Bare Wood

Shortly after we moved into this home, I noticed that every time I would slide my hand down the handrail of our banister, just like when toweling off my my giggling children's skin after a long bath, paint would literally rub off onto my hand. I am not a paint expert, and our last home was brand new when we moved in, so I never needed to learn home renovation skills before.

I let it go for about a year until the banister had enough nicks and scratches from a houseful of little boys, then I knew I was at a crossroads. I could either touch up the paint and call it good, or I could sand it down to bare wood and have my options opened up. I had pictures of a beautifully wood-stained banister in my mind. 

After quite a bit of effort, I found bare wood under layers of old paint...but it had an unusual filmy layer when I ran my hand across it. I excitedly tried my wood-stain on it...and it slicked right off. It wouldn't absorb at all. I called a hardware store in Ogden and spoke with someone over the phone who told me my only option was to paint it because of the age of the banister. I was in a hurry to get the project done and couldn't stand being in between, so I primed, painted, and sealed.

Now two years later, I am at the same crossroads again. Living life with kids has taken its toll on this banister...and the walls are ready for spackling and touch up paint...many parts of our home are ready for some updating and at least some attention again.

The past 12 months have been the most neglected my home has been in all my years of homemaking. In preparing my taxes, it was so validating to be reminded of all the amazing reasons why: I drove about 2,800 miles in 2018 for my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training (...that is called 200 hours because that is how many hours I invested in the training + all those extra hours in the car traveling to and from training). :) With a trip to California, I became a certified Karma Kids Yoga instructor and taught weekly kids yoga classes for 8 months in 2018. I took 3 trips to Georgia and 1 trip to Minnesota to become a certified and advanced practitioner for QNRT. I have had the wonderful privilege to lead and serve the sisters in my stake as stake Relief Society president. I have homeschooled my 3 oldest kids. Daily life with 4 kids hasn't slowed down. Mark and I have been very careful with our time to do our best to give each child one on one time every week. We opened our home to extra household members who also required time, energy, and attention. I have purposely tiptoed past dirty dishes and stacked up laundry and walls and banisters needing touch up paint...to choose people over things and take advantage of the opportunities I have had in 2018.

But now it's time to give some time, attention, and organization to these walls I have grown to love so well. It's time to reclaim this space both physically and energetically. So I tried again.

I got a second opinion. I was literally only one tiny step away last time and didn't even know it. All that was missing was a layer of wood stripper directly on the bare wood. I anxiously waited to see if it would bubble up, signifying that it would be an easy fix...and it did! I tried my wood stain on a test area and it absorbed this time!

This time, I have realized that I am actually the bare wood.

I didn't use that phrase the other times I have been like this before. I spoke of being burned to the ground and "beauty for ashes" (Isaiah 61:3).

But this time it's bare wood.

I feel just as striped. Just as bare. The events of the past month have brought me back to square one in my self observation. Mark gave me two blessings almost a month ago, and in both I was promised to come to know myself better than ever before by discovering my weaknesses.

I have.

And I am.

If I hadn't been in this place of nothingness before, then maybe I would be more afraid.

But I'm not.

I am excited to see the end results that will eternally become a part of my identity.

Right now I am a blank canvas...

Full of potential.

It's me, my sander, and my thoughts.

Engaging in these creative endeavors has been a therapy for me to process through these major life changes.

Just like my banister and other home improvements, I, too, am a work in progress.

I will be for a while (and then it will be time to renovate another area of my life).

I have all the time in the world, though. There is no rush to this job.

I can wait in my honesty, and see what the Master Creator wants this new and improved version of me to be like.

This time, I have hope that it will be possible.

I have already tested it out before.

So as the stripping down to bare wood continues, I'm not worried about it.

Although I don't now exactly how it will turn out in the end, I have a vision of it and a trust of the process and the experts I have been consulting.

When Mark came home from work that night, his first reaction was, "Wow! That is going to be a lot of work!" Both processes will be. I sat on my test area for almost a week. Simply observing it, wanting to give it time to settle in before deciding what to do with this bare wood. A dear friend could see potential that I couldn't. Her suggestion has become my inspiration.

We aren't alone---not in the stripping process, nor in the rebuilding process.

Change can be scary.

The size of the job ahead can feel overwhelming.

But there is grace available as we allow it to come flooding in,

Especially for those moments when our lives feel like they have been earthquaked through.

I know who I am and Whose I am, and with this firm anchoring, my heart can't stray too far in this process.