This triangle will bring us much more peace than the first one I showed you. When we
are in The Drama triangle, it is as if there are arrows pointing only at each other as husband
and wife. That would be a dependent triangle: my happiness, peace, security, needs being
met (or whatever else you may fill this in as) are dependent on my spouse. (ie-”I have to
depend on my spouse so I can be happy or feel secure," etc.)
Remember how we talked about The Drama Triangle satisfying our deeper needs?
This is how we seek to do this. A big problem with this approach is that our spouse
will actually let us down. They will make mistakes or be unable to meet our needs
in the way we are seeking. When I was depending on my husband like this and he
would rise in anxiety, I would go up too. He would crash into depression, and so I would
crash after him. It doesn’t have to be a constant up and down, but it will continue to be
like that as long as we are depending on our spouse in order to have our needs met.
Even if he is trying to create safety and understands trauma, he will still blow it and
drop you, especially as he is trying to practice and figure this out (and the same
goes for both spouses).
Notice in this triangle that the arrows point towards Christ instead. I hope after all we
have considered together, this will come easier for you than it did for me. We don’t become
a better spouse by giving ourselves over to our husband our wife. I know that totally
squashes the romanticized versions of marriage we see in the movies, but that isn’t
actually how it works at all. We become a better spouse as we give our whole hearts
to God, through Christ. He then, through His grace, changes that heart and hands it
back to us. Then we are a better spouse. Then as we seek to minister to our spouse,
we will be able to offer those things that will truly point them to their Savior.
His grace strengthens us and fills us with kindness and charity and any other necessary
divine attribute dispensed through the gifts of the Spirit. Although it can be challenging to
live with someone up close and personal as being married requires, He can help us overlook
the small things---and with additional help from professionals---the big things may sometimes
be overcome too.
In this triangle I am turning to God through Christ who will not let me down and can fill
me in a different way than any other person or other source. I truly can have my needs
met regardless of what my spouse is or isn’t doing or is or isn’t saying. As we both seek
to be filled by Christ and continually point the other spouse to Him as well, it becomes a
beautiful and refreshing upward leap.
It’s not an accident that Celestial marriage is a requirement in order to achieve the
highest degree of exaltation. Just because a person has entered into these covenants
isn’t an automatic guarantee (remember the Holy Spirit of Promise? We must also
keep those covenants).
This triangle is called interdependence, because, by nature, we do have to rely on
each other in order to climb our own sides of the triangle. We have to rely on each
other in a different way than in a dependence triangle, though. I spent years so
busy worrying about my husband’s side, I was literally over there on his side bossing
him around about what he needed to be doing.
Can you see the trauma response in this action/behavior? Because he has
made poor choices that hurt me and our children, I wanted to protect us. I wanted
him to make good choices, so I determined what I thought were the best ways to
guarantee that. :)
There were big problems with me being over on his side of the triangle:
1. I can’t do a stinking thing on his side of the triangle! Remember the roots
of a person’s “Actions/Behaviors” lies in their own Belief Boxes. These were
his Belief Boxes, not mine. I had no control over what was going on inside there.
At best, I can influence what is in there by offering good seeds of Truth or being
a sounding board when he is trying to walk something back to the roots, but
never control. This can very well take the form of ministering as I prayerfully go
to God for answers on how to influence Him and point him to his Savior both
during moments of need and also proactively.
of a person’s “Actions/Behaviors” lies in their own Belief Boxes. These were
his Belief Boxes, not mine. I had no control over what was going on inside there.
At best, I can influence what is in there by offering good seeds of Truth or being
a sounding board when he is trying to walk something back to the roots, but
never control. This can very well take the form of ministering as I prayerfully go
to God for answers on how to influence Him and point him to his Savior both
during moments of need and also proactively.
2. As I was over on his side, guess what was going on over on my side?
Nothing. I was so busy freaking out about his stuff that mine was being
left undone.
Nothing. I was so busy freaking out about his stuff that mine was being
left undone.
