Forgiveness


All of the sections in this chapter are not intended to completely cover 
the topics.  So it is with forgiveness. There is much to learn and to be 
experienced as we seek to be forgiven and also to forgive.  I only want 
to briefly mention a few things, again, recognizing I am purposely leaving
other things left unwritten.

First, let’s talk about extending forgiveness. I want to be sensitive to those
 who may have difficult experiences from the past.  Sometimes others’ 
choices can cut deeper than we previously imagined possible. Forgiving
 others can be hard when we feel like forgiveness will make us lose control
 of the situation, we will be hurt again, or that it will send the message that
 what happened to us was somehow okay. Because of deep trauma, 
forgiveness can sometimes be confusing. 

Let’s take a non-traditional approach to uncover more clearly what forgiveness
 is by listing some things that forgiveness is not. For those seeking desperately
 to forgive after traumatic events, It can be common for those around us to say,
"You just need to forgive."  

We might recognize some of the following things that are extremely normal for
 someone who has been through a traumatic event.  I hope because of our 
previous discussions on traumatic events, triggers, and input, and how those
 shape our beliefs, emotions, and actions/behaviors, you may be able to see
 through some of these ways Satan seeks to prevent us from taking this vital
 step forward.

Forgiveness is different from…
Healing. Forgiveness is only the first step in that direction. Sometimes a person is
 able to forgive quickly, but the healing is a longer process.  Just because a person
 is still healing doesn’t mean they haven’t forgiven yet. The forgiveness process and
 the healing process are interrelated, but not the same thing. Forgiveness makes 
healing possible.

Forgiveness is different from...
Trust.  We can forgive someone, yet still not trust them.  Trust is earned.  Trust is  
rebuilt.  Trust requires two people, whereas forgiveness only needs one willing heart.
Sometimes it isn’t possible for trust to ever completely regrow, but we can 
still forgive separately from trusting someone. We don’t forgive based on a person 
being trustworthy; we don’t have to wait to forgive someone until we can trust them 
again (or ever).

Forgiveness is different from...
Feeling Safe.  This kind of piggy-backs on trust.  Even if an offender is now 
trustworthy and has been consistently doing those things that will rebuild trust, 
the victim may still have moments where s/he doesn’t feel safe.  Creating safety
after such experiences requires two people, both committed to a strong relationship.
It takes two people willing to communicate honestly and openly, whereas (again),
forgiveness only needs one willing heart. An offender may 
very well be safe; however, if the victim, for whatever reason, doesn’t feel safe or 
has the perception that s/he isn’t safe, it can be a big trigger.  After our extensive 
discussions together, I hope you get how this could set off some big emotions and 
even crazy actions/behaviors if not detected.  Needing a spouse or (offender in 
other relationships) to build safety or needing to build it for ourselves is different 
from forgiveness. When we realize that safety is being brought to our awareness,
it doesn’t mean the forgiveness has somehow been left undone.  It just means that
attention is needed to rebuild and move forward. This would be a good time to get 
out our Sherlock Holmes hat and look for clues to triggers (and the underlying beliefs). 
What was the input that triggered me to not feel safe? What was the event from 
the past?  What belief(s) was being triggered? Then walk through the process 
for releasing what you find.


Forgiveness is different from...
Letting someone walk all over you.  Just because we forgive someone doesn’t 
mean we do not have limits or boundaries in what we can or are willing to do or give. 
It’s okay to say no.  It’s okay to do what we feels right even if it isn’t want another 
person wants from us. It’s okay to be protective of ourselves or our other loved ones 
who have been hurt. It’s okay to not give in ways that would enable addictive or 
harmful actions/behaviors.  We can say no even if the other person is angry with 
us or says we are “being mean.” Forgiveness does not equate to doormat. We 
don’t have to set ourselves up or allow ourselves to be set up to continue to be 
used or hurt.


Forgiveness is different from...
Pretending it didn't happen. This is a bit tricky, because in one sense, we do 
need to forget it in that we aren’t constantly bringing it up in ways that are hurtful 
or harmful to our relationship with the other person.  Can you see, though, that telling 
someone or ourselves to, “Just forget about it,” isn’t the same thing as forgiveness? 
When we simply skim over it and don’t look at it, we aren’t addressing what is 
underneath.  We aren’t taking the time to fully forgive.  I heard it described beautifully 
once.  A wife of a sex addict likened forgiving her husband to a physical scar on her 
arm. She will never forget the event that caused her that injury.  She remembers well 
that it hurt when it happened as well as while it was healing. She will bear the scar of 
it for the rest of her life, but what forgiveness has done for her is that she doesn’t 
remember the details any more.  The memories no longer bother her or are needed to 
be kept clear in her mind. Although she remembers the pain, she doesn’t feel that pain  
any more. That type of forgetting is different than pretending it didn’t happen in the first 
place.  I believe this is what happens when we are able to integrate our past traumas 
into the story of our life.  We accept it, but that doesn’t mean we can change that it. 
Our forgiveness and acceptance can’t change that it happened, but it can change 
how we feel about it or what we think about it.  We can come to terms with it, find 
peace about it, and successfully integrate it into our new narrative. When others 
around us become aware of our struggles, not everyone can acknowledge it.  
Sometimes people we love pretend it didn’t happen because it’s too painful or 
uncomfortable for them. Although their ignoring can cause hurt and frustration, 
we need to know that not everybody is able to sit in it with us, especially when what 
we share is encapsulated in shame (either our own or their own shame). Just because 
others don’t acknowledge what happened doesn’t mean we should or have to pretend 
it didn’t happen, too.  We can dig as deeply as we need to without fear of it meaning 
that we haven’t forgiven, yet without accepting the message that what happened really 
wasn’t a big deal or it was somehow okay.

