Betrayal Trauma II

"Devastated"
I think I am finally on the move with my book again; however, I believe it needs to go a different direction and will catch a broader audience. No promises or details just yet; however, this is a chapter from my manuscript that I didn't want to lose as I shift gears with my message. How fitting to share this now as it was one year ago today that Mark & I decided to go public about betrayal trauma. <3 Since my last post on betrayal trauma: I wrote my 200+ page manuscript; it required countless hours of research and soul-searching about my own healing journey. I am inches away from being a certified yoga instructor having trained with an teacher who has worked with hundreds of women experiencing betrayal trauma using yoga therapy. I have started my training in QNRT (Quantum Neuro Reset Therapy---a protocol based in the emerging branch of the medical field called Quantum Neurobiology that, in a nutshell, releases trauma by resetting the brain and the nervous system). I am grateful for the opportunity to revisit this topic with additional insight, training, and experiences to hopefully articulate it more clearly and thoroughly than ever before!
Finally Feeling Again
I didn’t know it was possible for that much rage to be inside one body.  Quite frankly, it frightened me because that body was mine. I spent most of my waking hours with my jaw and my fists clenched tightly and tears constantly streaming down my face.  That was how I was spending about 12 hours of the day because I was usually sleeping for the remaining 12. I was a complete wreck!  It had been almost 2 years since my husband had disclosed his relapse into sex addiction and pornography. Although I had previous experience with addressing my trauma and triggers, I had never dealt with them en masse like this.
I believe my mind automatically knew what I needed in order to survive this tragedy in the immediate aftermath.  I had to shelf it all and put my feelings aside for a time. My feelings had to be frozen in order to get my family moving towards healing. It had not been safe for me to fall apart previously.  I had been holding my husband and children together. Through it all, I had been the stable one---the steady one.
It wasn’t until my husband had demonstrated enough consistent sobriety and the beginnings of recovery, and, additionally, enough consistent safety, that I could crack open and begin to break.  Now two years later as I began to fall apart, the floodgates opened wide.
For the first time I felt the full extent of the anger, the hate, the rage, and resentment.  For the first time, the full brunt of pain from the betrayal hit me in waves that threatened to drown me.  Additionally, I realized I was also feeling grief for the huge changes this brought to my foreseeable future.
I did not know it was possible to feel such powerful emotions to the depths that I was experiencing them.  Rather than stuffing them all back down again, I allowed these emotions to surface and wash over me. I leaned into what I was feeling and allowed these big feelings to simply be. Like the first early signs of spring created by tiny drops of water on the ice and snow, I too began to thaw. I was feeling for the first time in 2 years!  Oozing feelings is a more accurate description of my experience.
What is Betrayal Trauma?
I was fortunate to pass through this heavy time as gracefully as possible.  Picture a giraffe on roller skates and you are knocking on the door of how it probably looked from the outside!  We had been through the first two segments of a group counseling program and had been well-educated about addiction and betrayal trauma.  Additionally in those 2 years, I had been trained with other tools and technologies involving the body and the mind. I had an arsenal of resources to draw upon.  Last but not least, I had been well-taught about Jesus Christ and His grace. Although I was not as experienced back then as I am now when I encounter trauma and triggers, I knew enough to add Christ’s healing power to my survival kit, too.
I knew by name was I was experiencing: betrayal trauma.  Not every woman experiences betrayal trauma quite like I did.  Some women have it show up immediately or shortly after they discover their husband’s infidelity.  Yes, it can show up as rage or grief, but it can also come as a deep depression, a fog, or even protective shock, that settles upon a woman (see Michelle D. Mays, The Aftermath of Betrayal, 9).  This haze can be to the point that a woman cannot focus or function in even normal, everyday tasks. 71% of partners experiencing sexual betrayal “demonstrate a severe level of functional impairment in major areas of life after the discovery of infidelity” (Michelle D. Mays, The Aftermath of Betrayal, 13). Day-to-day living suddenly becomes more challenging for the vast majority of betrayed individuals.     
It may also show up like it did for me where one moment I was fine, but then the next I was suddenly not fine.  Without obvious explanation, I would be thrown into fear, panic, tears, and pain that would quickly escalate to my resorting to crazy or controlling behaviors or actions that didn’t make sense to me at first glance.  I didn’t feel like I could leave the house or interact with others because I felt so volatile. I honestly couldn't accurately predict what I would do next. Anything could set off the intense crying or anger bouts, and in my fragile state, I didn’t feel like I could risk the unpredictability of life outside of my own home.
There are so many ways that betrayal trauma can show up in a woman’s life.  Here is a general summary of physical, emotional, or mental symptoms the betrayed may
experience as a result of the trauma as well as common actions or behaviors in response to it:   