So let me establish a little bit what I mean by sides of the triangle. What is in
my stewardship? My side includes how I feel. This means I am responsible to
speak up, for example, and say “I feel hurt, afraid, angry” or “I feel something,
but I’m not sure yet what it is.”
my stewardship? My side includes how I feel. This means I am responsible to
speak up, for example, and say “I feel hurt, afraid, angry” or “I feel something,
but I’m not sure yet what it is.”
Being responsible for how I feel means I do not expect my spouse to read
my secret, confusing cues and body language. The way I react or respond to
others is in my side. Again, when I am in trauma, I may need more tender and
understanding help to be responsible for myself. My side also includes what I need,
my “Actions/Behaviors,” as well as my relationship with God. That’s it.
my secret, confusing cues and body language. The way I react or respond to
others is in my side. Again, when I am in trauma, I may need more tender and
understanding help to be responsible for myself. My side also includes what I need,
my “Actions/Behaviors,” as well as my relationship with God. That’s it.
Notice it doesn’t include other people’s use of agency: what they do/do
not do, say, how they feel or whether they acknowledge how they feel, their
reactions, or their own relationship with God.
not do, say, how they feel or whether they acknowledge how they feel, their
reactions, or their own relationship with God.
Note that means that I am not responsible to drag anyone to God. I don’t have
to hound my husband to read his scriptures or pray. When I do those things,
I actually lead others to me instead of the One Source who could help them.
I am not my husband’s God or anyone else’s God.
to hound my husband to read his scriptures or pray. When I do those things,
I actually lead others to me instead of the One Source who could help them.
I am not my husband’s God or anyone else’s God.
What may be appropriate, however, would be to say something like this,
“I feel afraid when you aren’t doing your recovery work or those things that
maintain your recovery” (or whatever you would express here) Then give
him a chance to create safety for you.
“I feel afraid when you aren’t doing your recovery work or those things that
maintain your recovery” (or whatever you would express here) Then give
him a chance to create safety for you.
Can you see how we can get these two triangles all mixed up? When we try
to fix our spouse (or anybody else), we are placing ourselves at the apex as
The Rescuer, trying to stand in place of Christ, and ultimately God. Ouch!
Again, no shame! Take care of whatever you need to as we continue to proceed.
Can you see, though, that being aware of the ways I may be seeking to point
my spouse to me instead of Christ is important as we seek to truly minister to
him or her? That may be one of the greatest ways we minister to our spouse
in this life---by getting out of the way and allowing Christ to work in their life!
to fix our spouse (or anybody else), we are placing ourselves at the apex as
The Rescuer, trying to stand in place of Christ, and ultimately God. Ouch!
Again, no shame! Take care of whatever you need to as we continue to proceed.
Can you see, though, that being aware of the ways I may be seeking to point
my spouse to me instead of Christ is important as we seek to truly minister to
him or her? That may be one of the greatest ways we minister to our spouse
in this life---by getting out of the way and allowing Christ to work in their life!
A strong marriage is made up of two strong individuals who are made strong
through Christ. And like most things we have examined together, it is yet another
one of those processes. A big difference between a covenant marriage (forever)
and a contractual (‘til death do you part), is that we don’t bail out on a covenant
marriage just because it’s difficult. Remember I am talking about normal, healthy
marriages here! Each spouse facing difficult circumstances needs to counsel with
God on their own individual situation as to whether it is time to stay, leave, or be
neutral for now.
through Christ. And like most things we have examined together, it is yet another
one of those processes. A big difference between a covenant marriage (forever)
and a contractual (‘til death do you part), is that we don’t bail out on a covenant
marriage just because it’s difficult. Remember I am talking about normal, healthy
marriages here! Each spouse facing difficult circumstances needs to counsel with
God on their own individual situation as to whether it is time to stay, leave, or be
neutral for now.
We were not perfect on the day we entered into these covenants. I was taught
something that completely reframed my understanding about a covenant marriage.
When a couple goes to the temple to be sealed, the wife covenants with God.
The husband covenants with God. By nature, both husband and wife expects
the other to uphold their covenants. Regardless, the covenant is with God, not the spouse.
That means that my covenant with God isn’t automatically negated by a spouse
who isn’t upholding his covenant to God. Understanding that my covenant is with
God and not my spouse completely changed it for me! God knows that neither one
of us was perfect on our wedding day. But what He needed from us on that
special day is a commitment to the process.
something that completely reframed my understanding about a covenant marriage.
