True Charity


We never felt like a "project," which is just incredible to me with how many times 
we were reached out to during our struggles over those years.  When ward members 
reached out, we knew we were loved and our shame was met without judgement. 
We have spoken here and there about charity. Again, we wouldn’t have felt like that 
if individuals weren’t ministering. We were pointed not only to Christ, but also to His 
love for us individually through our ward family. If they were only trying to be nice or 
merely concerned for us or attempting to manufacture love for us, it wouldn’t have 
helped us to discover Him.

Ask yourself two questions:  
1. What is my motivation if I reach out to those who are struggling?
2. Why do I not reach out when I hear someone is struggling?
                                         
Let's look at the first questions here.  I had never honestly asked myself this before 
I took my first inventory. My motivation actually came up quite a bit not only in general, 
but specifically as to why I was trying to serve those around me. Maybe all I need to say 
for you to understand this is that I was a recovering Rescuer (remember The
 Drama Triangle?).  It was interesting to discover that on the surface, it looked like
 I was such a great person because I was always reaching out to others around me.  

We can serve out of a sense of duty, guilt, hope of a reward, fear of punishment, or even 
praise of others, but when we are motivated by anything but Christ’s love in us, we are 
missing the opportunity to truly be on God’s errand. Anything but His love distracts us 
from the often subtle directions on how to minister with precision and pinpoint accuracy. 
I am thankful the Spirit helped me to spot this pattern in the inventory and to work to 
address it.  I am grateful for the examples of ward members who served me and my 
family out of love for God and being filled with charity!

The amazing thing I am learning about love and charity is that is can have an impact 
that our own efforts alone cannot generate.  I have heard it said that "love is the most 
powerful force in the universe." Love is an attribute of God, for not only does He love, 
but He literally IS love.  If I am reaching out to those in my ward family or within my circle 
of influence because I love God and Christ has filled me with His love, I can reach in a 
way that is more effective than just tossing some casseroles---which sometimes that truly 
is what is needed, don't get me wrong---and saying, "If you need anything let me know," 
or even just to engage in the neighborhood gossip of being in "the know" about individuals 
and their circumstances.

Consider these verses: "Now the end of the commandment is charity out of a pure 
heart, and of a good conscience, and of faith unfeigned:  From which some having 
swerved have turned aside unto vain jangling" (1 Timothy 1:5&6). The footnote offers 
a Greek translation of "vain jangling:" "vain, idle, fruitless discussion

These verses jumped out at me!  I read them to mean that if I don't have charity, it 
is easy to "[swerve]." Rather than serving as God's instrument, I am wasting my efforts 
in discussions that never actualizes into something helpful for that individual.  We can 
talk all we want about people and their circumstances, but until we are filled with charity, 
we are missing the action that could be the answer to having that person's needs met 
in a way that could help them find Christ.  Again, I reflect on our experiences. Because 
of others, we not only weathered through those storms, but were pointed to Christ and 
a deep conversion of The Gospel.

How about the second question: "why would I not reach?"

I have written about shame before and would submit here that shame can be a big 
reason we may not reach.  I would assume that for many of us, this shame reaction 
is something that we aren't even aware of on a conscious level.  Maybe we feel 
shame because we don't know what to do or say. I will address this in the next section. 
We fear saying the wrong thing so we don't say anything.  

Maybe the person’s circumstances reminds us of situations in our own life.  We feel 
unable to "sit in it" with that other person because it hits too close to home.  Sometimes 
hearing of others' struggles can stir shame because even though we may not mean to, 
our knee-jerk reaction is to create a barrier between their experience and ours.  
Unknowingly, we try to create a "reason" as to why that happened to them and why 
it won't happen to us. Truly though, we are all just one divorce away from a broken 
marriage, one terminal illness away from those afflicted with such, one "wayward" 
child away from what we picture as our perfect family or whatever circumstances 
are before us as we have opportunities to minister. That is all that separates "us" 
from "them" (see Berne Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection, page ?).  
When we are truly filled with Charity and seeking to build Zion, there can't be "us" 
and "them" as the illusion shame so masterfully creates.  If we are seeking to be of 
"one heart and one mind," (Moses 7:18) we must take a different approach! Now 
hopefully you aren't feeling shame from reading about shame! :)  This is intended 
to bring an awareness and be an encouragement to practice the counter to shame---
which is connection. When we respond at all rather than keeping our distance for 
fear of the wrong words or fear of "catching it,” when we not only respond, but respond 
with empathy, that is when we can rise about the "vain jangling" and actually connect 
in meaningful ways.

(By the way, I just have to throw in good humor that “it” may be: addiction, divorce, loss 
of a loved one, children who struggle, terminal illness, infertility, same-sex attraction, faith 
crisis...and any of the other fiery trials of our faith aren't contagious. We don't suddenly 
"catch" any of those things like we could some germ just because we associate with those 
who are struggling!  You’re welcome. It’s kind of amusing when it’s put that way, isn’t it?

Elder Renlund made this powerful statement,  “As His disciples, let us fully mirror 
His love and love one another so openly and completely that no one feels abandoned, 
alone, or hopeless” (Source).  Charity is His pure love flowing through us.  Christ can 
clear away all of our “junk.” We can become clearer and purer instruments, so His 
love can pass through us to reach out and gather in those who otherwise would feel 
misunderstood or isolated.

Now, I acknowledge that not everyone earns the privilege to hear the details of our 
personal struggles.  As we come with the motivation of love, our hearts will be more 
easily known. When love of God is our motive and we are filled with charity, it can be 
felt---just like it will be felt if we are "a project" for the ward.  Even if we have love as 
our motive and charity as our guide, not everyone will be receptive. We may feel 
 underused by those around us, but that is okay. We can face God at the end of the 
day knowing we have done all we could on our end to reach.  Who knows what seeds 
may have been planted or what future interactions will be opened up because of our 
efforts for that day to point others to Christ.

I cannot emphasize enough that we cannot just "white knuckle it" hard enough to 
suddenly desire to respond differently.  We cannot muster up charity on our own. 
As we turn to God and seek for help in doing it different, He will guide us through the 
steps we need to take to clear a space to hold charity and to fill us with His love.  
Others around us can feel God's love reflected through us.

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