Nervousness
Nausea
Anxiety attacks
Stuffed Emotions
Depression
Bursts of Anger
Constantly checking internet history
Purposely do things to hurt the other
Withhold[ing] love and affection
Withhold[ing] sexual intimacy
Feelings of low self-worth
Body image problems
Nightmares
Racing thoughts
Shaking uncontrollably
Excessive sleeping
Ignoring
Throws[ing] themselves into caring for children*
Pretending there isn’t a problem
Mak[ing] unrealistic demands/controlling
Name calling or hateful remarks
Throw[ing] themselves into a hobby*
Throwing objects
Physical abuse
Emotional abuse/manipulation
"Feeling [as if] they’ve gone crazy. This often happens when an addicted spouse won’t admit they have a problem and the other spouse is seeing the signs.
“*Remember that caring for one’s children or having a hobby isn’t a bad thing. Obviously, caring for children is necessary. It’s important to have great coping mechanisms and necessary for reducing stress, finding joy and moving forward. However, it can be a problem if one is using these things as a means to run away from the problem and not face it at all” (from the blog post HERE)
It’s important to study this topic and figure out how it looks for you as an individual.  It is that important to your journey as the wife of a pornography or sex addict. There are an increasing number of resources becoming available about betrayal trauma. Even just knowing it by name and roughly how it can show up will hopefully be validating and empowering to you.  I invite you to spend some study time on your own researching this topic and becoming educated in what betrayal trauma means for your own healing.  But let’s take a few moments to point out a few things preliminarily here.