Forgiveness is different from…
Time passing.  We have heard the phrase, “Time heals all wounds.” Time often does 
soften hurts and gives us hindsight and insight into the event, but it isn’t the same as 
forgiveness. Just because a certain number of days or years have passed on the calendar 
doesn’t mean we have automatically forgiven. Forgiveness isn’t something that happens 
on its own.  It is something we choose to do. If left to itself, these hurts tend to fester and 
build rather than burn themselves out.

So what is forgiveness then?

Forgiveness can be…
Extended before it is requested.  I don’t have to wait for the person to ask me to forgive 
them, acknowledge how they hurt me, or be remotely remorseful for what they did to me.  
We can forgive freely whenever we are ready.

Forgiveness can be …
A process. Sometimes it comes quickly, other times it requires our efforts over time.  

Forgiveness is…
God’s plan to free us.  Through forgiveness we free ourselves from unnecessary pain 
and turmoil. “...as human beings we live in a fallen world, sometimes full of darkness and 
confusion. It comes as no surprise that mistakes will be made, injustices will occur, and 
sins will be committed. As a result, there is not a soul alive who will not, at one time or 
another, be the victim to someone else’s careless actions, hurtful conduct, or even 
sinful behavior. That is one thing we all have in common. Gratefully, God, in His love 
and mercy for His children, has prepared a way to help us navigate these sometimes 
turbulent experiences of life. He has provided an escape for all who fall victim to the 
misdeeds of others. He has taught us that we can forgive! Even though we may be a victim 
once, we need not be a victim twice by carrying the burden of hate, bitterness, pain, 
resentment, or even revenge. We can forgive, and we can be free...an unforgiving heart 
harbors so much needless pain. When we apply the healing ointment of the Savior’s 
Atonement, He will soften our heart and help us to change. He can heal the wounded 
soul (see Jacob 2:8)” (Source, emphasis added).

Forgiveness is…
Placing justice in God’s hands.  “I am convinced that most of us want to forgive, but 
we find it very hard to do. When we have experienced an injustice, we may be quick to 
say, ‘That person did wrong. They deserve punishment. Where is the justice?’ We 
mistakenly think that if we forgive, somehow justice will not be served and punishments 
will be avoided. This simply is not the case. God will mete out a punishment that is fair, 
for mercy cannot rob justice (see Alma 42:25). God lovingly assures you and me: ‘Leave 
judgment alone with me, for it is mine and I will repay. [But let] peace be with you 
(D&C 82:23). The Book of Mormon prophet Jacob also promised that God ‘will console 
you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those 
who seek your destruction’ (Jacob 3:1). As victims, if we are faithful, we can take great 
comfort in knowing that God will compensate us for every injustice we experience. 
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin stated: ‘The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. … 
Every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and 
gratitude’” (Source).

Forgiveness is…
Seeing others as God sees them.  “One key to forgiving others is to try to see them 
as God sees them. At times, God may part the curtain and bless us with the gift to 
see into the heart, soul, and spirit of another person who has offended us. This 
insight may even lead to an overwhelming love for that person...Too often we look 
at the offender the way we would look at an iceberg—we see only the tip and not 
beneath the surface. We do not know all that is going on in a person’s life. We do 
not know their past; we do not know their struggles; we do not know the pains they 
carry. Brothers and sisters, please do not misunderstand. To forgive is not to condone. 
We do not rationalize bad behavior or allow others to mistreat us because of their 
struggles, pains, or weaknesses. But we can gain greater understanding and peace 
when we see with a broader perspective. Certainly those who are less spiritually mature 
may indeed make serious mistakes—yet none of us should be defined only by the worst 
thing we have ever done. God is the perfect judge. He sees beneath the surface. He 
knows all and sees all (see 2 Nephi 2:24). He has said, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom 
I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (D&C 64:10)” (Same talk as 
above, emphasis added).

Forgiveness is a step God wants us to take because it frees us so we can find 
healing and peace.  Even though we can forgive and still need to heal, we 
cannot properly heal without forgiveness. Forgiveness and healing may be 
so blurred at times that we need to go back and forth between the two (forgive 
then heal and that healing uncovers the needs to forgive more fully, etc.). How 
can we expect to minister to others when so much of our heart and mind is still 
caught up in an unresolved past. How can we expect for their to be room to 
clearly hear God's voice when it's already crammed with resentments, chips 
on our shoulders, tactics to get revenge, or even annoyances of others? We 
must pass through this aspect of our journey as well.

