I stumbled across this raw e-mail tonight. It's amazing to read tonight after so much growth and healing. My therapist had asked the group members in my group therapy program to send her an email explaining what betrayal trauma is like. Her intent was to help educate other professionals about what we were going through since betrayal trauma was still so new. I wrote this 4 1/2 years ago and share it unedited with Mark's encouragement:
I recently watched Wreck-it-Ralph with my little ones. THIS scene really struck me as a perfect example of triggers and trauma. We may appear crazy on the outside to those supporting us women. Just like in the scene, a trauma response can unfold quickly in my mind and in a matter of seconds I flash back to scenes from the darkest time of my life.
I would assume there is common trauma for loved-ones supporting a loved one with any type of addiction. The strains on family, finances, and marriages would be similar I would imagine. The daily hurt as I work through just this aspect alone of trauma has taken up a huge chunk of my life these past few years. In addition to healing from general aspects of addiction, I am dealing with trauma from my husband's sexual addiction and the rawness of betrayal in that very vulnerable and tender way. I have long ago forgiven my husband; however, healing has come slowly.
I cannot compare physically to the intercepted Victoria Secret magazine my husband later admitted to smuggling from the mailbox for private viewing pleasures. Nor can I compare to the barely clothed women he met at the strip club, not to mention the countless bodies he gawked at on screens for over a decade. For a time I tried in vain to rival the excitement, and eventually realized I could not win. My breasts are beginning to sag and my body is covered in stretch marks---trophies won from the beautiful privilege of bearing and nurturing 4 children.
Like others, I assumed his addiction was directly a sexual matter. When our life was crumbling apart, I assumed it was my fault. I wasn't attractive enough or sexually willing enough or exciting enough, so naturally my husband would "HAVE" to look to other means to have his needs met. His sexual addiction was "my fault." After all, having had our first 3 babies so close together I had "let myself go" more than I ever dreamed I would.
It is difficult not to take infidelity personally. Each individual situation is a complex matter and I recognize I contributed to our nightmare; however, as I have interacted with women in similar situations as myself, they are some of the most physically attractive women I have ever met. Many of us are struggling to heal from the messages that are sent not only by our husbands, but also by friends and family and even local church leaders as we deal with this blow.
Infidelity is detrimental to any marriage. Additionally as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints, most have entered into sacred covenants. This can add an extra layer of confusion and hurt as we sort through what it means to have a husband who has violated his covenants.
...THEN to learn that I was actually right. I had allowed myself to feed into lies on multiple levels. Lies as I would try to put my finger on something being off. He would say he was fine, so it believe the lie that it must be me---only to find out later that I was right every time. Lies about my causing his addiction when he actually brought it into our marriage. Lies that if I was more exploratory with sex that it would fix his addiction. All of it. Lies. And now I am having to learn to re-live. To trust myself and my intuition again. To rebuild my marriage and family that have been nearly destroyed. To carefully see to my fragile self-worth. To dare to hope only to have him slip again, or for some, even fall back into old ways. It's amazing how long it can take to build trust and safety and how it can be shattered again in an instant.
It is raw and painful. Fortunate for me, I have a husband who is moving forward and is working daily to maintain recovery. He is tender of my feelings as I work through the layers of hurt. He has created a safe place for me to finally share the trauma, without judgement, and with validation and reassurance for the future. Not all women are able to have what I have and I am grateful that he has chosen recovery.
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