All is well

We had planned to share this letter and the beautiful picture Sennika proudly took to announce our pregnancy whenever we were ready. Instead, I’ve been spotting for a few days. I was told in a priesthood blessing tonight that we are losing this little one.

Oh! How I wish going to the temple was an option right now!!! Instead, I get to be with God on midnight walks in the rain and in secret prayer (as secret as secret prayer can be with a house full of joyful noise.😆)

We have so much peace with the choices we have made. We have so much peace as life continues to unfold.

Who I am doesn’t change with the number of children I have (or don’t have). Passing through heartache doesn’t mean it happens because I’m a bad person or my faith is lacking.

I know who I am.

I know I am so very loved and known.

I have stepped forward in faith and trust to carry this little one. Now it’s my turn to be carried. 💗

We know all is well and is exactly as it should be!

To my little one:

Some people may not understand this. Some people may even be upset about it. But such is life and many experiences we have here on this earth. We need to be who we need to be and do what must be done, even when it isn’t encouraged or supported by those here on earth.

There are jokes right now about “Cornavirus babies.” Dad I and want you to know your aren’t one.

You were consciously conceived! You were conceived in love! And it was so very on purpose!

You are the most intentional decision Dad and I have ever made; you are the biggest leap of faith we have ever taken. For years, we have prayerfully pleaded and carefully prepared for you.

I will admit, although we knew you were coming soon, we weren’t expecting you SO SOON. But it didn’t take long to be reminded that God’s timing is always better.

It feels like God stopped the whole world “just for us” to have this special time together of stillness and re-centering….this invitation for me to go inward and listen to my body and connect with you.

The timing couldn’t have been better! This month I’ve had all the sleep, rest, and time to prepare healthy foods I’ve needed. I’ve been able to {be} and drop the rush to do. I am so grateful we followed the voices of our souls and welcomed you sooner than we had originally planned.

I will also admit, there are moments of uncertainty and fear. I’m teaching you about those moments as they come so you can understand.

I’m not only doing my best to keep your home, my beautiful body, healthy and safe in light of current world events, but I’ve also done all I could (and will continue) to make the necessary changes in order to carry you.

We have been led down a long path for almost 6 years. Many times it’s felt like it was leading us the wrong way. So many doors that seemed so right have ended up closing. But now I see it! Adoption, stepping back into the professional world, traveling all across the country, teaching others…little by little has given us the next step and the next. It HAS been the right path all along to bring you into our family.

Yes, there probably are some people who won’t be happy to hear about you, but we want you to know there are so many people who will hear about you and cheer with us!!! You are loved by so many, and everyone will pray you here!!!

We have created communities for us and our family to continue to lean on through this. We have a support team ready to help and encourage us no matter what happens: our midwife, our OB, our foot zoner, our Ayurvedic counselor, our ward and stake family, our family and countless friends, all of my yoga communities…and never forget that we walk with God. We have angels and ancestors who have gone before us. We have our Savior and His grace.

Know with confidence there is love and help in Heaven and on earth. We will continue to have everything we need.

Thank you for being you. These years of searching—-everything that has brought us to this point—-has shaped my soul. Because of you, I have learned about my body, my mind, and my spirit. I’ve been able to face my greatest fears and hand them all over to God for His safe keeping.

Because of you, I’ve learned to connect deeper with Him...to touch the empty, potential-laden space of the ethers to first create spiritually, then create on a physical plane—not only new life inside of me, but also my own life. Miracles. Because of the experiences you have given me, I understand. ❤️

Whatever the coming days bring, know that I love you. It’s my prayer and your mother’s blessing that you never forget who you are or your Savior.

All my love,
Mom