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| Mark holding Shipton, just minutes old. This is one of my favorite pictures from his birth. |
Almost 4 years ago, we were planning for the birthing time of our third little guy. I wanted to have a different birth from any of our previous births and, together, we began to plan and formulate the details. At the time I was a Hypnobabies instructor and so we literally spent 6 date nights with me teaching us the course. I had used the home study course for our second little guy. His birth was relying more on my own skills because Mark hadn't learned how to directly support my Hypnobabies training (not offered through home study). This time, Mark read me hypnosis scripts every night and we practiced and prepared together. And when it came to my actual birthing time, we were an awesome team.
I had a growing list of requests from a water birth to burning the cord rather than cutting and clamping it to a placenta smoothie. Go check out Mark's recipe clip on my youtube channel...haha Part 1 & Part 2. He even sampled it before serving it to me. :) He is such a good sport! I had big plans and was really excited to set up my dream birth as well as the connected birthing time Shipton needed.
He asked me where I envisioned setting up our "birth nest." I told him honestly that the basement seemed like the most cozy, private, and spacious place to do it; however, it wouldn't be possible. "Why not?" He wanted to know. I explained that without a bathroom on that level we would run into problems. This may be TMI, but he committed to use our emergency camp toilet (a bucket with a toilet seat for the lid) and promised to empty it as I used it. He also figured out how to run a long hose all the way to the basement with an adapter attached to the sink in the half bath to fill up the birthing tub. He did test runs to see if the sump pump could handle emptying the tub and it worked! He not only said he would do those things so I could have the place I wanted the most, but he also followed through with all of them.
And since I lost so much blood giving birth, and I was at home, he was my nurse. (One of the placentas---Ship was a twin---or part of one detached before the other or the rest. The midwives gave me two shots of Pitocin and eventually I had enough pressure waves----contractions---going to birth the placenta, but not before I lost a good amount of blood first.) The first night the midwife ordered me to stay down. TMI again? That meant I had to use a bedpan. Guess who did that for me?:) Mark. The first few days I needed more care and he was right there to do whatever I needed. He did it tenderly and respectfully. He was never impatient or annoyed about it.
Writing it out like this sounds a bit silly. But for me, this was a huge, huge experience to rebuild trust. I needed him...I needed him during my birthing time to support me in my hypnosis tools, to read my cues, to catch my baby...I needed his patient and gentle care during the recovery time, especially where my body gave so much this time with the extra blood loss. There were times in the past that I needed him and he wasn't there.
But this time he was there---to support me in huge ways and in the roles that nobody else could fulfill like he could as my husband.
1. He rebuilt trust by doing what I needed in order to feel safe at this vulnerable time.
The second time was almost 3 years ago. I had, what seemed to me, the oddest experience. One day it hit me hard that the holidays were coming up. I would be seeing individuals who I had been interacting with for almost 3 years since D-Day ("Discovery Day," or the day Mark told me about his relapsing). I had gone to gatherings and events and interacted with these individuals as if nothing was wrong and I had felt okay to do so at the time. However, because of my feelings being turned back on through the recovery work I had been doing and painful things were up at the surface and really raw, I was suddenly not okay to interact with these people.
Have you ever been half-dressed when the doorbell rings? That is exactly how I felt. I was left with the awkward decision of do I: 1. hurry and just grab any piece of clothing and throw it on and race to answer the door? or 2. do I ignore the doorbell and finish getting dressed? I knew that I wouldn't respond to others like I had in the past. In particular, when I was met with shame I would shut down and freeze. I knew I wouldn't freeze any more, but, like the split-second decision of whether or not to answer the door, I only had one leg in my recovery pants so far. I knew I wouldn't respond in old ways...but what would I do? As I thought it over, I could honestly see myself clocking somebody instead of freezing! I had reoccurring dreams of yelling at people, swearing at them, and flipping them off! What if that happened in real life because I hurried myself along and stuffed myself back into whatever I could find available in order to go and answer the door, or go to the holiday gatherings and events?
This time I wasn't as sure what I needed. I didn't have a neat list like I had in my birth preparations. I wasn't even sure what I was feeling because it was the first time I hadn't been able to just bounce right back and face everyone. Thanksgiving was only a few weeks away, so I was also feeling pressure to get my crap figured out and together! I took this experience to my counselor. She was a fabulous sounding board and we concluded the session by empowering me with directions. My assignment was to figure out what I needed in order to be able to go. What would I need Mark to do to create safety for me in this situation?
Together we discussed my list and we tweaked it and he committed to it. Then a few days later he came home with bags and bags of groceries. "What are you doing?" I asked him.
