As we seek to better minister to our spouse, maybe God will help us to realize
that first there is still more refinement ahead of us than we may have expected.
By Divine design, our relationships with others--- especially our spouse and children---
can help us recognize our need for improvement. It can be difficult to see it that way
before working through the processes we have previously visited together. If we have
unresolved things from our past, it can be difficult to see clearly what is actually ours
in this marriage dynamic. The interesting things about a marriage relationship is that
it requires two individuals to both willingly seek to be better in order for it to work. That
is accomplished by a team approach. Side-by-side, we both continue to climb higher
in this exhilarating journey together.
that first there is still more refinement ahead of us than we may have expected.
By Divine design, our relationships with others--- especially our spouse and children---
can help us recognize our need for improvement. It can be difficult to see it that way
before working through the processes we have previously visited together. If we have
unresolved things from our past, it can be difficult to see clearly what is actually ours
in this marriage dynamic. The interesting things about a marriage relationship is that
it requires two individuals to both willingly seek to be better in order for it to work. That
is accomplished by a team approach. Side-by-side, we both continue to climb higher
in this exhilarating journey together.
Surprisingly, I have learned one of the most important ways I can minister to my
husband is by properly understanding what God intends for our relationship to be
like and having clear communication as we grow together in this discovery process.
That can become more difficult if we aren’t aware of the unhelpful or hurtful ways
we may be approaching our relationship and communication with each other.
Let’s visit three triangle, but before I plunge into this next section, let me tell you
three things as clearly as I possibly can.
husband is by properly understanding what God intends for our relationship to be
like and having clear communication as we grow together in this discovery process.
That can become more difficult if we aren’t aware of the unhelpful or hurtful ways
we may be approaching our relationship and communication with each other.
Let’s visit three triangle, but before I plunge into this next section, let me tell you
three things as clearly as I possibly can.
1. This book is not intended to take the place of professional advice. I’m no
professional! Every individual is unique and so is every marriage. When in doubt,
hire good help from those who have more experience and knowledge of what
they are doing.
professional! Every individual is unique and so is every marriage. When in doubt,
hire good help from those who have more experience and knowledge of what
they are doing.
2. If something is seriously wrong in your marriage then get good professional
help! Things like feeling belittled, put down, deeply hurt, living parallel lives
---together, but as if you aren’t ---constant arguing, regular hateful and hurtful
remarks, or similar problems are not normal in a healthy marriage. Marriage
should be respectful at the very least. If you don’t feel safe, and when you are
honest with yourself, it’s more than just an occasional squabble, then maybe it’s
time to reach out for help. Some times and seasons are more stressful than others.
Some times and seasons require uncomfortable adaptation. Even if your spouse
says they feel fine, if you don’t, then seriously consider reaching out. Often couples
try marriage counseling first. Pray about it, but this isn’t a helpful solution for
many situations. Often counseling as individuals first can be more beneficial than
trying to attack a marriage right off.
help! Things like feeling belittled, put down, deeply hurt, living parallel lives
---together, but as if you aren’t ---constant arguing, regular hateful and hurtful
remarks, or similar problems are not normal in a healthy marriage. Marriage
should be respectful at the very least. If you don’t feel safe, and when you are
honest with yourself, it’s more than just an occasional squabble, then maybe it’s
time to reach out for help. Some times and seasons are more stressful than others.
Some times and seasons require uncomfortable adaptation. Even if your spouse
says they feel fine, if you don’t, then seriously consider reaching out. Often couples
try marriage counseling first. Pray about it, but this isn’t a helpful solution for
many situations. Often counseling as individuals first can be more beneficial than
trying to attack a marriage right off.
Also, if you fall into this, “my marriage might be sick” category, consider reaching out
to your bishop. Although most bishops don’t have the experience or training to take the
place of a good therapist or psychologist in professional counseling, your bishop stands
as a judge in Israel and can offer you spiritual counsel.
to your bishop. Although most bishops don’t have the experience or training to take the
place of a good therapist or psychologist in professional counseling, your bishop stands
as a judge in Israel and can offer you spiritual counsel.
As he literally stands in proxy for your Savior, he may be able to offer a balm that you
will not be able to find in professional help alone (See President Eyring’s talk from Oct 2017
Priesthood session). I know there are terrible counselors out there. I know sometimes
bishops try to help, and being humans too, sometimes make hurtful mistakes. Pray about
it and go with what you are directed to do for your situation.
will not be able to find in professional help alone (See President Eyring’s talk from Oct 2017
Priesthood session). I know there are terrible counselors out there. I know sometimes
bishops try to help, and being humans too, sometimes make hurtful mistakes. Pray about
it and go with what you are directed to do for your situation.
3. We learned some really helpful processes and tools to help heal our marriage and
keep it strong. Realize, however, that this chapter isn’t a one stop place to get all of
your answers, especially if you are already struggling with an unhealthy marriage.
Do more studying on your own. Pray about all of this and see if God can give you
more tailored answers or guidance. Now that I feel my hands have been washed
of all of this, let’s step forward! :)
keep it strong. Realize, however, that this chapter isn’t a one stop place to get all of
your answers, especially if you are already struggling with an unhealthy marriage.