Co-dependence vs. Trauma Model of Treatment
Wives of sex addicts have been treated by professionals for about 50 years; however, it has been only in the past decade that a completely different model of treatment has been introduced and slowly recognized (see “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse” 23-24). Women were automatically labeled as having their own addiction as “co-dependents,” or “co-addicts.”  Basically, as professionals tried to make sense of why these wives were doing extreme things such as stalking or policing their husbands in various forms, having unheard-of-rage towards their husbands, or unable to stop obsessing over them, they concluded that these wives must be addicted to their husbands.  Professionals thought that women needed to be taught to “mind their own business,” so to speak.  Women were taught that the reason they found themselves in this marriage dynamic in the first place was because they were purposely seeking out such men to feed their own “addictions.”  Yikes!
Now, before we go any further, let me acknowledge that some women do fit this bill; however, it’s important to understand that not every woman does.  I benefitted from learning about the topics related to codependency.  They have been part of my own healing. Each wife absolutely needs to decide what she is going to do from the point she discovers the addiction.  If she chooses healing/recovery work, she needs to learn that although she can set boundaries for her own safety and needs, her husband’s choices and recovery are both out of her hands.
But what isn’t being addressed within the co-dependent model of treatment is the trauma.  I mentioned a change in treatment about a decade ago.  This change came from the research that spoke for itself.  When compared to people who had been through trauma and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), it all made sense.  These women were not necessarily addicted to their husbands! These crazy and controlling behaviors and actions could also stem from trauma.  The best way to determine if it is co-dependence or trauma is to look at the motive. Is a woman seeking the truth in order to protect herself? Is she trying to keep herself safe by preventing further hurt to herself?  If the answers are yes, she is most likely acting because of trauma. If her controlling actions or behaviors are motivated out of the desire to boost her own power over others, then it would most likely be co-dependence. (Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, 73).  
We all experience traumatic events in our lives.  None of us pass through this mortal life unscathed by at least minor trauma.  Betrayal trauma; however, refers to those traumatic events that happen within primary relationships. It is possible to experience betrayal trauma in other relationships or experiences besides the sexual betrayal of a spouse, but for this post, we are referring to the sexual betrayal of a partner or spouse.
Betrayal trauma presents unique challenges compared to general trauma.  It is those individuals we should be able to turn to for safety, protection, love, commitment, and support who are actually the ones who have hurt us. That duality of the situation is more than the brain can work out: the same person I want to turn to for safety is the reason I am needing safety!
Also, in many situations, the victim still lives with the person who continues to hurt them!  In the context of sexual betrayal, this can manifest in several ways: slips, relapses, the disclosure trickling out over time, lies or half truths, and previous trauma being triggered by present interactions. We are trying to heal while still living with the person who not only has hurt us, but continues to hurt us.
I recently read a quote on Instagram that jumped out at me.  It went something like this: “Trauma is the only mental health issue based on reality.”  The tricky part about betrayal trauma is that even though in the present moment, a woman's husband has a few months of sobriety, is making consistent changes, and attending recovery meetings or groups and counseling, there was a time in the past that he was bingeing on his addiction.  Even though, in this moment, he might be completely honest with her, there were times where he lied---and not just lied, but looked her in the eyes while he did it! It’s important to note that 57% of individuals surveyed by Dr. Skinner reported that the offending spouse lied to them with eye contact all of the time with an alarming 84% reporting lying with eye contact at least half of the time. (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, PAGE # needed here).
Can you see that if a woman is going along in her day and has any number of things that remind her of the past or casts fear for the future (we call this a trigger), she would automatically react to protect herself?  When a woman is in trauma, her body responds to keep her safe. She has changes to her entire system at a physiological level, just like any person does, when there is a perceived threat!
This not only affects her body in general to prepare her to be able to fight, flight, or freeze, (such as increased heart rate) but there are also changes to the brain and nervous system in such moments.  The focus shifts from what is rational to shunting all brain power to merely keep a person alive.  A person is no longer has online the part of the brain that would execute higher levels of thinking. It's now about reaction and basic survival---logic is out the window.
The brain, nervous system, and body in general are rewired by traumatic events. Because of the amount of pain, as well as the other emotions and physical responses women experience upon finding out about the addiction, the brain has created a "new file" that it has labeled as "threat." In the future, anything that would come even remotely close to reliving those experiences again are immediately flagged by the brain as dangerous. We never want to go through that again.  So our brains and our bodies are going to do everything they can to protect us. Hence the immediate take over by the brain, nervous system, and body when we encounter an unresolved a trigger.
It make sense that we might put a GPS tracker on our husband's phone without telling him. We won’t be blindsided by the lies of where he has been any more. Can you see why we would read his texts, e-mail, journals and check his internet history if we have been lied to over and over again?  Do you see why those behaviors or actions that don’t make sense even to us, actually have a purpose and it's to keep us safe? They are our attempts to prevent infidelity from ever, ever happening to us again.
A trauma model simply makes sense when safety is our motive. It not only makes sense, but it is what will bring the changes and healing rather than shutting us down and stuffing her into a co-dependent model!  When we understand that it is trauma we have/are experiencing, the trauma has the potential to be validated and addressed. As the trauma is validated and safety is in place, we can then be empowered to do something about our situation and begin to work our own healing process.  The trauma must be addressed first, or at least concurrently, for most women to be able to tolerate solutions or resources being thrown at them in a way that will actually stick.


Beyond Comprehension
In addition to recognizing that the notoriously confusing, crazy, or controlling behaviors and surprisingly strong emotional reactions that wives of sex addicts are exhibiting stem from trauma, there is still more to discuss in order to begin to understand betrayal trauma. After making sense of an event, the brain works by filing away the experience with what it decides are other similar experiences.  By way of simplification, the brain has its own version of a complex filing system. This is important because when information needs to be referenced in order to make a judgement call about something, the entire file can simply be extracted and the conclusion of those sum total experiences together can be relied upon rather than going through the experiences one by one (see Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 141).  
At the time of disclosure, a woman's file labeled “husband” had something significant happen to it. The damage is beyond the expression of words.  What may have previously been associated with things like “safe,” “honest,” “faithful,” etc. has now been completely undermined. This is called Reality Fragmentation.  “Reality Fragmentation is when you discover that the reality you thought you were living is a fiction. Instead, you have been living in an entirely separate reality, but you didn’t know it” (Michelle D. Mays, The Aftermath of Betrayal, 2).
A woman is left not only questioning what had once been a sound narrative of her relationship and life with her husband, but her brain may also begin the fearful searching process of other files as well.  Suddenly she doesn’t know what is true anymore or who she can trust. Dr. Kevin Skinner said, “The loss of trust in people as a whole is one of the most disturbing consequences of sexual betrayal. What used to be known, no longer is, and the brain has to learn how to reorient itself so that it doesn’t have to question every aspect of life” (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 142).

