we have not encountered before in all of our digging.
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Before I can share, I want to talk about Sacred Contracts. I believe that before we came to the earth, we made promises with Heavenly Father. We promised to do certain things in our lives. To show up at just the right time, to play roles in others' journey that would aid in their progression. If we decide not to honor a Sacred Contract, there will be another sent in our place to fulfill it, yet it to our great growth and blessing that we seek to follow the Spirit to be able to fulfill these.
Here is a perfect example of what I am talking about. I have loved this parable from the moment I first read it. In her book "Remembering Wholeness," Carol Tuttle shares an excerpt from a book called "Conversations with god: An Uncommon Dialogue; Book 3."
"[God talking:] 'You may choose to be any part of God you wish to be,' I said to the Little Soul. 'You are Absolute Divinity, experiencing Itself. What Aspect of Divinity do you now wish to experience as You?'
'You mean I have a choice?' asked the Little Soul. And I answered, 'Yes. You may choose to experience any Aspect of Divinity in, as, and through you.'
'Okay,' said the Little Soul, 'then I choose Forgiveness. I want to experience my Self as that Aspect of God called Complete Forgiveness.'
Well, this created a little challenge, as you can imagine.
There was no one to forgive. All I have created is Perfection and Love.
'No one to forgive?" asked the Little Soul, somewhat incredulously.
'No one,' I repeated. 'Look around you. Do you see any souls less perfect, less wonderful than you?'
At this the LIttle Soul twirled around, and was surprised to see himself surrounded by all the souls in heaven. They had come from far and wide throughout the Kingdom, because they heard that the Little Soul was having an extraordinary conversation with God.
'I see none less perfect than I!' the Little Soul exclaimed.
'Who, then, shall I have to forgive?'
Just then, anotehr soul stepped forward from the crowd.
'You may forgive me,' said this Friendly Soul.
'For what?' the Little Soul asked.
'I will come into your physical lifetime and do something for you to forgive,' replied the Friendly Soul.
'But what? What could you, a being of such Perfect Light, do to make me want to forgive you?' the Little Soul wanted to know.
'Oh,' smiled the Friendly Soul, 'I'm sure we can think of something.'
'But why would you want to do this?' The Little Soul coud not figure out why a being of such perfection would want to slow down its vibration so much that it could actually do something 'bad.'
'Simple,' the Friendly Soul explained, "I would do it because I love you. You want ot experience your Self as Forgiving, don't you?...
'I ask only one thing in return,' the Friendly Soul declared.
'Anything! Anything,' the Little Soul cried. He was excited now to know that he could experience each Divine Aspect of God. He understood, now, The Plan.
'In the moment that I strike you and smite you,' said the Friendly Soul, 'in the moment that I do the worse to you that you could ever imagine---in that self-same moment...remember Who I Really Am.'
'Oh, I won't forget!' promised the Little Soul. 'I will see you in the perfection with which I hold you now, and I will remember Who You Are, always.'
We discovered that it is serving me to be able to keep Sacred Contracts. I could not accept a healing because it's serving me to allow the fulfillment of what I promised to do.
I strongly believe my first two "special attention" pregnancy babies made Sacred Contracts to do that for me in order for me to grow and progress on my journey.
This time it feels like I have made a Sacred Contract for Shipton. That as he looked at what he wanted to become in his life, this life experience was orchestrated to help him on in his journey. I still don't know what that means or the details, but although it pains me for this to happen to him, God has allowed this fire. He understands what I can't and I can put my full trust in Him.
Where does the atonement fit in all of this? As I seek to align my will with His, I have found peace in His strength as I have turned this over to Him. It is because of the atonement that we are able to be changed and have the strength to act. Through the atonement we can find healing as we seek to rebuild after the fiery trials of our faith. He is the master healer and the atonement covers every hurt and heartache. I stand witness to that. He is carrying each emotion and feeling as I hand them over to Him.
I am grateful for the reassurance that little Shipton and myself are in His loving care. He is ultimately in control. We have done all within our power and will continue to do so. What is left to fear when we know we have been working in His strength?
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RN, HCHI, HCHD, Thetahealing Practitioner