He smiled his gentle smile as he replied,"I bought us everything we need to make Thanksgiving dinner at home. I want you to know that even if you decide last minute that you can't go, I support you. You need to do whatever you need to do. If you don't feel like you can go, then we can't go. So the turkey will be in the fridge just in case. If you feel up to going then we will just fix it another time."
I ran into his arms and kissed him as tears ran down my cheeks. He understood me! I felt so validated! It completely took the pressure off of me to have to decide ahead of time. I knew that if we went that he would follow through with the safety plan I needed. I knew that if we stayed home that he would be supportive of me too. Just the fact that he was willing to do whatever I needed made me feel safe (even though he hadn't even followed through with it yet).
We ended up last minute deciding to stay home that time. I didn't feel safe that year to go. I actually didn't feel safe to go to any holiday gatherings that yea. And it's okay. Especially when I realize that because I took the time to get dressed right (I didn't rush the healing process for myself), I can now interact with those same individuals that I was dreading and felt complete fear and panic about doing so previously. I am secure in my shame reactions now and I haven't ever punched anybody, flipped anybody off, or sworn at them either (except a cuss word here and there, but usually at my kids). :) At first I felt bad that it meant that my husband and kids didn't get to go to any holiday gatherings that year; however, in the long run, it was better for me and us.
2. He rebuilt trust by discussing my needs without defense.
This last one is probably the most difficult for me to talk about. I want to do so carefully, acknowledging that everyone involved did the best they could. All of us were doing what seemed right to us in order to keep Mark afloat---some days that was even just alive! We all made mistakes. I don't hold malice or blame. It's just part of my story that I have finally come to terms with.
There were discussions Mark had with other individuals where he only shared half of the story (his half). I was painted in the blackest of hues and as a crazy, controlling wife. Yes, I contributed to the mess. Yes, I was pretty controlling at times; however, my life was in shambles and I was trying to help Mark and protect myself and the kids.
After the private time to myself over the holidays, I realized I needed something more from Mark. It felt too much to ask at first, but finally I had the guts to tell him what I needed. We were sitting in the temple parking lot having just gone on a temple date. "Mark, I need you to go to those certain individuals and tell them what was actually going on. And with the few who knew generally about you acting out on your addiction, I need you to take responsibility. Right now if feels like those few who know are still blaming me. These conversations were left off with me framed as a B-word. :) All they know is that we didn't get divorced, but they have no idea why we were even that close in the first place. They don't understand the choices that I have made to stand by your side through this. I need you to explain to them about the addiction and take responsibility for your actions. I need you to go back and reconcile what you said to them about me. I need closure like this in order to heal."
That one didn't come as easily, but over the course of a few weeks, Mark roughed out a game plan to tackle building safety for me here too. Some individuals he met with in person. Some he attempted to call and didn't get return calls. So he finally e-mailed the rest he had been unable to meet with in person or over the phone. He didn't share details, but generally explained the untold other side of the story.
As he read me what he had sent to them, I felt validated. The ways he spoke of me were reflective of the dignity and respect that I deserve as the wife of a sex addict. The responses were varied, but that isn't what I needed in order to feel safe and heal. I needed Mark to show that he was willing to go to any length to stand up for truth, and particularly with the ways he had defamed me through these interactions.
I read some pretty amazing examples that reminded me of this in the book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. One woman found out her husband had been having affairs in his truck. She realized that in order to feel safe, she needed him to sell the truck (and he did). Another woman discovered that their home held too many painful memories. So they decided to sell their home and build a brand-new dream home together. The point of me sharing this last story is that it's okay to ask for whatever we need in order to feel safe. It isn't about punishing him or making him feel bad. If it is necessary for us to be able to heal and move forward, than nothing is too great to ask of him.
3. Mark built safety for me by being willing to do anything I needed---even the big things.
I know it probably seems like I only share the happy parts most of the time. Really now there are usually more happy than hard or difficult or sad parts any more. Don't get me wrong though. There have been plenty of times Mark has blown it and dropped me. There have been times that I have been difficult to interact with too. The amazing thing about all of this, though, is that when there are two individuals who are both willing and both trying to do everything they can, I believe marriages can heal and trust can grow again.
There have been times that tiny and slow progress has been made over the course of weeks or months; however, in a moment of impatience, harshness, or Mark saying my name in a certain-triggering-tone-of-voice, all of that careful progress has been shattered again. It's been slow going, especially at first.
But there is hope! And as we give our whole heart to God through Christ, He gives it back and we are able to be a better spouse for our husband or wife. We don't have to try to rebuild trust in our own strength! We can make a wonderful team as we reach heavenward in the painful re-growing process.
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