Do more studying on your own. Pray about all of this and see if God can give you
more tailored answers or guidance. Now that I feel my hands have been washed
of all of this, let’s step forward! :)
I remember vividly the day my counselor introduced me to what I am about to teach you.
It was exactly what I needed in order to figure out new and healthy ways to interact with others,
especially my husband.
It was exactly what I needed in order to figure out new and healthy ways to interact with others,
especially my husband.
Stephen Karpman, M.D. published an article in 1968 that “has been adapted for use in
structural analysis (defining the conflict roles of persecutor, victim, and rescuer) and
transactional analysis (diagramming how participants switch roles in conflict)...The Drama
Triangle models the connection between personal responsibility and power in conflicts,
and the destructive and shifting roles people play.” (Source).
structural analysis (defining the conflict roles of persecutor, victim, and rescuer) and
transactional analysis (diagramming how participants switch roles in conflict)...The Drama
Triangle models the connection between personal responsibility and power in conflicts,
and the destructive and shifting roles people play.” (Source).
I’m not going to go into as much detail as you can find with a little bit of research
(so if this is something that clicks for you, go check it out further than these pages
will explain). Because of what is in a person’s Belief Boxes, a person can communicate
and interact in ways that are unhealthy, especially when two people are in disagreement.
The purpose is to get the other person to do what the first desires, but goes about it in
unhealthy ways.
(so if this is something that clicks for you, go check it out further than these pages
will explain). Because of what is in a person’s Belief Boxes, a person can communicate
and interact in ways that are unhealthy, especially when two people are in disagreement.
The purpose is to get the other person to do what the first desires, but goes about it in
unhealthy ways.
The Victim: Tries to avoid doing for her/himself what s/he can and should be able to do.
In the movie “Inside Out,” this is the character Sadness. She mopes around and “can’t
even stand up and walk.” She should be able to do that for herself, but for whatever
reason, it is serving her to is play the victim.
The Persecutor: Often shoves the blame on someone else and takes an authoritative
stance. In “Inside Out,” the character Anger fits this roles. He blows up at the slightest
setback. He seeks for control and is critical and often throws that on the other characters.
The Rescuer: loves the other two roles because it gives her/him something to fix
(because now s/he doesn’t have to focus on her/his own anxieties or problems).
Rescuers love to do things for others that they can/should do for themselves. This
perfect arrangement enables the victim and keeps the victim stuck as a dependent
on the rescuer (“Yeah! More problems to fix, so I don’t have to focus on my own!”).
In “Inside Out,” can you see that the character Joy often slips into this role? She talks
about how “everything is good” and is always shouldering other people’s responsibilities
rather than letting them “own it” themselves.
It may sound twisted or even humorous, like in the movie “Inside Out,” but in real life
it isn’t funny. Especially when used in relationships with others and, particularly, those
that should be our most cherished. Remember I told you in the mind chapter that
everything we do, we do for a reason? The important key to understanding why a
person would do this is that each of these roles serves us.
it isn’t funny. Especially when used in relationships with others and, particularly, those
that should be our most cherished. Remember I told you in the mind chapter that
everything we do, we do for a reason? The important key to understanding why a
person would do this is that each of these roles serves us.
The Victim gets to stay the underdog (think about the shameful Satan lies that
would contribute to this kind of thinking and the other roles too). The Rescuer
get to avoid looking at and addressing her/his own problems and often gets some
sort of gain like a self-esteem boost or external reassurance of goodness or value
or worth from what they are doing for other people. The Persecutor doesn’t have
to admit that they are wrong. The ways a favorite role (or any of the roles) serves
a person is different for each individual, but can you see these actions/behaviors
ultimately serve as a distraction for what lies beneath?
The interesting thing I learned is that although we may have our preferred or
habitual role(s), we can ping around going changing role to role in a matter of
seconds. We can especially zing around like this when we “play the game”
with another experienced “player” on a regular basis.
habitual role(s), we can ping around going changing role to role in a matter of
seconds. We can especially zing around like this when we “play the game”
with another experienced “player” on a regular basis.
Two people who are accustomed to unhealthy interactions can get really good at
this (which is not a good thing, by the way)! The other person doesn’t necessarily
have to be your spouse. You can have Drama Triangle interactions with anybody.
We know the next person’s “move” well just like they innately know ours.
this (which is not a good thing, by the way)! The other person doesn’t necessarily
have to be your spouse. You can have Drama Triangle interactions with anybody.
We know the next person’s “move” well just like they innately know ours.
And in a sick and twisted way, we both have our deepest (and usually unspoken)
psychological needs met. It sounds so backwards to cause the very thing we say
on the surface we don’t want to actually happen, but that is exactly what is going
on here.
psychological needs met. It sounds so backwards to cause the very thing we say
on the surface we don’t want to actually happen, but that is exactly what is going
on here.
