Cascading triggers...

Last November Mark approached me with the idea of putting up his profile in LDS Casting to be an extra (background person) with his primary goal to be in the LDS Church's recording of the Book of Mormon clips.  I can wholeheartedly support him in that!  The tricky part came, however, in that it would require him to have a full beard and long hair.

We both knew that in the past, him growing facial hair has been a trigger for me.  It's one of those cascading triggers I have mentioned before.  When I say cascading I mean one trigger that, like the first toppled domino, sets of an entire chain-reaction of other triggers.  For me, him growing a beard triggers 3 major things (that I can put into words).

1.  The only other time he grew a beard during our entire marriage was at the peak of the darkest of the dark.  He wasn't taking care of himself (and not just emotionally/mentally, but basic physical needs like eating, showering, wearing deodorant, etc).  He neglected his facial hair like many of his physical needs and the beard started to grow and grew and grew.  I'm not sure how to better put that into words, but Mark growing facial hair triggered things surrounding safety and fear for me because in the past it was indicative of him not taking care of himself.  It is one of those triggers that would have me back in the past, reliving that dark, dark time of fearing for his life, safety, and our future.

2.  The beard also triggered things related to safety and fear because he had such a punk attitude about it.  When I tried to offer suggestions or express that I didn't like it, he not only shot me down, but also fought back harder on it.  Even though it was about the beard, it wasn't only about the beard.  The beard became the epitome of him at this time---of his unwillingness to listen to the expression of how I was feeling and what I was needing to feel safe, validated, or heard.  So when Mark would grow facial hair, it would hit on, again, my fear for emotional safety.

3.  As I have hit on already, his facial hair is just a trigger in general to how bad things really were at that time.  It can be difficult to live in the present because of the past.  I recently heard a quote that went something like this: "Trauma is the only mental health issue that is based on reality."  Traumatic events REALLY happened!  Unless we know how to spot them and what to do about them, we will fall victim again, but this time to our own minds, emotions, and patterns.

So...he gently asked if I felt ready to support him in this.  For about a year or so before he asked, I was finally able to tolerate him only shaving a few days a week.  As I thought it over and we discussed it last fall, we decided to give it a try.

So it grew...and it grew...

Haha :)

We found out a few weeks ago that he didn't make the cut for this year, but it will be a 5-6 year project.  I'm not sure if we are going to be on board for THAT long.  LDS Casting will be sending out the application for next year's summer recording in a few months, so it's not worth completely shaving.  Plus Mark just auditioned for Savior of the World (a beautiful play about the events surrounding Christ's birth and death.  Go check it out on Temple Square around Christmas time!).  With those things coming up, it isn't a good time to part with it yet.

But at the same time, I have reached my max with it.  I have been surprised with how okay it has overall been for me the past 10ish months of growth.  But for whatever reason, I have reached my safety max without going into triggered with it.  It's one thing to have it growing with an end date in mind.  It's one thing to have a beard that is regularly groomed.  I couldn't face another day of an indefinite un-groomed beard!  It was an open and safe conversation where we both were able to talk in ways that we wouldn't have years before as we expressed "I needs," "I think's," and "I feels" (rather than "YOU's..."). We both know that it has been really fun for him to grow it out, yet I have been extremely patient with something that isn't even remotely attractive to me. :) I am thankful that we are different spouses than we used to be and that we have learned to listen better to each other, and usually without defense.

While I cut his beard last night, I apologized for how difficult I am to live with.  I have remorse that things bother me that "shouldn't" or "wouldn't" be a big deal to "normal" people.  He stopped me, grabbed my hands and said, "Katy, it's because I didn't create the safety for you in the past.  I am committed to do that for you now."  Oooooh!  That was a good response!  It hasn't always been like that.  He hasn't always been able to make sense of the trigger/trauma madness, especially in intense moments.  He hasn't always been able to see it from my perspective or to help link it to the past.  And I haven't always been aware enough of myself to know what I need. I also haven't always expressed those needs, but we are usually a pretty good team now.

This is the after picture. I LOVE it so much better!  He can still be in Savior of the World and has plenty of growing room for his hopes for next summer. I am much happier that I can actually see his face and his smile!  This is the most attracted to my husband's physical appearance I have felt in a long time! :)

After peeling back this layer of healing together, it alerted me to some pent-up emotions.  Normally I would need a good cry, but guess what happened this time?  After I cut his beard and was about to toss the little beard pigtails in the trash, Mark confessed in grave sadness that he was wanting to grow out his beard to donate it to Locks of Love.  WHAT?!  He.was.serious!  He had even researched about it.  Some poor unsuspecting person could have ended up with Mark's lunch that missed his mouth on.their.head!  Haha...it hit me as extremely funny.  So we ended the night like THIS...then I still laughed with this intensity for about 2 more hours!  (Be careful not to pee your pants laughing if you watch that clip.) It was a delightful surprise way to release the emotions from our big conversation.

We are determined to tackle the triggers and the trauma together, even if it means one at a time and it takes us the rest of our lives to uncover them all.