The Biggest Miscarriage I Have Ever Had: My Life in Your Hands

I had asked him to be frank and direct, yet I couldn't stop the tears from cascading down my cheeks. It hurt, yet at the same time it didn't. I pulled myself back from thinking about what I had just been told to navigating my car again. I stopped to fill up with gas before heading out of town and back to my new home state.

God has been gently prying open tender, tender places in my heart lately. I have stubbornly kept certain places of my heart tightly clamped shut all of these years.

After the theme of this year for me and my family ("the unexpected"), I guess I really shouldn't have been as shocked as I was when Mark and I knew from General Conference that we needed to seriously revisit pregnancy. Mark was immediately willing and open-minded...I wasn't. I knew my heart can't bear another miscarriage or high-risk pregnancy, but President Oak's words had pricked our hearts and so I was at least willing to become willing to consider it.:)

As I sat through the Women's Meeting and President Oaks spoke again, silent tears streamed down my cheeks. How can I ask the women to do something I myself am unwilling? How can I encourage other women to prayerfully examine their personal circumstances and partner with God to willingly invite children into their homes when I myself couldn't even fathom that idea in my own life.

But Heavenly Father was patient and tender. I prayed. Mark and I prayed. I searched the scriptures. We studied together. I fasted and we fasted. I went to the temple and we went to the temple. I felt His love for me on my yoga mat and as I spent time out in nature. He knew how difficult this was for me to be willing to weight and consider on. Slowly, I allowed God to open my heart to the idea of pregnancy.

He answered me in an incredible way. As I sought for help with my heart, He showed me more about the Atonement. There are things about Jesus Christ and the Atonement that I have experienced before, especially through the up's and down's of miscarriages and difficult pregnancies; however, I didn't understand them at the time or understand them as fully as I do now.

God not only wants us to return to Him, but His deepest desire is that we will return having become like Him. Although life doesn't always have to be difficult---and I have discovered that we often make it harder than it actually needs to be---there are certain aspects, especially those of deeper discipleship that cannot be acquired except through experiences that stretch us. We cannot learn about sacrifice, consecration, meekness, patience, or holiness without the fiery refinement of difficulties of every kind---personally tailored for our betterment and growth. The purpose of the Atonement is our growth...it is that growth that propels us towards becoming like God.

I don't know why we have struggled like we have.

I finally know that it isn't because of me. I have carried guilt for years. I wondered if it must be because I'm not righteous enough or close enough to the Spirit. It must be some subconscious programming or block that I have created that needs to be detected and removed. I can finally have peace that this isn't the case here.  I have done everything I can to prevent our losses and difficulties. Even when we walk side by side with our Savior, we will still encounter challenges. Sometimes those challenges are the creation of our own poor choices. Sometimes they are because of another's use of their own agency. But some things are simply part of living in a fallen world. Sometimes things just happen and it doesn't automatically mean we are the one who caused them.

As He continued to gently nudge my heart open, I discovered "my answer" in a book I have been reading. Bruce C. Hafen quotes a women who said, "Her faith was based in trust and not in blessings, and would therefore withstand any trial." Heavenly Father lovingly spoke to me through these words. If I am to step forward with faith that is based on blessings (I wanted a "guarantee" that we could have an easy pregnancy before I was willing to have the faith to commit to it), then I am building on a sandy foundation. If I can step forward with faith based on trust that with my Savior at my side, I can face anything (I really don't want to go through this, but I trust You can see what I can't. I trust that You are refining me and shaping me as You guide me on my journey back to You and becoming like You).

That new realization grew in my heart until I knew that I could step forward with faith based on trust.

We continued to gather information from all avenues. We continued to search for answers and pray for help with our new lead as to what could be at the root of our pregnancy challenges. I scheduled to drive back to Idaho to consult with my old OB. As I drove, I prayed like I have never prayed before. This process had opened up something inside of me that is difficult to articulate. I told Heavenly Father than I was willing to choose pregnancy, knowing full well that it would probably be a difficult process; however, I told Him that I was also willing to not choose pregnancy, too. It was the first time I have been able to say both of those things and truly, truly mean them. I told Him that I am willing to adopt a child or more children, even knowing more than ever before what a challenging road that is for all involved; however, I am also willing to not adopt. I am willing to accept that we may be "done." And while my heart was so wide open, I was able to hand over my heart in a way that I have never before experienced because of how guarded I have been with certain areas of it. I told Him that my life is in His hands. I will go, do, say, and be whatever He needs me to both inside of my home and outside of it. It was such an amazing moment! Finally being able to let go has opened up something deep inside of me. This place of neutrality and non-attachment has been life changing!

