Bishops and other priesthood leaders come from a wide variety of backgrounds, upbringings, and life experiences. I believe it isn't fair to make blanket statements or perpetuate stereotypes. I personally know individuals who have been hurt as they have worked with their priesthood leaders. I know individuals who have felt heard and loved as they have worked with their priesthood leaders. I hope to acknowledge both sides so we can come together and open up a dialogue. When there is an "us" against "them," we are usually distracted from addressing and resolving the actual problem. I am not attempting to resolve this complex issue, but I want to be clear on where I stand with it and offer some food for thought. Is it possible to see both sides? I believe it is and we can choose to be part of the solution.
We need to do all in our power to become educated to protect ourselves, our children, the children, or others to prevent violation or abuse from happening in the first place. I believe that means in any circumstance or setting. We need to be aware rather than expecting or waiting others to do it for us. Unfortunately, there is no safe place that we can let our guard down. We need to listen to our gut (for ourselves, our kids, and those we love). We need to speak sensitively but confidently as we teach our children; we need to talk to them about preventing and reporting abuse. We also need to help the reporting process to properly take place and to support those who are healing from the effects of abuse. Sometimes that doesn't happen. Sometimes people slip through the cracks in the prevention and/or reporting and/or healing process. That is heartbreaking! It adds an additional layer of complexity when the broken process is associated with safe havens, such as within families or congregations or leaders who either create the initial abuse or compound the situation by mishandling it.
But the solution I do want to offer today is to help qualify our leaders in the complex issues they are expected to address. I do not have personal experience with abuse; however, I have loved ones who do. I can easily touch that part of myself that knows what violation, not being believed, or feeling responsible for others' actions feels like. With multiple recent current events, I am writing this post with abuse in mind, yet I believe it has a broader application. We can support our leaders by helping to qualify them in any life event or complex situation that we have adequate personal experience or expertise in. I mean that with respect. God can already qualify them as His instrument, as they allow Him to. We cannot take the place of that qualification. No amount of education or awareness of man-made protocols or solutions can trump that qualification. I believe as we accept callings to serve and we are set apart in that capacity, we are literally called by God Himself. We have a mantle and a stewardship and the opportunity to serve individuals alongside our Savior. I have experienced countless times where God has blessed me with flashes of inspirations to know how to reach His individual children within my stewardship. I have known just the right things to say or how to say them. I have known exactly what needed to be done. I have been enlightened to find answers to questions or solutions to problems. I believe our priesthood leaders are called of God, too. I see "6" here. The calling of our leaders or the places God needs an individual to serve is not the same as establishing a president of an organization. It isn't by popular vote and may not even follow obvious "logic" or "reason." God calls who He needs and He qualifies who He calls (as we allow Him to qualify us---the may require a process rather than a one-time event).
Before you start yelling, "9" at me, I see the flip-side, too. Not every leader has worked through the process to be prepared to adequately meet the needs of the individuals they serve. Not every leader has honest and good intentions. No individual serves perfectly all of the time. Sometimes those short-comings really don't make an eternal impact. For example, maybe a teacher doesn't look at the lesson until half-heartedly throwing something together during Sacrament meeting. That isn't the ideal and it's unfortunate that it happens that way, but it may be "okay---" I acknowledge that one lesson, prepared for the individual, may have eternal impact. I am not trying to make light of this important opportunity. Other times the misgivings, short-comings, ignorance, or even sins as an individual exercises unrighteous dominion in their calling can be extremely detrimental. I see "9," too.
Although I cannot wave a magic wand and fix the real and heart-wrenching individuals' experiences, I can do all within my power to make the process smoother within my circle of influence. I can do my very best to spare individuals from unnecessary hurt or secondary trauma. I see "9" that not every leader or priesthood leader is prepared, aware, receptive, or humble enough to admit that they don't have experience with whatever situation presents itself. Personally, I wonder if sometimes it hits a little "too close to home," hence the defensiveness of some leaders. Yet in my personal experience, I have seen "6" as I have interacted with my priesthood leaders in regards to betrayal trauma. They have genuinely cared and wanted to understand how best to support me and other women like me. That doesn't mean that they were perfect all of the time. It doesn't mean that they did everything "right," but as a friend once said while our gospel doctrine class discussed priesthood leaders, I believe, "It all works out in the wash." As our leaders honestly seek to be qualified---being called by God Himself and also by becoming educated, aware, and willing to continue to seek, study, and learn about difficult and complex issues---the counsel they offer us that we prayerfully consider will all work out in the wash. We must do our part. We cannot expect our leaders to take the place of professionals. Unless they are therapists or come from a similar background, most leaders cannot do that. Why would we expect that from them? I do, however, believe it's fair to expect that they have enough of a general understanding, awareness, and education to be sensitive to difficult situations and to connect individuals with appropriate and helpful resources. If that isn't our experience, I believe we can be part of the solution. How can we expect them to understand without our help and encouragement? I also believe that they can earn the privilege of being on an individual's support team for the spiritual healing needs. Just like professionals' roles in our healing process cannot be duplicated, neither can our bishop's role be duplicated! They can offer spiritual counseling that cannot be offered anywhere else. I see "9" that it doesn't always happen like that. We cannot draw water from an empty well. I believe as we become more aware (and support our leaders as they do the same), we can have what we need to heal and God is better able to use us to help love and support His other children.
