WILLING to Bear Children

Just like the topic of marriage we just touched on, there is enough 
information on parenting to cover volumes and volumes of books.  
There is a broad range of information already available with new information 
becoming available every day from researchers, experts, and honest seekers 
of Truth on topics such as child development, the brain, and psychology.  Let’s 
also not forget the treasure trove of information also available from The Standard 
works as well as prophets and apostles that can guide and support our efforts 
as parents! In our time together we need to hit on two main topics that fall under 
the general umbrellas of parenthood and parenting.  I will leave the rest for your 
devoted 10,000 hours of study, practice, and experience. I need to take a minute
to talk about the ideal again, but I will devote the rest of this chapter to the challenges 
we may encounter as we seek to minster in our parenting.

WILLING TO BEAR CHILDREN  
The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their 
potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment 
for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further 
declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to 
be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband 
and wife” (Source).

I don’t want to push too hard on this topic. I know it can be a tender one, 
especially for those individuals or couples who would love to have more children. 
Struggles related to the betrayal or additional challenges such as infertility or abuse 
create a gap.  This gap in regards to the number or spacing of children means there 
is a difference from what God allows or can be reasonably achievable and what the 
couple or one spouse would willingly welcome. 

Hopefully you grasp how important is is to be willing as husbands and wives to 
welcome children into our homes!  The timing isn’t always right and each couple 
gets a different answer when they take the questions involved with the number 
and spacing of children to God. Sometimes it’s even the way they need to be 
brought into a family in the first place.  We had a good bishop who reminded our 
ward regularly that we need to remember to include God in this conversation.  Let 
me tell you a tender story then we will expand out this thought.

We may be quick to pass judgement that a couple has “too many children” or 
“too few” or that the children are “too close” or “too far apart” in age.  I was told 
of a couple who had been married for years, yet had no children. 

A neighbor noticed that they were always adding expensive pieces of furniture 
to their home.  The neighbor would see the delivery truck in the couple’s driveway 
or watch them unloading furniture.  Finally one day he couldn’t stand it any longer. 

He approached the couple in retribution.  Why were they spending their money 
on furniture when they should be getting a move on in having children?  Imagine 
how he must have felt when they explained to him that every time they had a 
miscarriage, they would purchase a new piece of furniture as a way to memorialize 
their loss! 

We need to be willing to bear children, but that will look different for each one 
of us. We need to be patient and kind with each other and ourselves, especially 
when there are unexpected twists and turns as we seek to fulfill this commandment.  

I won’t share the full details here, but I can speak from personal experience that 
there is power in including God in the conversations surrounding number and 
spacing of children.  When we were at a pivotal time of decision making, logically 
we had enough evidence to suggest we should be done welcoming children into 
our family through pregnancy. Then we read an Ensign article.  I would suggest 
reading it in its entirety. As a couple, we felt it was written from a neutral standpoint 
rather than radically leaning to one direction or the other. Reading this paragraph 
gave us the courage to receive our answer and act upon it.

"I recall a President of the Church, now deceased, who visited his daughter in 
the hospital following a miscarriage.  She was the mother of eight children and 
was in her early forties. She asked, 'Father, may I quit now?' His response was, 
'Don't ask me.  That decision is between you, your husband, and your Father in 
Heaven.  If you two can face him with a good conscience and can say you 
have done the best you could, that you have really tried, then you may 
quite.  But, that is between you and Him.  I have enough problems of my own
to talk over with him when we meet!'  So it is clear to me that the decisions 
regarding our children, when to have them, the number, and all related matters 
and questions can only be made after real discussion between the marriage 
partners and after prayer"  (Source).

I love that in the Ensign article the author never shares how that story ended.  
Did that couple keep trying or were the done? We never know. I will tell you 
that in our own story, we knew that although we had tried all we knew how, we 
were not done welcoming children this way.  The details will be left unsaid here. 
If you are dying to know, go read them on my blog; :) however, we had our 
prayers confirmed that there was indeed more we could do. 

We were led to things that we had not yet tried.  Although it was a rocky and 
difficult 9 months, we gave birth to a beautiful and healthy son.  This delightful 
child is now 4. I look at him in wonder and gratitude almost every day. What 
if we hadn’t included God in this decision?  I do not believe we would have 
been blessed with this wonderful child!

