I believe every child deserves to be parented in God-like ways. This type
of response is especially critical for our child to be able to release and resolve
his own past as he makes those discoveries both now and in his future. How
can we apply God’s primary goal in parenting to our own parenting moments
by not just curbing a child’s “Action/behaviors,” but actually teaching him by
encouraging him to be better through Christ?
of response is especially critical for our child to be able to release and resolve
his own past as he makes those discoveries both now and in his future. How
can we apply God’s primary goal in parenting to our own parenting moments
by not just curbing a child’s “Action/behaviors,” but actually teaching him by
encouraging him to be better through Christ?
Just like God doesn’t focus His primary efforts on what we are doing, saying,
or the ways we are behaving, we too can take a deeper approach than pushing
for mere “compliance” of outward results from our child. We want not only the
proper “Actions/Behaviors” from our child, but we also ultimately want them
for the right reasons. Our support in helping our child to connect for himself
not only what is happening, but also what he can do about it with Christ will
address both of these.
or the ways we are behaving, we too can take a deeper approach than pushing
for mere “compliance” of outward results from our child. We want not only the
proper “Actions/Behaviors” from our child, but we also ultimately want them
for the right reasons. Our support in helping our child to connect for himself
not only what is happening, but also what he can do about it with Christ will
address both of these.
Remember the map of consciousness in the mind chapter? I hope you will
never forget! Just like with ourselves, our power to influence changes in others
also lies at the “Belief” level. Although we can help our child to become aware
of and observe his “Actions/Behaviors,” and “Emotions” (and how to regulate them),
and even “Thought(s), that is only the surface level for teaching our children.
Why did he even do that anyway? When we react hastily we never get the
chance to understand the message those outward manifestations were trying to
send and the wonderful hint they can give us as to what specific forms ministering
needs to take in this particular moment.
never forget! Just like with ourselves, our power to influence changes in others
also lies at the “Belief” level. Although we can help our child to become aware
of and observe his “Actions/Behaviors,” and “Emotions” (and how to regulate them),
and even “Thought(s), that is only the surface level for teaching our children.
Why did he even do that anyway? When we react hastily we never get the
chance to understand the message those outward manifestations were trying to
send and the wonderful hint they can give us as to what specific forms ministering
needs to take in this particular moment.
Don’t get me wrong. We can teach children at the outward level, but often what
we are really doing is planting deeply-rooted shameful beliefs. When a child
doesn’t understand why his behavior is unacceptable or inappropriate, the only
difference we will see is that he will likely bury it deeper or simply wait until he
is sure we aren’t watching. At first glance, our child appears to be perfectly well
behaved. Shame worked because it motivates people by fear.
we are really doing is planting deeply-rooted shameful beliefs. When a child
doesn’t understand why his behavior is unacceptable or inappropriate, the only
difference we will see is that he will likely bury it deeper or simply wait until he
is sure we aren’t watching. At first glance, our child appears to be perfectly well
behaved. Shame worked because it motivates people by fear.
Even adults respond to shame this way. We don’t want our child to hide things
from us if we can help it because it means they will be facing the rigors of mortality
without our influence, wisdom, and guidance. Just like Mark and I had to learn to
be safe places for each other to share, we also need to learn to be a safe place for
our child. As they share the moments of confusion, fear, or intense emotions and
are met with love, validation, and empathy, we can be more aware of what is going
on, at the root level, in our child’s mind.
from us if we can help it because it means they will be facing the rigors of mortality
without our influence, wisdom, and guidance. Just like Mark and I had to learn to
be safe places for each other to share, we also need to learn to be a safe place for
our child. As they share the moments of confusion, fear, or intense emotions and
are met with love, validation, and empathy, we can be more aware of what is going
on, at the root level, in our child’s mind.
We have the power as parents to not only teach awareness and mindfulness, but
also to teach our children to problem-solve and literally encourage the brain
development to increase and stretch in moments of intensity (find a citation for
this from Dan’s book). These changes can only happen at the “Belief” level.
How can we expect to have access to their Belief Boxes in the moment they are
still upset or the child is unwilling to open up to us because we shame them
because they feel judged in what they share with us or we don’t validate what
they are experiencing. For example, “You aren’t hungry, you just ate” or “That
isn’t a big deal. Why are you crying?” How would you feel if someone said those
things to you? You needed someone who could look past the “Actions/Behaviors”
or “Emotions” to understand what you were really saying. Our kids needs the
same thing, especially when it comes to eternally impacting our children’s lives
by pointing them to their Savior with precision.
also to teach our children to problem-solve and literally encourage the brain
development to increase and stretch in moments of intensity (find a citation for
this from Dan’s book). These changes can only happen at the “Belief” level.
How can we expect to have access to their Belief Boxes in the moment they are
still upset or the child is unwilling to open up to us because we shame them
because they feel judged in what they share with us or we don’t validate what
they are experiencing. For example, “You aren’t hungry, you just ate” or “That
isn’t a big deal. Why are you crying?” How would you feel if someone said those
things to you? You needed someone who could look past the “Actions/Behaviors”
or “Emotions” to understand what you were really saying. Our kids needs the
same thing, especially when it comes to eternally impacting our children’s lives
by pointing them to their Savior with precision.
