Like all of the other carefully calculated steps, confessing our sins isn’t
something we can skip over. There are three people we must confess to:
the person we have harmed, God, and ourselves. We will visit those we
have harmed later in this chapter. If you haven’t already taken the chance
to confess your sins to God, take that opportunity now. I will wait right here for you. :)
A thoughtful and thorough inventory should make it easy to confess to yourself.
Can you honestly see what you have done: the ways you have been prideful
and arrogant, the hurt you caused others and yourself, and the ways you have
willfully rebelled against God?
Can you honestly see what you have done: the ways you have been prideful
and arrogant, the hurt you caused others and yourself, and the ways you have
willfully rebelled against God?
The 12-step programs I have participated in all add a fourth person to discuss
our discoveries with. This is someone you carefully select to share your entire
inventory with. If anything on your inventory would prevent you from receiving a
temple recommend, then that person must be your bishop. If this is the process
we must take with our bishop, rather than avoiding it, consider Elder Callister's words.
our discoveries with. This is someone you carefully select to share your entire
inventory with. If anything on your inventory would prevent you from receiving a
temple recommend, then that person must be your bishop. If this is the process
we must take with our bishop, rather than avoiding it, consider Elder Callister's words.
“Years of service do not obviate confession; years of abstinence do not erase its
need; one-on-one pleading with the Lord is not a substitute. Somewhere,
sometime, somehow we must face the wall square up and climb it. That is confession.
When we do this, our spiritual horizons are broadened” (Callister, The Infinite
Atonement, 189-190).
need; one-on-one pleading with the Lord is not a substitute. Somewhere,
sometime, somehow we must face the wall square up and climb it. That is confession.
When we do this, our spiritual horizons are broadened” (Callister, The Infinite
Atonement, 189-190).
If there are no temple recommend issues, then select someone ideally who has
already walked through this process for themselves before. If that isn’t an option,
find someone who you trust will keep in confidence what you will share. You
want someone who will also hold you to completing this process and be a
good sounding board to make sure you aren’t minimizing, justifying, or leaving
anything out.
already walked through this process for themselves before. If that isn’t an option,
find someone who you trust will keep in confidence what you will share. You
want someone who will also hold you to completing this process and be a
good sounding board to make sure you aren’t minimizing, justifying, or leaving
anything out.
This person also needs to be sensitive to what you share. For many, the inventory
can be encapsulated in shame. You want someone who can tread gently and help
you see things objectively to avoid unnecessary harshness or overcritical self
judgement. Pray for guidance on who to ask to support you through this.
can be encapsulated in shame. You want someone who can tread gently and help
you see things objectively to avoid unnecessary harshness or overcritical self
judgement. Pray for guidance on who to ask to support you through this.
When I was a facilitator for my LDS 12-step ARP group, we were told to pass along
to the spouses that they should not be this person for the addict. If addiction isn’t
part of a person’s inventory, I think sharing with a spouse (as long as you are
both comfortable) would be a wonderful experience!
to the spouses that they should not be this person for the addict. If addiction isn’t
part of a person’s inventory, I think sharing with a spouse (as long as you are
both comfortable) would be a wonderful experience!
I would venture to say that it should be seriously considered for a couple dealing
with addiction that plans to stay married (or at this point, expects to stay married).
How can we expect to continue in a marriage if there are deep secrets? How can
we heal if we don’t even have all of the pieces to the story in the first place?
Usually the best balance when a spouse shares is enough details to satisfy a
general understanding, but not too many details to actually cause further harm.
with addiction that plans to stay married (or at this point, expects to stay married).
How can we expect to continue in a marriage if there are deep secrets? How can
we heal if we don’t even have all of the pieces to the story in the first place?
Usually the best balance when a spouse shares is enough details to satisfy a
general understanding, but not too many details to actually cause further harm.
My husband shared his inventory with me, but I wouldn’t recommend it unless it is
set up well and tightly monitored. Based on the situation at the time, it wouldn’t
have worked for us to do successfully on our own. He shared under the guidance
of multiple professionals.
set up well and tightly monitored. Based on the situation at the time, it wouldn’t
have worked for us to do successfully on our own. He shared under the guidance
of multiple professionals.
My husband, Mark, spent months preparing for it. He didn’t just share the
Actions/Behaviors,” but like I said previously, it was the entire narrative of how
the addiction has fit into his life. He shared with his counselor in private sessions
and, together, they tried to anticipate and prepare for any questions I may have
from hearing it. His counselor held him accountable and they tweaked it together
for months.
Actions/Behaviors,” but like I said previously, it was the entire narrative of how
the addiction has fit into his life. He shared with his counselor in private sessions
and, together, they tried to anticipate and prepare for any questions I may have
from hearing it. His counselor held him accountable and they tweaked it together
for months.
After they both felt good about what Mark had prepared, he shared it with the
members of his group and, again, was given feedback and recommendations
on any changes. The day Mark shared it with me, his counselor was with us
(to help hold him to it) and my counselor was there to support me and gauge
my reaction, make sure I had what I needed, and to ask any questions on my
behalf. Even then, it was a difficult experience, but has brought so much
healing and forward movement in our relationship.
members of his group and, again, was given feedback and recommendations
on any changes. The day Mark shared it with me, his counselor was with us
(to help hold him to it) and my counselor was there to support me and gauge
my reaction, make sure I had what I needed, and to ask any questions on my
behalf. Even then, it was a difficult experience, but has brought so much
healing and forward movement in our relationship.
