My Name is Ashley



My name is Ashley and I’m thankful for the opportunity to share my story with you.  If you are dealing with this addiction or supporting a spouse with an addiction, I hope it helps you feel some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. If you aren’t dealing with this particular issue I hope that this will give you some insight and maybe some compassion for others who are.



I met my husband, Brandon in January of 2005 at BYU-Idaho.  He was fresh off his mission to the Philippines and I finished my high school credits early so I went to college.  We have one of those crazy BYU-Idaho stories where we met, were engaged and married all within 5 months.  The night I met Brandon I knew I would marry him and the more I prayed about it the stronger those feelings became.  I remember asking him about pornography before we got married.  He told me that he had seen it but it wasn’t a problem anymore.  That was it, that was our whole discussion on the topic.



The first year of marriage was hard but great.  A year and a month after we got married we welcomed our first son.  He was born with a heart condition and had open-heart surgery at Primary Children’s Medical Center in Salt Lake. We spent a month down there while he healed.  Brandon missed a lot of work but thankfully we were home in time for him to start another semester.  This is when things took a turn.  Being new parents with a child who needed a lot of medical attention was taxing to say the least.  There was so much stress between school, work, our marriage, and our healing baby.  So much stress that Brandon started acting out again.

Our first disclosure was in August 2007.  Brandon left me a note under the TV remote to find sometime during the day.  In the note he told me that he had been struggling with pornography for some time and it was eating him up so he had to tell me.  I had no idea.  I remember turning on our laptop and looking at the history, this was before he figured out that you can clear it, and I was devastated.  When he came home from work we got into a huge fight and I was done.  I was packing my bags and leaving.  I called my parents and told them that I wanted to come home.  They gave me some advice and calmed me down a bit.  They told me that if I loved Brandon even a little bit, and not just because he is the father of my child, then I owed it to myself to stay and at least try to work it out.  They told me that eventually I would regret just giving up and not fighting. I decided to stay but also that I needed some space, so I went to Utah for a week to spend time with family.  While I was gone he acted out more.  The guilt caught up to him and he spoke with our Bishop.  The bishop’s advice to him was to read his scriptures and pray more but to also tell me everything when I got home, everything but the fact that he had also been masturbating.  When I got home Brandon ended up telling me everything.  After that I refused to speak to the bishop about it and we began our decline from being active in the church.  (I do not blame this bishop; I recognize that this was our own choice.) Nothing about addiction was ever mentioned up to this point.

Over the course of the next 4 years we had 2 more disclosures.  One where he came to me, and one where I found him looking at things.  We didn’t go speak with bishops or therapists at either of these times.  We basically swept it under the rug and went on with life.  Looking back on it I have no idea how we lived like that.  After each disclosure, he would promise me that he wouldn’t look at it anymore and I would believe him.  I would periodically ask him how he was doing and he would tell me that he was doing really well.  From 2011 to 2016 I believed that we were the happiest we’ve ever been.  I found no signs of pornography use and felt comforted by that.  By January 2016 we had 5 kids, had bought a home, had become active in the church again, and he had found a job that he loved.  I felt like things couldn’t get any better!

Around the middle of January 2016 some friends in our ward “went public” with their story of addiction and recovery on Instagram and Facebook.  I was blown away by their story, it sounded so similar to ours.  For the first time I heard about betrayal/relational trauma and it resonated with me so deeply.  I sent their pages to Brandon and he read through this brother’s story.  For the first time he felt that there was hope for him, he didn’t have to take all of his secrets to the grave, he could live a life free from pornography and masturbation.  But of course, that meant he would have to tell me about his secret life and crush me again. He did some research on recovery programs and then came to me with our 4th disclosure on the 31st.  While I shouldn’t have been, I was shocked.  He had become a master manipulator and was so good at lying that I had no idea that he had been acting out for the last 5 years.  Looking back on those years, I can tell that we weren’t as happy as I thought. Sometimes it felt like we were just roommates, it was just about work and the kids, there was no real connection happening.  I felt crazy because whenever I would bring up the fact that I wasn’t feeling connected, he would get defensive and put the blame on me. (I now know this is called Crazy Making and a lot of addicts use it.) I felt like the disconnect in our marriage was my fault because I wasn’t skinny or pretty enough, maybe if I kept the house clean or had homemade dinners ready every night he would be happier, my depression was keeping me from being happy, we weren’t connecting intimately as much as we should. I came up with so many reasons why it was all my fault. (I realize that I wasn’t blameless in our marital issues and I take full responsibility for my part.)

