After Mark finished up work for the day, we were able to switch who was primary parenting. That gave me what I needed most---uninterrupted time to focus on taking care of myself! As I took a bath, those tears and all the emotions I had shoved down so deeply 9 years ago in order to survive, were ready to surface. I have finally peeled back enough layers and softened enough of the crust that I was ready for them to come up and out. I have learned how to hold myself in such a way that strong emotions can flow through me without overtaking me. I prayed out loud as I rubbed myself off with a towel and got dressed.
I followed my cleansing body cry with a walk to help ground me. I could feel the sunshine and the breeze. I could hear the steady rhythm of my feet on the sidewalk as I intentionally placed one foot after the other onto Mother Earth. I felt the pressure from my fingertips as my thumbs touched: pointer fingers, middle fingers, ring fingers, and pinkies. I held onto my mental mantra during this walking meditation, "Sa Ta Na Ma." I could feel my breath moving in and out of my body, and I was intentionally guiding my breath to move in and out, slowly and deeply through my nose. I was choosing my shape with my chest lifted and my heart continuing to remain open in case any remaining old emotions still wanted to rise to the surface to be witnessed. And as I was fully present with myself...as I was firmly anchored in this present moment, yet also holding space for myself for the past, I realized, I actually wasn't walking alone. <3
And then I realized, the difference between "then" and "now"...I know how to be present in this moment. I couldn't cry those tears 9 years ago because I couldn't hold myself "then" like I can "now." Breath and Earth and sun and wind and my emotions and my body...they were all there "then," too...but I didn't know how to feel them. I was too numb to notice them. I was too distracted and afraid. I also wasn't alone in those moments "then" either. <3 That was another thing too I just didn't know how to feel (yet).
As I returned to my home, the grass in my backyard became my yoga mat. I moved and breathed to the Christian rock music I adore :) as it blasted from my earbuds. I gave my wonderful body and mind a gentle third chance for these heavy things from the past to flow through me. I eventually settled into child's pose...breathing in the smells of grass, earth, and my own sweat as I allowed Mother Earth to hold me. Tears of gratitude slipped down my cheeks. I am so very thankful for tools! I am so very thankful for my Savior's sustaining grace! I am so very thankful to no longer be stuck reliving the past...I'm thankful healing is possible!!!
Sometimes we think we can reach the outcomes we desire without paying the required price...we naively assume we are somehow missing a shortcut or "the" quick solution of THE magic bullet. It doesn't work that way. We each are invited to explore the depths of own personally tailored journey---of hard work. We see people who already have what we want, and we assume they have "arrived..." but we never fully "arrive"---It thrills my hungry mind to know that we won't even fully "arrive" for a long time in the next life either! <3 Sometimes, we do make life harder than it needs to be, but the rest of the time :) it's a process. It takes continual effort. We fall down...again. We discover more of our past needing to be healed. We are effected by others' choices, and can see how it's actually an invitation to do more of our own inward work. We need to learn to listen inward and outward and Upward...and then it's time to fine tune it even more---again and again. We learn to let go and come back to ourselves and God, then our eyes are opened to see there is more to let go of, which sends us back to ourselves and God, opening our eyes further, etc. In short, this process requires a complete overhaul of our heart!!!...and that isn't a one-size-fits-all thing nor a quick or easy thing. It is a simple thing, yes.
I am not afraid to share the hard work, sweat, tears, and mistakes that have been part of my own personal process! I will keep talking about the intentional daily efforts that have shaped me (and also continue to help me as I keep learning and growing). I'm so far from perfect, yet because of Jesus Christ, I'm also not who I once was!!! I can't let you see the wonder of God in my life or Jesus Christ's power without also letting you see my humanness. In recent years, I've finally become willing to take that required "risk" in order to let you rejoice with me. It's all been in hopes that you might have a similar realization like I had once others let me see all of them too. YOU can turn and have YOUR own experience! YOU can find yourself and YOUR Savior! I have learned in recent years that we help one another by stepping out into the Light. This work can't be done alone and in the dark. I want to be part of the Light and I want that for YOU, too!
Mark was also able to listen to the interview last night. We wept together as he too remembered things he had almost forgotten. We were both surprised to realize Mark heard parts of how I felt that he hadn't experienced before last night. Last night, we held each other and cried the tears we couldn't cry together 9 years ago.<3 <3 <3
This is the first time I've shared my story with a betrayal trauma targeted audience, so I knew I could go deeper than a general audience would be capable of holding. Mark and I had talked beforehand about the things I anticipated likely to be said in this interview, but man! It was still hard yesterday for both of us!..this joyful, blessed, connected, and steady life we presently have can make it (thankfully) easy to forget just how very dark it became through that awful time. Because of how tightly addiction clutches onto us, Mark literally wasn't "himself" at the peak of addiction. Hearing me share in these new ways was painful for him! Mark wasn't in a place where he was capable of fully seeing me 9 years ago, and he is ready to fully see me now. He genuinely cherishes me today. Sometimes the remorse from the mistakes of our past hurt so deeply!!! With tears streaming down his cheeks, he apologized repeatedly and asked me many questions wanting to understand. It reminded me of "The Hunger Games" when Peeta has to ask Katniss in order to verify the truthfulness of reality. "True or False?" He would ask, and so did Mark. "How did we..." "Why did..." "What was..." Slowly, slowly in this sacred place that has become reliable for us as a couple---a beautiful relationship of openness, truth, and genuine love for both ourselves and each other---we were both safe and both fully seen last night...An experience we weren't capable of having 9 years ago.
Our painful discussion and tears eventually turned to words and tears of joy and gratitude! We soaked up the wonder of it all as if for the first time. That really was our life "then;" this really is our life "now!!!" So many people on both sides of the veil have helped to carry us from "then" to "now." Yes, our lives were once dark and heavy, but our lives are now filled with light and joy!
Remembering these things yesterday has us committing afresh. We will continue talking about it with others. We will continue to be willing to connect people with resources and hope. What if one day it could be possible for nobody to sit in this darkness alone (unless they intentionally choose that)?
Until then, we will continue to work through the impacts of these "vulnerability hang overs" :) and accept the invitations they are to allow our painful pasts to be healed more fully. It is so very worth it and is such a tiny price to pay! It is truly a privilege to accomplish much goodness in this life---together as a couple and together with the other people who care, too.
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