When a couple goes to the temple to be sealed, the wife covenants with God.
The husband covenants with God. By nature, both husband and wife expects
the other to uphold their covenants. Regardless, the covenant is with God, not the spouse.
That means that my covenant with God isn’t automatically negated by a spouse
who isn’t upholding his covenant to God. Understanding that my covenant is with
God and not my spouse completely changed it for me! God knows that neither one
of us was perfect on our wedding day. But what He needed from us on that
special day is a commitment to the process.
“Temple marriage covenants do not magically bring equality to a partnership.
Those covenants commit us to a developmental process of learning and
growing together---by practice...equal partnerships are not made in heaven—
they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one
threshold crossing at a time. And getting there is hard work—like patiently
working through differing assumptions” (Source).
Those covenants commit us to a developmental process of learning and
growing together---by practice...equal partnerships are not made in heaven—
they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one
threshold crossing at a time. And getting there is hard work—like patiently
working through differing assumptions” (Source).
I acknowledge you may have pain like many of my dear friends whose
marriages could not stay intact. As one party was committed to the developmental,
recovery, and/or healing processes and the other was not, it required going separate
ways to prevent further damage and hurt. Dragging the other spouse along or
riding on the other’s coattails isn’t eternal marriage! But neither is giving up without
the reassurance that you have done all you can. God knows whether we are in a
dead-end marriage or not. Ask Him how long to give to such a developmental process
in your specific situation.
marriages could not stay intact. As one party was committed to the developmental,
recovery, and/or healing processes and the other was not, it required going separate
ways to prevent further damage and hurt. Dragging the other spouse along or
riding on the other’s coattails isn’t eternal marriage! But neither is giving up without
the reassurance that you have done all you can. God knows whether we are in a
dead-end marriage or not. Ask Him how long to give to such a developmental process
in your specific situation.
As I climb my side of the triangle and draw closer to my Savior and my husband
does so as well, notice how much smaller and intimate that triangle becomes.
A dear friend pointed out the following addition. As we climb our side, although
we cannot hop sides and try to "fix" our spouse in The Rescuer role, we can wait---
firmly anchored in Christ---and act as a guide rope used in rock climbing.
As I hold firm in the height I have achieved, I am able to spot, or support,
my spouse as he reaches to catch up with me and vice versa.
does so as well, notice how much smaller and intimate that triangle becomes.
A dear friend pointed out the following addition. As we climb our side, although
we cannot hop sides and try to "fix" our spouse in The Rescuer role, we can wait---
firmly anchored in Christ---and act as a guide rope used in rock climbing.
As I hold firm in the height I have achieved, I am able to spot, or support,
my spouse as he reaches to catch up with me and vice versa.
In the past few years of really working hard on this, often Mark will pass me,
then stops to catch his breath. It isn’t usually long before I am sprinting
past him, then vice versa. Remember that never ending expanse of curtain
after curtain? Now you have a loving friend to share this with as, together,
you climb higher and higher. It is an exhilarating experience! As we do this
for each other in our interdependent triangle, it is simply a call to higher
ground---or continually pointing the other spouse to Christ through covenants
and ordinance. Like everything we have explored in our time together, this will
take practice and it won’t be something we can expect to perfect in this life;
however, we can cheer and encourage each other along rather than criticizing,
humiliating, or complaining about slow progress.
Next Section HERE
Previous Section HERE
then stops to catch his breath. It isn’t usually long before I am sprinting
past him, then vice versa. Remember that never ending expanse of curtain
after curtain? Now you have a loving friend to share this with as, together,
you climb higher and higher. It is an exhilarating experience! As we do this
for each other in our interdependent triangle, it is simply a call to higher
ground---or continually pointing the other spouse to Christ through covenants
and ordinance. Like everything we have explored in our time together, this will
take practice and it won’t be something we can expect to perfect in this life;
however, we can cheer and encourage each other along rather than criticizing,
humiliating, or complaining about slow progress.
Next Section HERE
Previous Section HERE
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