As we seek to align ourselves with God’s nature and parenting methods, let
me summarize a few “technical” helps as parents that will give us the best
opportunity to be able to do this for our child. Remember, though, that we
aren’t being realistic if we are expecting perfection in the ways we parent all
of the time. Use the pattern of repentance, allow for His grace to strengthen
you, pray, and seek continual improvement. When messy things happen, it’s
no different than the other areas of our lives we have already been practicing in!
me summarize a few “technical” helps as parents that will give us the best
opportunity to be able to do this for our child. Remember, though, that we
aren’t being realistic if we are expecting perfection in the ways we parent all
of the time. Use the pattern of repentance, allow for His grace to strengthen
you, pray, and seek continual improvement. When messy things happen, it’s
no different than the other areas of our lives we have already been practicing in!
One of the biggest things I loved about reading No Drama Discipline is that there
were no concrete answers to parenting situations. The authors acknowledge that
as parents, we must take into account multiple aspects of the situation all at once.
What do I want to teach in this moment? Is my child hungry or tired ? What is the
temperament of my child? Do I need to approach this more firmly or does the
situation warrant gentleness and tenderness? What is my own personality or
parenting style? I believe God takes into account such details as He parents us!
Not every child responds to the same things and even within the same child,
different experiences call for different parenting approaches.
were no concrete answers to parenting situations. The authors acknowledge that
as parents, we must take into account multiple aspects of the situation all at once.
What do I want to teach in this moment? Is my child hungry or tired ? What is the
temperament of my child? Do I need to approach this more firmly or does the
situation warrant gentleness and tenderness? What is my own personality or
parenting style? I believe God takes into account such details as He parents us!
Not every child responds to the same things and even within the same child,
different experiences call for different parenting approaches.
Siegel & Bryson offer a summary of parenting idea that I believe align with
God-like parenting. When we have moments that we need to discipline----or
teach--our child, we need to first have access to their Belief Boxes, right? When
he is in fight/flight/freeze mode then he isn’t receptive.
God-like parenting. When we have moments that we need to discipline----or
teach--our child, we need to first have access to their Belief Boxes, right? When
he is in fight/flight/freeze mode then he isn’t receptive.
We do this by 1. Connecting with him. If at all possible, we can crouch down to
his level or even better is to actually get below him. Use appropriate physical touch
such as a hand on the arms or shoulder, holding a hand, or gentle stroking.
his level or even better is to actually get below him. Use appropriate physical touch
such as a hand on the arms or shoulder, holding a hand, or gentle stroking.
2. Use the following principles: be aware of your own triggers and left overs before
proceeding. What have you observed about your child? Ask yourself why your
child might be doing this. Apply the same process of walking your own
“Actions/Behaviors” or “Emotions” back to the “Beliefs,” “Thought(s),” and “Inputs”
but for your child this time, and be careful of not only what you say, but how you
say it by your tone of voice and body language.
proceeding. What have you observed about your child? Ask yourself why your
child might be doing this. Apply the same process of walking your own
“Actions/Behaviors” or “Emotions” back to the “Beliefs,” “Thought(s),” and “Inputs”
but for your child this time, and be careful of not only what you say, but how you
say it by your tone of voice and body language.
3. Validate your child’s experience and emotions first. Really listen to what he
is saying. It’s not the right time to “fix it” yet. Even if what he is experiencing
isn’t reality. To him it is his reality. We must validate his experience first or he
won’t be able to consider solutions!
is saying. It’s not the right time to “fix it” yet. Even if what he is experiencing
isn’t reality. To him it is his reality. We must validate his experience first or he
won’t be able to consider solutions!
4. Redirect. As long as we are calm and ready and the child is calm and ready,
this is where we finally get to teach! It is at this point---notice it isn’t the first step---
that our child is receptive to our help, guidance towards a solutions, and self
exploration. More than just telling him what to do, we can guide him and support
him to discover for himself what happened, why it happened, and what to do for
the next time.
this is where we finally get to teach! It is at this point---notice it isn’t the first step---
that our child is receptive to our help, guidance towards a solutions, and self
exploration. More than just telling him what to do, we can guide him and support
him to discover for himself what happened, why it happened, and what to do for
the next time.
We can help him recognize and understand his own emotions and how it
connected to his “Actions/Behaviors.” We can help him recognize how his
choices affected others and walk him through the pattern of repentance too:
seeking forgiveness and making it right through restitution (see Siegel & Bryson...
226-227). We can ask God to know how we can point this child to Christ and His
Atonement. Even children as young as preschoolers can be ready for such an
approach.
connected to his “Actions/Behaviors.” We can help him recognize how his
choices affected others and walk him through the pattern of repentance too:
seeking forgiveness and making it right through restitution (see Siegel & Bryson...