For the next couple of weeks, we researched and dove head first into this new-found recovery world.  It was overwhelming to say the least.  Brandon started to attend the Church’s Addiction Recovery Program and I read every book I could get my hands on because I wasn’t quite ready for support groups.  My favorite book was “What Can I Do About Me?” by Rhyll Croshaw.  I felt so much validation from her book! Another amazing book that helped us understand what we were really dealing with is “Sitting in a Rowboat Throwing Marbles at a Battleship” by Andrew Pipanne. (you can find most of the book online at rowboatsandmarbles.org) From this book we learned that the problem isn’t just pornography use but lust. Lust is the root of sex addiction. We also met with our bishop and he was extremely supportive of both of us. Having help from him has been a great blessing. We also found the LifeStar group therapy program and felt like it was the right thing for us.  Group therapy isn’t for everyone but it was a great thing for us! We met so many wonderful people and made lifelong friends. At LifeStar we learned some valuable tools to help us deal with addiction and trauma. We learned about the addiction cycle, the fear cycle, boundaries, providing safety, expressing anger, and many other helpful things.  We actually didn’t finish the program because we felt that we had gotten what we needed and our children needed us to focus on them.  I eventually attended a couple of support groups for spouses (the Church’s and SA Lifeline), I honestly never felt comfortable there and decided that they weren’t a good fit for me.  The best advice I’ve ever received about recovery is that everyone does it differently so find what works for you and don’t feel pressured into doing things a “certain way”.  One of the biggest helps for me has been sharing my story on Instagram.  I made an account that started out as anonymous, @FightingForEternity. (Brandon also shares his story @Truth.Set.Free) I found a whole world of women sharing their stories as well and felt an instant connection with each of them! I have had the privilege of meeting some of these women in real life and have become friends with them.  I hold their friendship dearly, they understand me in a way that no one else can, they’ve been there for me in my darkest times and have helped me pull out.  Finding “my tribe” has been one of the biggest blessings! Brandon currently attends SA Lifeline 12 step group and he is loving it! But it did bring about one of the hardest things we’ve ever done, his 1st step inventory.  This was a written out inventory of everything he did in his addiction.  It took him a long time to write it and it was heartbreaking to hear.  I didn’t know that this addiction had such a strong hold on him.  While hearing these things was one of the most painful things I’ve experienced, it brought us closer together! It was all out there, I knew his deepest and darkest secrets and I still loved him.  I saw him for who he wanted to become and who I knew he could be.  He is one of the strongest people I know! Our relationship will always be a work in progress and I have no idea what the future holds for us, but right now we’re fighting it.  I see the most amazing changes in my husband and I’m so proud of all that he’s accomplished.  I’m also proud of the things that I’ve accomplished.  I still have bad days, I have days where depressive thoughts take over.  I allow myself to have those days, I don’t wallow but I let my feelings present themselves.  It’s easy to feel like my husband has this addiction because of me, I’ve gained weight since we were married and don’t have the greatest self-esteem any more.  But the more I’ve been learning the more I know that his addiction wasn’t my fault.  He saw a movie at a friend’s house when he was 13 and things got progressively worse from there.  He was deep in this addiction long before I came along.

We’ve had our ups and downs on this recovery rollercoaster and certain things are still a daily struggle but we have faith that we are on the right path for us.  We were led to our ward and brought back with the guidance of our Heavenly Father.  I can see His hand in bringing us here at the perfect time to begin this recovery journey, and for that I will be eternally grateful! Without Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ I’m not sure where we would be.  Learning to lean on Them in our times of need has been instrumental in our healing.  It’s been a great source of comfort for me to know that the Atonement isn’t just for repenting of our sins but also for emotions and healing.



I would never wish this trial on anyone.  It sucks and I hate it.  But if I’m being really honest with myself, I would never give it back either.  Being married to an addict has hurt me deeply but it has also shaped me into the woman I am today.  Being married to an addict isn’t easy, but if both of you are really willing to work on yourselves and your marriage then there’s hope. There is hope for a life free of pornography! On October 2nd, Brandon will be 2 years sober! We realize this isn’t a very long time but it’s the longest he’s ever gone without it, I am incredibly proud of him! Recovery is not an easy road but we share our story to help others in the way we have been helped, if one person hears it and feels some glimmer of hope then this will all be worth it.

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