I can speak from another angle as well.  I knew things were bad, but I was 
hopeful it was going to be short-lived.  We decided to try for another baby 
and I conceived within the month. By the time I had a positive pregnancy 
test, I was beginning to wonder if I would give birth to this baby as a single 
mom.  Although it hurt, it was also a relief to go to our first doctor appointment 
and discover this baby had no heartbeat. I was grateful to not have to continue 
in that pregnancy while my marriage was in such a fragile state.

The point I am trying to make is that sometimes we really do have obstacles.  
It doesn’t matter if the obstacle is our willingness or some other obstacle(s) 
that would prevent us or hinder us in being able to freely bear children.  We 
can look to our Savior for a beautiful pattern. 

As He knelt in the Garden of Gethsemane, He asked three times for this 
bitter cup to be removed from Him (see Matthew 26:39, 42, 44).  When we 
have obstacles of any kind, it isn’t blasphemous to ask God in faith to remove 
the bitter cup---to pray for the obstacle to flat out be removed or changed or 
to be lead to the knowledge, experience, or people who could show us how 
these circumstances can be changed or removed (see THIS conference 
talk for reference).  

Through our experiences in welcoming children into our family, I have 
literally watched miracles like this unfold before our very eyes.  God has 
blasted through the obstacles and made it possible for the safe arrival of 
each one of our children. 

But I have also learned that this isn’t the only kind of miracle God can offer.  
Sometimes, for varied reasons, God cannot allow that cup to pass. In 
these situations, we can again, follow the example of our Savior by offering 
our willingness as He did when He said, “Abba, Father, all things are 
possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what 
I will, but what thou wilt(Mark 14:36). Elder Holland adds, “if the bitter 
cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead” (Source).

Sometimes the miracle is not in the removal of the obstacle, but instead 
it is His ability to strengthen us to “bear up [our] burdens with ease” 
(Mosiah 24:15).  And if this is the kind of miracle God needs for us this 
time, we can take heart knowing it does not mean we are somehow 
lacking in faith or righteousness or any other lies Satan and his minions 
will likely be throwing at you with their full might and fury at such a tender 
and critical time for you.  

Elder Bednar speaks these words of comfort, “Righteousness and faith 
certainly are instrumental in moving mountains—
if moving mountains accomplishes God’s purposes and is in accordance with 
His will. Righteousness and faith certainly are instrumental in healing the sick, 
deaf, and lame—if such healing accomplishes God’s purposes and is in 
accordance with His will. Thus, even if we have strong faith, many mountains 
will not be moved. And not all of the sick and infirm will be healed. If all 
opposition were curtailed, if all maladies were removed, then the primary 
purposes of the Father’s plan would be frustrated. Many of the lessons we 
are to learn in mortality can be received only through the things we 
experience and sometimes suffer. And God expects and trusts us to face 
temporary mortal adversity with His help so we can learn what we need 
to learn and ultimately become what we are to become in eternity” (Source, emphasis).

This pattern of including God in the details, asking in Faith for the obstacles 
to be removed, acting upon answers and prompting, then willingly submitting 
to His will is a sure pattern as we seek to be willing to provide mortal bodies 
for His other children (as well as other life experiences that present 
themselves as a change of plans). It goes both ways in helping us to 
submit to the unexpected surprises of children not coming as soon as 
we expecting or sooner than we expected, in fewer children or more  
children than we originally anticipated.  Be open to what God needs 
this to be and you will have complete assurance that you will be able to 
look Him straight in the eyes. 

And if in looking back we see ways where we made mistakes, don’t 
forget that you are covered here too!  God anticipated that living in 
families can quickly become messy. Don’t allow Satan to shame or 
discourage you.  He would love for you to beat yourself up for the thing 
you did or didn’t do that maybe could have gone differently.  

But how can we expect ourselves to do better than we know how 
to do? I believe people do the best they know how.  When we know better, 
we can do better.  Even then, change takes time. So be patient with 
yourself!  We are all learning, growing, and trying. To bring our present 
self into the details of the past is a favorite trap of the Adversary.

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