Betrayal Trauma Mirrors PTSD
Betrayal trauma is more than that, though.  Women are not just recalling the memories of D-Day ("Discovery Day," or the day a woman discovers the addition) or other painful experiences.  They are literally reliving them over and over again as their minds try to desperately work out these details. It was only in 2006 that the first study was conducted examining sexual betrayal and PTSD.  The findings were undeniable. “...70 percent of the women met the symptomatic criteria for PTSD in response to the disclosure of sexual addiction. This is not to say that they have PTSD, but that the level of symptoms is consistent with those in someone exposed to a natural disaster or sexual assault who went on to develop PTSD as a result of the event.  To [the woman who conducted the study], that is significant information for the spouse and for those who seek to help him or her heal” (Steffens & Means, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, 62).
Dr. Kevin Skinner found similar results from his assessments, concluding that nearly 70% of those surveyed met most of the PTSD criteria; however, in his assessment, he asked the participants about the specific components of PTSD individually (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 7).  In a moment, I will share a portion of his startling conclusions. I strongly suggest you consider reading his book for more of his findings and his expertise in the healing and integration process. First, let’s explain what PTSD is.
I have been throwing PTSD around in this post.  Do you know what that means? PTSD stand for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I was only vaguely aware of it before betrayal trauma came into my life. I have spoken with family members of war veterans as they share heart-breaking experiences once their soldiers are back home.  They share things such as life-like and intense nightmares, always scanning the surroundings for potentials threats, and being fine one moment, then suddenly having panic attacks.  Even though the soldiers are back home and in the present moment they are safe, something sets them off to immediately relive the heat of the battle (mentally). Because of the horrors of war they have witnessed and experienced, they are literally reliving it all over again.  They are constantly on alert for the next potential threat.
When I began to understand betrayal trauma and how it mirrors PTSD, I felt validated.  Just like these brave men and women who have risked their lives on the battle fronts, I too had moments that I was back reliving some of the darkest and fearful memories of my life.  I wasn’t crazy!  What was happening to me was real and it was finally explainable!  
I want to pause for a moment and make it clear that PTSD is a serious mental health issue. It requires a qualified professional to diagnose an individual.  This post is not intended to offer such a diagnostic tool for individuals. Please consult a qualified professional if you believe you may be suffering from these symptoms.  All 5 criteria must be met, again, a qualified professional will determine this. For a women who experiences some of these symptoms, but not all of them, she is said to be experiencing “Post Traumatic Stress.”  


Listen to these 5 components of PTSD from the DSM-5 mental health diagnosis manual:

