Act, Not Be Acted Upon



Finally, we still have the “Belief” Level to examine more closely. You probably noticed I skirted the “Belief” Level until now.  I saved this for last on purpose. Can you see how focusing at this level gives us the power to act for ourselves?  It is by taking charge of what is in our Belief Boxes that will assign new meaning to the “Input,” so as it is filtered through our new “Belief” Level, we will have different thoughts, and therefore completely different experiences at the “Emotion” and “Action/Behavior” Levels. We don’t have to be victim to the “Input,” our “Thoughts,” “Emotions,” or our “Actions/Behaviors!”

It blew my mind when my husband and I learned this: his addiction actually had nothing to do with sex. It was not directly related to needing more, different, or better sex.  I wasn’t the problem.  As his spouse, I wasn’t somehow inadequate or deficient.  My actions couldn’t change his actions. Only focusing on white-knuckle sobriety to not act out on his addiction wasn’t enough. Nor was turning off his emotions or just avoiding things that would trigger his addiction cycle. To truly find recovery, he had to dig deeper by discovering the roots of his actions: the faulty (meaning lies) core (meaning at the center of who he was and what he believed about himself, the world, and others around him) beliefs.

He had to discover why certain “Inputs” were triggering.  What was in his Belief Box? What are the faulty core beliefs that make these “Inputs” triggering, that would then stir up certain “Emotions,” which lead to the “Actions/Behaviors” of his addiction?

Addiction is obviously more complex than that, yet this was an important discovery of where his power lies (and also mine as his spouse.  I couldn’t do his recovery for him!) Although there may be similar “Inputs” that would be triggering for others struggling with the same addiction, or similar “Beliefs,” “Thoughts,” “Emotions,” or “Actions/Behaviors,” this process requires personal discovery. The patterns may be the same or similar, but the details look different for each of us.

And as his spouse, my “normal crazy behaviors” of checking the internet history, reading his texts, or his journal, following him, calling him a million times if he didn’t answer his phone, and all the other ways I tried to “spy” on him and nearly fell to pieces as I tried to control his behavior---these actions and behaviors had roots too.

I had to discover my own faulty core beliefs. Some of these I later discovered were from my past. Some of these beliefs were introduced because of the wounds of trauma from Mark's choices. Most centered around “I must not be good enough” or “I am the reason” (and therefore “if I just do ____ or change _____ about myself, then he will choose marriage, sobriety, and recovery”).

 Although the “Input” wasn’t necessarily setting off an addiction cycle for me like it did for him, the Input was setting off a cycle of fear inside of me. As an “Input” came in, because of my past experiences and the choices my husband had made in the past, it would trigger the faulty core beliefs, as it was filtered through the “Beliefs” and assigned meaning by my “Thoughts,” then I experienced fear. If I didn’t observe myself, then I would go into the “Actions/Behaviors” intended to protect myself or my children. These may have appeared to be attempts to control my husband’s behavior. What appeared to be my desire to control my husband was simply reflective of my need to protect myself and my children.

Let me give you an example of all of this.  About two years after my husband’s last major relapse I was out taking my kids for a walk.  All of a sudden I began calling my husband’s phone over and over.  He didn’t answer, so we rushed home and I loaded up the kids in the car. We drove past his work to make sure he was still there.

On the surface it didn’t make any sense to me at first, but let me break down what actually happened.  While we were out walking, I saw trees with the first hints of Autumn. The colors were beginning to change.  Okay.  At that point that should be safe, right?  It’s simply information.  So this “Input” of trees with hints of Autumn came into my mind.

As it was filtered at the “Belief” level,  it was assigned meaning.  It was Autumn when my husband was suicidal.  It was Autumn when he was out of his mind.  It was Autumn that he had been back in full-blown relapse.  Even though I didn’t know that Mark had relapsed  yet, I knew something was terribly wrong. Just as my husband gradually shifted into deeper levels of anxiety, depression, and craziness, so had the seasons changed from Summer to Autumn.  That was the traumatic event.
Autumn was a trigger for that horrible and dark time. Autumn triggered the “Belief” that “Autumn isn’t safe.”  Additionally, this particular trigger was so charged that I was thrown back to the past.  Although my body was physically in the present where I was completely safe and simply out for a walk with my kids, my mind was reliving the past.

Then along came the thought, “I have to find my husband!  I have to make sure he is safe!”  And immediately I felt terrified and panicked. Now can you understand why I did what I did?  Me too!  It was validating to discover this trigger and the traumatic events associated with it.  Although I have had to chip away a little bit at the roots every Autumn since, it feels better every year.

Just because my husband and I learned these patterns because of addiction and betrayal trauma doesn’t mean those are the only applications of them. These patterns also apply to habits. Although you may not have experienced significantly traumatic life events, each one of us experiences some trauma.

Sometimes this has been a quick or straight-forward process for me.  Sometimes it has taken more time and effort to discover what is going on in my mind.  Sometimes I struggle to put things into words; sometimes I feel it, but cannot articulate it.  No matter how this self-discovery process happens, Christ’s grace is always adequate to sustain me through the details. I know He will be there for you, too.

He blesses me to become aware of what I am doing and how I am feeling.  He carries me to be brave so I can honestly look at what is in my Belief Boxes.  He strengthens me through the uprooting and replacement process.  And when some things aren’t immediately resolved, He buoys me up until they can be.

It reminds me of the account in 1 Nephi 17.  At the beginning of the chapter Nephi talks about how they were sustained in their journey through the wilderness.  He speaks in such a positive light, yet speaks honestly of God’s goodness.

God made it possible so they didn’t even have to cook their meat.  They could just eat it raw and this raw meat gave their wives awesome breastmilk for their babies.  Their wives became really strong too.  (See verse 2).

He doesn’t always promise to sustain us in splendor.  But He has promised that He will “nourish [us], and strengthen [us], and provide means whereby [we] can accomplish the thing which he has commanded [us]” (verse 3).

Contrast Nephi’s words with the words of Laman and Lemuel in verse 20.  They say it would have been better that their wives had died than to pass through what they experienced!  Maybe on certain dark days we feel more like Laman and Lemuel than Nephi.

It can be difficult at those times when we are really wrestling with this battle that is raging in our minds and bodies.  Regardless of our perception of what is happening, it doesn’t change that Christ is there to sustain us if we will but reach out to Him.

Sometimes it has been a process, but sometimes it has been an instant shift or multiple things have been resolved at once. Each change of my beliefs has been different and I'm guessing it will be for you too. Be open to the process and however it happens or needs to happen for you.

I have had to learn to move beyond the “Input” level (or any other level) and address the roots by digging for them at the “Belief” level.  It is only at the “Belief” level that we are able to have lasting change.  It doesn’t matter if the unwanted actions and behaviors are expressed in addictions, habits, trauma responses, anything we turned up in our fallen or natural man lists, or any other category of undesirable things we find ourselves doing or saying.  The “Belief” level is the gateway to permanent change and we will continue to go deeper here to show you how that is possible for you.

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