It serves us. And why does it serve us? Well, just like I have shown you, these
actions/behaviors are only an indicator of what is actually beneath it all. It is the
lies of Satan that have such a deep hold on our hearts and minds. We are scared
to let go because the lie(s) is familiar. It is all we have known.
actions/behaviors are only an indicator of what is actually beneath it all. It is the
lies of Satan that have such a deep hold on our hearts and minds. We are scared
to let go because the lie(s) is familiar. It is all we have known.
If these lies weren’t true, it would completely dump us on our heads. It would
mean we are actually capable people instead of victims and we would now have
the responsibility to do something about that. It would mean we can’t control
other people so we would have to actually learn to control ourselves. It would
mean that we really do make mistakes and we would have to be vulnerable and
admit we aren’t superhuman.
mean we are actually capable people instead of victims and we would now have
the responsibility to do something about that. It would mean we can’t control
other people so we would have to actually learn to control ourselves. It would
mean that we really do make mistakes and we would have to be vulnerable and
admit we aren’t superhuman.
BUT, the good news is you know what to do about any of these things you may
uncover as you poke around here. You know about the pattern of repentance.
You know your Savior can and will help you if you but ask. So do it! Don’t let
Satan laugh in your face. You have everything you need to do this.
uncover as you poke around here. You know about the pattern of repentance.
You know your Savior can and will help you if you but ask. So do it! Don’t let
Satan laugh in your face. You have everything you need to do this.
When a situation arises, this drama triangle pops up when one person responds
to the situation in the Victim or Persecutor role. It is only set in motion if the other
person “takes the bait” and responds as the Rescuer. It can be tricky because a
Victim can quickly turn into a Persecutor and start to beat you over the head
emotionally or vice versa to really draw the other in if the first attempt doesn’t
work. A person is drawn into this way of communicating and responding because
of previous programming to the Belief Boxes (sometimes from childhood).
Remember how powerful shame is?
to the situation in the Victim or Persecutor role. It is only set in motion if the other
person “takes the bait” and responds as the Rescuer. It can be tricky because a
Victim can quickly turn into a Persecutor and start to beat you over the head
emotionally or vice versa to really draw the other in if the first attempt doesn’t
work. A person is drawn into this way of communicating and responding because
of previous programming to the Belief Boxes (sometimes from childhood).
Remember how powerful shame is?
When we catch ourselves using words like “always, never, no one, everyone,
only” (these are absolutes), it’s a good indicator that we are probably acting
from one of these roles. Although we cannot control whether our spouse is in
The Drama Triangle, we can choose to no join them there, or to get out as soon
as we realize we are participating in it.
only” (these are absolutes), it’s a good indicator that we are probably acting
from one of these roles. Although we cannot control whether our spouse is in
The Drama Triangle, we can choose to no join them there, or to get out as soon
as we realize we are participating in it.
A discussion at a calm time together really helped us. I went home that day
and taught my husband and we both learned more later too. We agreed that
if one of us spoke up along the lines of, “I am feeling tempted to jump into
The Triangle” or “I am in The Triangle,” then the other would disengage and
we would call a “timeout.” The discussion would be resumed later when we
felt better.
and taught my husband and we both learned more later too. We agreed that
if one of us spoke up along the lines of, “I am feeling tempted to jump into
The Triangle” or “I am in The Triangle,” then the other would disengage and
we would call a “timeout.” The discussion would be resumed later when we
felt better.
Usually about 20 minutes was our come-back-to-it point. Sometimes after
time away we still couldn’t finish without one or both entering The Triangle.
Sometimes after a few tries and still not getting it, we would schedule the discussion
out for 24 hours or longer as needed. My husband isn’t a big talker, so sometimes
he told me upfront, “I know I will need a week.” Which was usually fine. The
important thing with a “time out” is that you really do follow up and finish. The
“time out” isn’t a sweep it under the rug and pretend it isn’t there.
time away we still couldn’t finish without one or both entering The Triangle.
Sometimes after a few tries and still not getting it, we would schedule the discussion
out for 24 hours or longer as needed. My husband isn’t a big talker, so sometimes
he told me upfront, “I know I will need a week.” Which was usually fine. The
important thing with a “time out” is that you really do follow up and finish. The
“time out” isn’t a sweep it under the rug and pretend it isn’t there.
We don’t have to resort to these forms of communication and responding in
order to get the other person to do what we want or need them to do. We can
speak plainly about how we feel and what we need or want.
order to get the other person to do what we want or need them to do. We can
speak plainly about how we feel and what we need or want.
If you recognize yourself in this section, take heart. Just like the other things
you have taken the courage to examine, this too can be resolved. It will likely
take time as you create new neuropathways (literally the highways of the brain
cells that our paths of thought travel) and the old nueropathways are pruned away
---that is just as it sounds. When we no longer use a path of thought, it is pruned
off and removed. Isn’t that cool?!)
Next Section HERE
Previous Section HERE
you have taken the courage to examine, this too can be resolved. It will likely
take time as you create new neuropathways (literally the highways of the brain
cells that our paths of thought travel) and the old nueropathways are pruned away
---that is just as it sounds. When we no longer use a path of thought, it is pruned
off and removed. Isn’t that cool?!)
Next Section HERE
Previous Section HERE
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