  1. Life threatening experiences
  2. Reliving the events
  3. Avoidance
  4. Mood and Cognitions
  5. Emotional arousal


If one of these five aspects is missing in order to diagnose a spouse, it is typically the first one.  Sadly, there are women who experience it directly through abuse or threatened abuse from their partner. Others qualify through the exposure, or fear of exposure, to Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD’s).
In regards to reliving the traumatic events, 76% of participants have a difficult time thinking about other things besides the betrayal at least half of the time (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 30).  Reliving can happen in our sleeping hours, too, in disturbing dreams or nightmares.  Just like in the daytime, the mind plays and replays the details over and over trying to make sense of it.
Avoidance can manifest in turning away from activities, relationships, or places that once were enjoyable because they are no longer comfortable.  This is reflected in the 77% of those surveyed agreeing that it is difficult to do those things they used to love at least half of the time (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 31).
Kevin Skinner explains the mood and cognitions component by saying, “There are an infinite number of feelings and self-beliefs that manifest in this area.  Examples of these include isolation from others, markedly diminished interest in activities, or a distorted sense of self” (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 33). 78% of partners reported feeling responsible for the betrayal at least half of the time (with almost 1 in 3 always feeling responsible) (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 34). 69% have the impression that they do not belong in social settings at least half of the time (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 35). Betrayal trauma can create negative cognitions (or beliefs) as well as negative moods.
The emotional arousal and reactivity was the component of PTSD I was most familiar with.  Because of the betrayal trauma, a wife can have a lower threshold to future potential threats.  When that threshold is surpassed, her brain and body throw her into fight/flight/freeze mode to protect her. She may appear unnecessarily jumpy or hyper vigilant (constantly scanning her surroundings for potential danger). 87% said that at least half of the time they are constantly monitoring the partner’s behaviors with 46% always monitoring (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 38).  Women may worry about reading their husbands' emotions in order to stay ahead of the game and detect any threats.  
Like I mentioned before, this hyper vigilance can spill over into night time.  This is reflected in the finding of 73% of individuals reporting difficulty falling asleep at least half of the time with 21% always struggling (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 36).  Getting stuck in anger can be a challenge common to those dealing with betrayal trauma. 87% say that they react to their partner with anger at least half of the time (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 37). Anger is associated with being in fight mode.  As a person continues in fight/flight/freeze mode for long periods of time and/or over extended periods of time, it can be wearing on a person’s body and mind.  
The mind may have challenges with slowing itself down because it is not given opportunities to rest.  This wearing on the mind can lead to depression and anxiety. “Nearly 50% of those who completed the survey reported that they had been clinically diagnosed with depression while 45% reported an anxiety diagnosis...Nearly one-half of those diagnosed with depression are also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder” (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 164). Anxiety and depression are associated with higher risks of suicide. Alarmingly 60% of partners admit to suicidal thoughts at least once since D-Day (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 39).


Increased Trauma
Although no two individuals will experience betrayal trauma the same, there are certain aspects of a person’s life details that may increase the amount of trauma experienced from the betrayal.  The trauma may be increased with the following:


*Number of years a couple has been married without the partner knowing about the addiction (Steffens & Means, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, 59)

*Previous history of traumatic events earlier in life (Steffens & Means, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, 60)

*The types of activities the spouse is engaging in (increased trauma with increased risky or erotic behaviors; however, please know that pornography and masturbation can create betrayal trauma as well.  Trauma is trauma and there is no trauma “too small” to be worth validating and acknowledging) (Steffens & Means, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, 60)

*How the addiction was disclosed (Did he choose to tell her or did he have what is called a forced disclosure where either her discovery or some other outside force made him disclose?  Did it trickle out over time? The ideal disclosure is one that has been prepared for by both spouses: the addict is prepared for her response and questions as well as can see the patterns and how the addiction fits into a narrative of his life, rather than vomiting one or a handful of ways he has been acting out.  The betrayed prepares by getting a support team in place as well as ways to heal and take care of herself as she processes the details of the disclosure. See Skinner’s book page 66-76 for more information) (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 60).

*The addict’s use of denial, deception, blame, and gaslighting (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 47-49).

*Relapses or slips (it can re traumatizes her)

*Freezing and doesn’t speak up, perceived as consent (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 61---learned helplesness, 114).


Even though one woman may have only been married for a few years before she discovered the infidelity, her trauma levels may be as high as another woman who has had the addiction go undetected for 3 decades.  It could be because the first woman has other traumatic events from her past. Another woman’s husband may have used solely pornography to act out with; however, he used denial, deception, blame, and gaslighting.  Her trauma may be as high as another woman’s trauma from her husband having an unknown number of prostitute partners. The point of these scenarios is that all trauma is worthy of our compassion and validation.
There is no way to accurately measure or compare trauma levels; however, Dr. Kevin Skinner has set up an impressive tool to support you in coming as close to measuring your trauma as possible.  You can take a free trauma assessment at www.discoverandchange.com/tipsa.  This assessment will generate a result of “low,” “low-moderate,” “moderate,” “moderate-high,” or “elevated” for each one of the 5 areas of PTSD listed previously.  
A moderate result simply reflects that a person is experiencing the common symptoms of trauma whereas lower or higher than moderate demonstrates experiencing fewer or more symptoms than the other participants.  Consider seeing a qualified therapist who understands trauma with scoring “moderate-high” in two or more areas. One area of “elevated” means a person should seek out qualified professional help (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 41).


