A Time to Heal; A Time to Break Down...

Am I the only person who has magical changing scriptures?! :) It amazes me every time when I constantly discover "new" words, verses, or passages during my study time, especially when it's with words that are extremely familiar. It blows my mind that I can read things multiple times right there on the page, yet they are never noticed---let alone absorbed---until I am ready to see them and make use of them...like these verses that recently jumped off the page and into my heart and mind.

Having just gone through a season of "a time to break down," and now stepping more fully into this season of "a time to heal...and a time to build up," I so needed these words!!! To me, they felt like permission to be where I am and that there is purpose in what I have and am passing through. It's my Heavenly Father telling me that I'm okay and breaking down is also okay; it is simply part of the process.

I told my Prana Yoga Therapy students a few nights ago that they have the right to feel. Any emotion or feeling is okay. Anything! Rather than trying to suppress or detach from what we are experiencing or letting our emotions completely take us over, we can instead choose to simply allow them. I have learned that it is in the giving space-for-what-I-am-experiencing that makes it possible to move through it...rather than staying stuck or trapped in it when I try to dodge or let my emotions overpower me.

So, I'm extending myself the same right: I have the right to feel broken right now.

I have felt so very broken these past few months. I can allow it to be because I can move through it. Because I can move through it, I know it's only a season of my life and not forever.

At first, I felt embarrassment and shame creeping in...hinting that I had somehow "failed" because I finally figured out I struggle with depression. Now I can see that I'm actually a rock star!!! I have faced darkness and hopeless and difficult life experiences---lowest of lows---yet I have been able to come up and out every single time!

I'm taking all of this self discovery and the lessons written on my heart with me, and I'm adding gratitude as I now begin to step into this time of healing and building up from the ashes of breaking down.

I've recently been able to do what I know I need to do with much more ease than before like being 24 days into a consecutive 40 day yoga Sadhana or being back to daily early rising! (No small feat, especially for how low I had been feeling!)

I acknowledge my Savior's grace and strength in my ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other. <3 It's only through Him that I can recenter and recommit again and again. We sometimes can think that what we are facing is too "trivial" or "silly" for Him to care about it. I've learned that is a lie. His grace covers every aspect of living in mortality. He cares about our physical and mental health, not just our spiritual well-being. He cares about our finances and successes. He cares about our worries and fears and inadequacies. He cares about what keeps us up at night. :) And His grace covers ALL of it! I have been privileged to experience and learn that on a deeper level these past few months; I wouldn't trade what I have learned for an easy path.

I'm thankful that my struggle and daily battle is no longer in searching to know what I need to, especially on dark days, like it was years ago. Instead, it's in the actual doing itself. It's still hard, but at least it now feels simple to me. Even though I don't want to on dark days, I know I still need to be on my knees, in my scriptures, on my yoga mat, sometimes in the temple, really tuned into myself from moment to moment, etc. I know I need to get up with my alarm, turn the cold water on, eat well, take my vitamins, get to bed (and do my best to clear my mind on sleepless nights so I can find sleep), :) etc. I know what (and Who) keeps me in a good place and buoys me up through the darkness. I'm so grateful that *this* is my battle instead of the wrestle of searching for Light or to establish patterns that I can count on when it feels like my spiritual eyes are closed and my senses are dulled. I already know because I have come to know! <3... and I am so thankful for that knowledge born from previous experiences... because it makes it so much more clear on what I need to do as I continue to heal.

I'm thankful that I spoke up and reached out for extra help and support. Mark and the kids have been amazing!!! My presidency and our Stake Presidency have been wonderful! Dear friends have reached and encouraged! I have jumped head first into new help, resources, and support. I'm so grateful to feel like I have everything I need in order to move forward and work through this. I am hopeful that I will continue to peel back new and deeper layers of healing through these efforts and changes.

After the experiences of recent months, I acknowledge that Mark and I have talked seriously. If there is ever a point that I can no longer muster the strength to do what I know I need to do, we would get additional help. For now, I will allow for grace as I keep stepping further and further into this season of healing and building up, knowing that my little family, so many others, and my Heavenly Parents and my Savior love me personally.

Although there are times to break down and I have felt very broken lately, it doesn't mean that I am broken. I can accept where I am in my process and love myself for the courageous woman that I am. <3 I can see the gifts these experiences have given me, and I am grateful for these seasons in my life!!!