226-227). We can ask God to know how we can point this child to Christ and His
Atonement. Even children as young as preschoolers can be ready for such an
approach.
Listen to this excerpt from another one of Siegel & Bryson’s books, The Whole
Brain Child. “You’ve had those days, right? When the sleep deprivation, the
muddy cleats, the peanut butter on the new jacket, the homework battles, the
Play-Doh in your computer keyboard, and the refrains of the ‘She started it!; leave
you counting the minutes until bedtime. On these days, when you (again?!!) have
to pry a raisin from a nostril, it seems like the most you can hope for is to survive.
Brain Child. “You’ve had those days, right? When the sleep deprivation, the
muddy cleats, the peanut butter on the new jacket, the homework battles, the
Play-Doh in your computer keyboard, and the refrains of the ‘She started it!; leave
you counting the minutes until bedtime. On these days, when you (again?!!) have
to pry a raisin from a nostril, it seems like the most you can hope for is to survive.
“However, when it comes to your children, you’re aiming a lot higher than mere survival.
Of course you want to get through those difficult tantrum-in-the restaurant moments.
But whether you’re a parent or other committed caregiver in a child’s life, your ultimate
goal is to raise kids in a way that lets them thrive. You want them to enjoy meaningful
relationships, be caring and compassionate, do well in school, work hard and be
responsible, and feel good about who they are” (Siegel & Bryson, The Whole-Brain
Child, Introduction xiii).
Of course you want to get through those difficult tantrum-in-the restaurant moments.
But whether you’re a parent or other committed caregiver in a child’s life, your ultimate
goal is to raise kids in a way that lets them thrive. You want them to enjoy meaningful
relationships, be caring and compassionate, do well in school, work hard and be
responsible, and feel good about who they are” (Siegel & Bryson, The Whole-Brain
Child, Introduction xiii).
I cried when I read those words because I could completely relate and felt so much
hope and I hadn’t even gotten past the introduction yet! I was trying to just survive
the day-to-day chaos and moments of intensity from not only normal daily life, but
also encouraging healing for children who had trauma of their own.
hope and I hadn’t even gotten past the introduction yet! I was trying to just survive
the day-to-day chaos and moments of intensity from not only normal daily life, but
also encouraging healing for children who had trauma of their own.
I believe that God wants us to do more than just survive parenthood. He wants our
children to survive, of course, but He also wants them to thrive and thriving is possible
through Jesus Christ! The same goes for us too as parents! Remember the parent is
His primary objective in this arrangement of parent-child relationship. I recognize that
this may be just like the other doctrines and principles that have appeared complex,
paradoxical, and confusing. Hopefully you can see that your own experiences and
the details of what thriving and surviving in parenthood for you and your children
looks like will be unique to you. There is no one “right” way for how this will look for
parents across the board. Do your best and remember to allow grace into all of this.
Let Christ cover you personally here and be your goal as you seek to teach your
children to allow themselves to be covered as well.
children to survive, of course, but He also wants them to thrive and thriving is possible
through Jesus Christ! The same goes for us too as parents! Remember the parent is
His primary objective in this arrangement of parent-child relationship. I recognize that
this may be just like the other doctrines and principles that have appeared complex,
paradoxical, and confusing. Hopefully you can see that your own experiences and
the details of what thriving and surviving in parenthood for you and your children
looks like will be unique to you. There is no one “right” way for how this will look for
parents across the board. Do your best and remember to allow grace into all of this.
Let Christ cover you personally here and be your goal as you seek to teach your
children to allow themselves to be covered as well.
Families are at the heart of God’s plan for His children. Just like the other aspects
of the Fall, allowing for mortal children was carefully calculated in wisdom; the
resulting messes were both anticipated and covered by the Atonement. Additionally,
it is important for individuals climbing from the wreckage of situations, such as
addiction, to understand that after an individual is changed and healed, the marriage,
then the family unit as a whole will also need time, practice, and experiences to be
able to shift, settle in, and heal as well.
of the Fall, allowing for mortal children was carefully calculated in wisdom; the
resulting messes were both anticipated and covered by the Atonement. Additionally,
it is important for individuals climbing from the wreckage of situations, such as
addiction, to understand that after an individual is changed and healed, the marriage,
then the family unit as a whole will also need time, practice, and experiences to be
able to shift, settle in, and heal as well.
As with everything I have shared up to this point, I can tell you from personal
experience that these aren’t just random doctrines and principles. I am a living
witness that the Atonement can heal any hurt, repair any broken marriage, and
change any awful parenting mistakes into acceptance to be used for God’s good.
And it is all possible because of our Savior Jesus Christ! Ministering in parenting
can become a beautiful leg of our journey!
experience that these aren’t just random doctrines and principles. I am a living
witness that the Atonement can heal any hurt, repair any broken marriage, and
change any awful parenting mistakes into acceptance to be used for God’s good.
And it is all possible because of our Savior Jesus Christ! Ministering in parenting
can become a beautiful leg of our journey!
Next Section HERE
Previous Section HERE
Comments
Post a Comment