The next morning I headed over to the Dr.'s office. He had been our Dr. for all of our pregnancies except Sennika's. At first, he tried to sugar coat it. I finally told him that I needed him to be direct and frank. Although we knew we struggled as things happened during pregnancies, it was the first time he was that point-blank about me as a candidate for future pregnancies. I can see now that his upbeat approach as we encountered difficulties was likely an effort to keep my spirits and hopes high as we rode the roller coaster pregnancy after pregnancy. At one point he got emotional too as he told me how surprised he was that Mark and I had continued to get pregnant even after all we had gone through. Even with our new lead (which he confirmed could very well be what has caused our challenges), he still strongly discouraged us from getting pregnant ever again. We have done all we can do. He pointed out that I am healthy right now and that I have other children at home who need me. He told me that my life is literally on the line every time I get pregnant. I have come close to being gone multiple times during pregnancy and even miscarriage. I "knew" that, but again, he had never spoken to me so seriously about it before.

After my gas tank was full in my car, I texted Mark to tell him I was on the road and heading home. He called when the kids were settled and we cried together. It's heartbreaking to be willing to welcome more children, yet be faced with the choice of whether or not it's worth the risk for our other children to grow up without a mom. We have talked back and forth and prayed and gone to the temple. We recognize that this is our choice. I wish I could choose both, but we can finally see that the most prudent and wise choice is to close this door for the rest of our mortal lives. I will never again choose to get pregnant. I will never again choose to carry a baby. I will never again choose to partner with God in this miraculous and breath-taking process.

It is the biggest miscarriage I have ever had.

I have taken the time this week to slow down...to be with myself and give myself permission to grieve this great loss. I look forward to being there for my kids and even my grandkids. I see the wonderful opportunities I have to encourage and influence others in powerful ways. My life is so very blessed and it would be a shame for it to be cut short.

Although I have needed to process through this loss, it has also been a beautiful and intimate experience with my Heavenly Father. Just like with all of my miscarriages, God has given me a gift in its place. We came full circle in our decision that adoption is still our path to adding to our family. This process reconfirmed our answer from 3 1/2 years ago on a deeper level; however, the amazing thing is that it is no longer emotionally charged for me. My heart is wide-open, and for the first time I am completely at peace with how my life has and is going here. I can finally accept it rather than fight against it. I don't know why we have had to face these challenges...but I don't need to know why. I can step forward in faith based on trust...trust that Heavenly Father knows me and loves me and has a plan for me...trust that this isn't permanent and forever.

Maybe you have been wrestling in these exact same circumstances of choosing whether or not to welcome more children into your home. Maybe you will choose to step forward in faith and experience peace that you are done. You know that you have given all you and your spouse can with God at your side or it isn't the right thing now and that is okay. Maybe you will choose to step forward in faith like we have time and time again seeing clearly that there are obstacles to work through, but trusting in this prompting knowing that God will fight for you.

Maybe it isn't about bringing children into this world at all.

Maybe you are like me and you have desires, especially righteous ones that seem to be far off or will never be fulfilled in this life. Maybe rather than needing to choose to willingly welcome more children into your home, it's navigating through the challenges of being single as your spouse has yet to find you. Maybe you are choosing to bring children into this world, yet you are up against the unimaginable heartbreak of infertility.

It could be...sickness...financial difficulties...an eternal marriage that is in shambles...wayward children...mental health challenges...it could be anything.

I don't know what you are facing, but I know that Heavenly Father does. He doesn't want just part of your heart; He wants all of it...every nook and cranny of it. He desires to flood it with love and light and peace, but He can't unless you let Him in. Turn your heart over to Him. Trust Him...and be honest when you are actually struggling to let Him in. He can take that too. :)

I don't know why we struggle with such difficult things in this life apart from requiring a growing process in order to become like our Heavenly Father. I don't understand everything about the complexities of mortality, but I know Heavenly Father loves us. He never will abandon us, especially as we enter into covenants with Him.

I don't know what the future holds for me or my family...but I am finally, really truly open to it and will take it as it comes. <3