7 years after hearing it, I am so glad I went through with it! It was a million
times better than the disclosure during our engagement or the second disclosure
7 years into our marriage. Although he told me much more the third time, I finally
had all of the information. It took me some time to process through it, but I finally
had all of the pieces. And now I could begin to adjust to this new normal.
times better than the disclosure during our engagement or the second disclosure
7 years into our marriage. Although he told me much more the third time, I finally
had all of the information. It took me some time to process through it, but I finally
had all of the pieces. And now I could begin to adjust to this new normal.
There can be a few problems with having a close loved one (especially as spouse)
be this person for an addict’s confession. It can put undue pressure on the loved-one,
especially when they are already needing to work through their own healing
simultaneously. I would anticipate this more with an unhealthy disclosure than
the professionally guided therapeutic disclosure I just described.
be this person for an addict’s confession. It can put undue pressure on the loved-one,
especially when they are already needing to work through their own healing
simultaneously. I would anticipate this more with an unhealthy disclosure than
the professionally guided therapeutic disclosure I just described.
Second, too many details may make daily living difficult. I personally wouldn’t say
I fell into that. I actually do better when I know more. When I only know part or a
little bit, my mind races to try to fill in the holes. On the other end, the inventory
may not be carefully vetted enough to share with someone so close to the addict.
It may set off triggers of her/his own that would prevent her/him from staying
neutral and the focus being on the one sharing the inventory. Take each of these
potential problems in the same light. I’m not trying to make blanket statements,
so prayerfully consider for yourself if you are dealing with pornography,
sex addiction, or a similar situation.
I fell into that. I actually do better when I know more. When I only know part or a
little bit, my mind races to try to fill in the holes. On the other end, the inventory
may not be carefully vetted enough to share with someone so close to the addict.
It may set off triggers of her/his own that would prevent her/him from staying
neutral and the focus being on the one sharing the inventory. Take each of these
potential problems in the same light. I’m not trying to make blanket statements,
so prayerfully consider for yourself if you are dealing with pornography,
sex addiction, or a similar situation.
Finally, I will do my best to say it as gently, yet directly as I can. For those deep in
addiction, the Belief Boxes can be a complete a mess. Things, such as what Truth
really is, can be very skewed when someone is first beginning the recovery process.
The addiction has actually caused physical changes to the brain. Because of those
changes this inventory may not be as complete as a spouse would want or expect it
to be. S/he may just know there is more, and they are probably right.
addiction, the Belief Boxes can be a complete a mess. Things, such as what Truth
really is, can be very skewed when someone is first beginning the recovery process.
The addiction has actually caused physical changes to the brain. Because of those
changes this inventory may not be as complete as a spouse would want or expect it
to be. S/he may just know there is more, and they are probably right.
This can be painful as more information comes out later and the spouse feels like they
were lied to. They may very well have been flat out lied to as the addict only shared
what they wanted the spouse to know. This is usually the case when the inventory is
shared because of the pressure of a "forced disclosure." Forced disclosures happen
when an addict comes forward or shares information because they were caught or
the spouse has enough incriminating evidence or other outside circumstances
(such as legal implications), etc. The best disclosures are those offered willingly.
That is one reason why it is so important to take our time with this whether we are an
addict preparing to share with our spouse or any person working through this step of
confession.
were lied to. They may very well have been flat out lied to as the addict only shared
what they wanted the spouse to know. This is usually the case when the inventory is
shared because of the pressure of a "forced disclosure." Forced disclosures happen
when an addict comes forward or shares information because they were caught or
the spouse has enough incriminating evidence or other outside circumstances
(such as legal implications), etc. The best disclosures are those offered willingly.
That is one reason why it is so important to take our time with this whether we are an
addict preparing to share with our spouse or any person working through this step of
confession.
It may not hurt any less, but sometimes I found out that although I was technically lied
to, my husband honestly didn’t intend to lie to me. Because of more sobriety under his
belt, he perceived his original experiences differently over time. He was able to go back
and, just like me or you, move things around into different piles. Both parties can be
aware of and sensitive to this delicate process.
to, my husband honestly didn’t intend to lie to me. Because of more sobriety under his
belt, he perceived his original experiences differently over time. He was able to go back
and, just like me or you, move things around into different piles. Both parties can be
aware of and sensitive to this delicate process.
To have a front-row seat to a spouse’s initial inventory when it includes addiction may
be too difficult to commit to. Am I glad I sat through all 20+ pages typed of my
husband’s inventory? Absolutely! Not all spouses who have this experience are glad
about it, but I am (Footnote note? and the vast majority of couples are, too. 96% of couples
reported that they did the right thing in going through a formal disclosure in Dr.
Kevin Skinner’s book, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal). Consider this carefully before
agreeing to it if your spouse approaches you with this opportunity; however, maybe you can
be the one to initiate a more formal confession. Seriously consider setting up an
inventory with professionals or maybe even a bishop there to support you through it.
be too difficult to commit to. Am I glad I sat through all 20+ pages typed of my
husband’s inventory? Absolutely! Not all spouses who have this experience are glad
about it, but I am (Footnote note? and the vast majority of couples are, too. 96% of couples
reported that they did the right thing in going through a formal disclosure in Dr.
Kevin Skinner’s book, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal). Consider this carefully before
agreeing to it if your spouse approaches you with this opportunity; however, maybe you can
be the one to initiate a more formal confession. Seriously consider setting up an
inventory with professionals or maybe even a bishop there to support you through it.
Again, if you don't have anything on the inventory that would prevent you from holding
a temple recommend, simply proceed as you are ready with a trusted confidant.
a temple recommend, simply proceed as you are ready with a trusted confidant.
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