I see we have a two-fold responsibility. We are responsible for our end. We need to become aware, educated, and understand how to prevent abuse and how to properly report it and discover the resources to be able to heal from it. We can't expect our leaders to shoulder the responsibility of abuse or other complex issues alone. ALL of us need to be prepared. We never know when we may be called upon to act at any point in this process or other complex issues for ourselves, our loved-ones, our friends, or ward/stake members.
I believe that each one of us can help qualify our leaders. Again, it isn't the same qualification that God offers, yet maybe in some cases it is actually the very same. God works through means. So why not through you? As you have experiences, education, and expertise, why not prayerfully reach to your leaders and become a resource for your ward or stake family? I'm not talking about ripping leaders apart or assuming we know better than they do. I am not saying that someone off on the side-lines has more know-how about an individual's calling or stewardship. My experience has been that my leaders were much more receptive and even excited about what I shared with them than I expected they would be. I believe a genuine desire to understand and learn is the hallmark of a leader that God can work through. What I am suggesting is partnering with God to know how you can help them understand and be more prepared to interact with other individuals in similar situation. Because of your own healing process, you can probably easily connect them to the most helpful resources that are available for the particular issue you are discussing. I have seen "6" personally here, too. All of my priesthood leaders over the years have been excellent! They have been eager to hear what I was learning in my group counseling program, private counseling, or 12-step. I have never once been "shut down." I have been amazed at my recent experiences. I kept expecting my leaders to tell me no at any point, but as we have tried to improve the outcomes for betrayal trauma in our stake, everything has been met with yes every time. And what if this is your experience, too? I will admit that it has taken more courage than I believed I had within me. I praise God for strengthening me to do it---to stand up and speak out...to offer education and resources...to preach of Christ in the ways He has blessed me in my darkest hours. What if your leaders are like mine? What if they are not only thankful, but also eager to understand what you would offer them? What if God could use you to help qualify them to be more sensitive, aware, and prepared leaders? We can be part of the solution rather than complaining about the "ignorance" of our leaders---both individually or casting blanket statements collectively. Complaining doesn't solve the problem, but following the Spirit on how this might look for each one of us can!
I understand "9" through many dear one's experiences where they haven't felt heard or supported as they came to their leaders for support with various experiences. I know that leaders have used their callings to cause hurt, harm, or for personal gain (whether consciously or subconsciously). It happens. I won't pretend it doesn't. The ideal is that any individual can come to their leaders and be safe, loved, and supported. It may not necessarily be a comfortable experience, especially when repentance or change is needed, but it should never be a shaming, demeaning, or silencing experience. Every leader will have their own style. We may need to learn to work with the quirks or personality differences. Maybe we would do or say something differently than our leader, but we need to let the small stuff go. This isn't our excuse or justification to speak poorly of our leaders. I don't have the answer on how to proceed when we truly experience "9" as we come to our leaders for support or to offer information because I cannot speak from personal experience here. Maybe you can help add to this dialogue in the comments below?
Here are a few things to maybe consider:
1. Become educated. Maybe that is part of why I saw "6" as I healed from betrayal trauma? I was currently working with multiple avenues of professionals for my physical and mental/emotional needs and healing. I was confident in what I was learning and experiencing. A specific example of becoming educated when abuse is involved: did you know there is a 24 hour help line the bishops need to call for anything associated with abuse? Now you do and you can help qualify your bishop so he does, too.
2. Have you clearly expressed your situation? Again, a specific example of abuse: have you called a spade a spade? Are you dancing around it or have you spoken directly about your situation? (ie-my spouse is physically harming me)? We can't hold our leaders responsible for things they aren't aware of.
3. Is it possibly something on your end? Are you in the right or have you become offended from council that is actually spot on, but isn't something that you want to do? You are the expert of you and as you go to God with this, you are the one to call the shot here.
2. If you are in the right, go to the stake president if the bishop isn't receptive. Maybe the bishop needs more practice, but that doesn't mean you need to be left unheard or unable to step forward in the healing process.
3. I believe that sometimes leaders may not be receptive because it hits too close to home. For whatever reason, our interaction is triggering some of their own "stuff." Again, that doesn't mean you need to be left without support. Advocate for yourself! Regardless of how a leader responds or doesn't respond, you are the one to live with the aftermath, so keep trying and reaching.
4. God loves you. He hears your prayers. He knows you and the details of your life. Never stop reaching out to Him!
This post is not written from someone with personal experience with abuse or negative experiences with priesthood leaders, but I hope you will overlook any flaws. Please add to the dialogue. Let's help each other to see both sides without defense. Please be part of the solution within your own circle of influence by educating yourself and seeking to educate and qualify others and your leaders.
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