Forgiveness can’t undo what has happened, nor is that the reason we forgive.  
What forgiveness can do is create a change in the way we see the event. We 
are able to place even more of our heart into God’s loving hands.  Even when 
we don’t understand all of those events or how the details will work out, we can 
choose to give it to the One who does. The good news is that just like all of the 
other steps of our journey, God isn’t asking you to do this alone or in your own 
strength!  Take your Savior with you into these messy details!

Corrie ten Boom was a survivor of the horrific events of the Holocaust.  After the 
war ended, she would travel and share her experiences and a message of hope 
through Christ.  After one such presentation, she initially panicked as one of the 
Nazi guards who had held her and her sister captive came forward with his arm 
extended.  He had since become converted to Christianity and was expressing 
his joy at being able to find forgiveness for the awful things he had done.

She said it was one of those moments that feels like it lasted forever as her arm 
lay frozen and paralyzed at her side.  Despite every effort she could muster, she 
wasn’t able to lift her hand. Finally she uttered a silent prayer. As God answered 
her prayer, she was able to receive his handshake.  She said that in that moment 
she felt instant love for this stranger. Corrie then says these profound words, “And 
so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that 
the world’s healing hinges, but on [Christ’s]. When He tells us to love our enemies, 
 He gives, along with the command, the love itself(Source).

Forgiving others may be easy; it may be challenging.  Either way it is something 
that must be done. God hasn’t said, “Forgive everyone except ____.”  On the 
contrary, He has warned that “...if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly 
Father will also forgive you: but if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will 
your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14–15). 

Remember God isn’t asking us to do this in our own strength, so include Him in 
the details of this.  Ask Him to soften your heart if necessary. He will answer 
you---just like He did Corrie ten Boom---if we but turn to Him.

Let’s talk briefly about the other end of forgiveness. Maybe seeking forgiveness 
feels scary because of what is written in your inventory.  Maybe you don’t feel like 
there is any way God could possibly forgive you because of what you have done. 
Add that hopeless thought to having to ask for the forgiveness of those whom you 
have harmed, and it’s no wonder you may feel inadequate!

This other end of forgiveness usually takes time as well.  Just like the others legs 
of our journey, we will give details to set you up for success. It isn’t something to 
be rushed into. But first, let me extend a few words of hope.

“I bear witness that Jesus is the Christ and the Son of the living God...The 
Atonement, which can reclaim each one of us, bears no scars. That means 
that no matter what we have done or where we have been or how something 
happened, if we truly repent, He has promised that He would atone. And when 
He atoned, that settled that. There are so many of us who are thrashing around, 
as it were, with feelings of guilt, not knowing quite how to escape. You escape 
by accepting the Atonement of Christ, and all that was heartache can turn to 
beauty and love and eternity...the Atonement which can wash clean every stain 
no matter how difficult or how long or how many times repeated. The Atonement 
can put you free again to move forward, cleanly and worthily, to pursue that path 
that you have chosen in life.

“I bear witness that God lives, that Jesus is the Christ, that the Atonement is not 
a general thing that is for the whole Church. The Atonement is individual, and if 
you have something that is bothering you—sometimes so long ago you can 
hardly remember it—put the Atonement to work. It will clean it up, and you, as does He, will remember 
your sins no more” (Source, emphasis added).

“Without the Redeemer, the inherent hope and joy evaporate, and repentance 
becomes simply miserable behavior modification. But by exercising faith in Him, 
we become converted to His ability and willingness to forgive sin” (Renlund, Source).

Just like all other aspects of God’s plan, He has this one figured out too---
not just collectively for His children, but He also has a personally tailored 
plan for you and your life.  All of the other steps have lead up to this for 
you to take this next one now. Rely on God and His promises. Rely on 
your Savior and His strength and the growing hope you have of His mission 
and Atonement for your personal life.

Take your Inventory in your hands one last time.  In your notebook, make 
two columns or use two separate pages. One will be a list of those from 
whom you need to seek forgiveness. Doing this one first can be helpful.  

We may find ourselves much more willing to forgive after recently being at 
the mercy of those we have harmed! The other one will be a list of those 
you need to extend forgiveness to. You may find it helpful to use a similar 
approach to generate these lists as what worked well for the Inventory.  
You can just write and come back to organize it later, do it chronologically, 
or start with the person then walk it back to the details.  If right now is a good 
time, then get this list done or at least started. If not, don’t forget to come back. 
You cannot skip this!

Work on these lists like you did the Inventory either as it comes to your mind 
or with set-aside time.  Once you feel like your list is complete, pray about it. 
Just like with the Inventory, it doesn’t have to be perfect in order to move forward.  
Do your best to have it as complete as possible, but don’t let perfection or fear keep 
you at a standstill. Don’t forget to add God to your list and also yourself.  We need 
to seek forgiveness from both God and ourselves for the hurt and harm our 
actions/behaviors have caused. Maybe you are like me and discovered you 
needed to also forgive God and have a reframing of the painful events of your 
past where you thought He had let you down.

“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as 
God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). As we pray to God 
seeking forgiveness for our sins, mistakes, and failings, Christ can fill us with 
the love, strength, and ability to extend that same forgiveness to the others on our list.

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