Failed Adoption...

A few weeks after we were matched with our birth mom.

Most of the details and happenings of our "extra" household members and the circumstances that expanded us to a household of 9 1/2 until recently will not be shared publicly where most isn't our to share. There are many involved in these complex situations. The parts that I feel are ours to acknowledge and discuss are as follows.

At the end of March last year, we received a phone call that will change our family forever. We were asked if my then 15-year-old sister could temporarily move in with our family. Although I won't say much, I will say that we have learned valuable lessons through the life experiences we have had of learning to parent another child who, like our other kids, is a completely different individual, as well as being plunged into the world of teens years before we were expecting to be. :) After just short of a full year of her being with our family, we unexpectedly and suddenly sent her home a few weeks ago. Tough stuff.

Last October, (again I won't say much) after 3 1/2 years of hoping to adopt, we had our very first "real" birth mom who was "really" pregnant reach out to us. Up to that point, everyone else who reached out to us had been scammers seeking money, attention, or both. We were able to quickly confirm that she was indeed "real" as well as "really" pregnant. We were initially stunned because we had never made it that far in our adoption hopes before. Shortly after her reaching, she decided she was as sure as she could be about adoption and as sure as she could be about our family. She moved in with our family right after Thanksgiving. Again, there really isn't much that I feel like I can share; however, I was invited to OB appointments and saw sweet baby girl moving on the screens. We didn't simply interact with her online. We lived up close and vulnerably personal for months. This wasn't a scam...this was a real birth mom...a real person who is carrying a real baby...who were closer to joining our family than any other baby and birth mom ever have been in our adoption journey. We had already accomplished some of the legal steps for adoption: the birth father's rights were terminated and we had petitioned the state to adopt this baby. We had just paid for our homestudy and were about to start that process. We had all the baby clothes up to 18 months and all the baby gear. I was starting to dream up nursery plans with Sennika where our birth mom had applied for apartments and was planning to move out soon...then the day after my sister went home, she told us that she had changed her mind and was going to parent instead.

We went into this with our eyes and hearts wide open (and much more wide open than 4 years ago when we started our hoping to adopt journey). We knew she could change her mind and told her up front from the beginning that we would totally "get it" if she decided to parent or found a better fit than our family. I guess it would just be like having a miscarriage at 13 weeks...we thought we were more "in the clear" than we actually were. Mark and I made the decision early on in our adoption journey to love all the way through this journey...regardless of how short or long individuals would be in our lives through this process...we were going to love with our hearts wide open.

I stumbled across an article today that validates my hesitation to fully acknowledge our recent losses. The author says, "I will grieve the loss of something that was never mine." I didn't feel like this baby was mine to choose yet...not until papers were signed and she was lovingly placed in our arms would I feel like she was "mine." So it has felt silly to fully hurt with the deep pain that is bubbling up because this baby girl wasn't even "mine" yet...

But then I thought of our babies lost to miscarriage and I realized what this is right now.

It's a miscarriage...

although I didn't carry this baby in my uterus, I carried her in my heart for almost 4 months.

And just like with my babies we lost to miscarriage, this isn't "just a baby" that can be traded or replaced like trading cards...but an actual individual person.

Some people couldn't understand our grieving over our tiny, tiny babies, and I recognize that this loss may be equally or even more difficult for others to understand...but to me, just like my babies that were "real" to me even if they weren't "real" or "valid" to anybody else...they really were inside of me even if it was only briefly...and this baby really was inside of my heart.

And it hurts. We have felt so loved and carried. So many dear friends and ward and stake members have reached out and helped us to bear this burden. A dear friend brought dinner...and then a few nights later another dear friend did too. Another dear friend took me to the temple as soon as possible. There have been cards, texts, calls, flowers, and treats...people talking to us about it and acknowledging our losses. We have felt so loved through the darkness of the past few weeks. <3

But today I have a peaceful thought that has settled on my heart and mind.

It's time to live life as if adoption may never happen.

I'm not sure you will be able to understand what I mean by that. We aren't ready to completely shut the door permanently to adoption. Yes, we are ready to shut it temporarily in order to process, grieve, and heal...but to shut it forever doesn't feel right now either. It took us 3 1/2 years to shut the door to pregnancy in this life and may take just as long or longer if we do eventually close this door forever.

But, it's time to live life like my baby will be 5 years old this fall...because he will be.

Although for this homeschooling mama that probably doesn't mean the same thing to me as it would to many other women in my situation, :) it does mean that one day a week all 4 of my kids will go to an all day homeschooling co-op group.

That might mean that I work up to adding another office day for QNRT...or maybe that I do more yoga and read more books...or even something else. It also means that I will be going on for additional Hatha Yoga training next month with the expectation that I will start teaching a specialized yoga course out of therapists' offices beginning this fall. It means that I will start my 200 hour YTT for Kundalini Yoga this spring and expect to come back to regularly teaching Kundalini Yoga classes again soon. It means that kids yoga will likely be coming back as well. I want to start teaching a mindful parenting course that incorporates brain awareness and wellness and kids yoga. I have had reoccurring dreams this year that some day I open a brain wellness center in Northern Utah where I teach yoga and offer QNRT so maybe that "some day" will happen even sooner than I expected...I'm not sure yet exactly what it will mean...

...But what it does mean is that it's time to step more fully into what I am meant to do during my time on this planet without holding back for a baby that may come...or may never actually come. It means that I am in a different time and season of my life than I have ever been in before with older kids than I have ever had before. It means there is more time and energy that can go to my mission and purpose outside of my home than if I had a brand new baby.

There are still things that can be done if adoption is to be part of our lives, but I feel to approach it with a changed heart...to allow it to happen rather than expect that it will. The rest will continue to unfold as we remember God's love and awareness of our family, and do our best to align our wills with His.