Require a Plan
No matter the details that have brought you to read this post today, please know that as the wife of a pornography or sex addict, your situation needs to be acknowledged and addressed. That will look different for each one of us. Listen to how powerfully it is stated in Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, “...in all cases, confronting the addiction and requiring a plan for help provides the least selfish option available to the partner of a sex addict” (Steffens & Means, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, 59).
You need to prayerfully come up with some sort of a plan for healing.  Some women have it confirmed strongly right away whether they need to fight for their marriages or it’s time to walk away from it.  Others don’t feel strongly either way. Rhyll Croshaw offers insight into such a case by suggesting that one hold off on any major decision for at least one year (Croshaw, What Can I Do About Me?)
For those who are open-minded to salvaging the marriage, taking proven action steps is imperative.  Those action steps need to include a healing plan for your physical, mental, and spiritual self.  This is the basis for my 200+ page manuscript and it's a bit deflating to sum all of that up in a simple blog post. :) In a nutshell, all 3 areas have been impacted by trauma and so in order to heal, all 3 areas need to be addressed. It's tricky because they are all technically separate, yet the 3 are so intertwined with each other. You can't truly pull them apart from each other, but I will do my best to give a basic overview of each in relation to trauma healing.
Physically
In addition to a personally tailored self care plan for physical health (such as eating well, sleeping well, exercise, etc.), below are a few additional healing tools that have been linked to betrayal trauma healing. Again, remember that the body has been effected by trauma, especially the nervous system and the brain. Seriously consider the following by researching and experience: yoga, EMDR (but I like QNRT much better), guided imagery, meditation (anything that encourages mindfulness. My definition of mindfulness is being present to this moment. Can you see the value in a mindfulness practice for trauma victims who have so many tugs from the past and fears for the future? Mindfulness is an invitation to stay in the present and practicing it increases the ability to stay in the present longer next time.) All of these tools or practices develop the neuropathways, or the nerve cell highways that the thoughts travel down in the brain, to be rerouted to positive and new destinations. Our bodies are constantly speaking to us, but have we learned to listen yet? We can learn so much from learning to listen. They can not only tell us what we need in order to care for them properly physically, but they can also offer the gateway to understanding ourselves on a deeper level. Our bodies help us to feel and think. Have you stopped to notice that before? What happens in your body when you experience strong emotions such as anger or even joy? What happens to your body when you receive inspiration (note: for some people, that may be more of a "in the head" experience, such as with a flood of inspired ideas). As we become aware of our bodies and the best ways to personally work with them, there is also the potential for release from the ways body tissues have been effected by or have stored the trauma. The breath is the gateway to the subconscious mind. As we work with the breath, we are easily entering the realm of mental/emotional healing. As we work with the nervous system, we are also doing the same. (The list I threw out will not only help with physical healing, but can also open the door to mental/emotional healing, as well as spiritual healing, too, because of how interrelated our bodies, minds, and spirits are to each other).
Spiritually
This can be so tough because the trauma seeps into faith for many women. It can even result in a faith crisis in the aftermath. There were times where I felt abandoned by God. Looking back, I can see so clearly that I never was for a moment; however, feeling abandoned or other effects to a woman's spirituality can be a real struggle after betrayal trauma. Seek the counsel of your bishop (and stake president).  Although most bishops cannot offer the same kind of advice a professional therapist can, they are is still available for your spiritual counsel and support. Don’t underestimate the ways God can work through your bishop to help support and guide you in this critical time (see Pre. Eyring, The Lord Leads His Church). I acknowledge that many women are also hurt here and traumatized a second (or more) time(s) as they reach out for help. Although I can't change this single-handily, I am doing everything within my power and circle of influence to help and support other women in these ways. I would invite you to do the same. Sometimes our leaders learn alongside of us. Again, I acknowledge the painful experiences many women have in reaching out, but I don't feel it's fair to stereotype or belittle our priesthood leaders. Let's be part of the solution. (You can visit my blog post or blog page if you want more ideas on how God needs YOU to help here).
This is another basis for my 200+ page book, but how can we navigate through this healing process in regards to the Atonement? Does the Atonement cover betrayal trauma? Yes it does, but we must come to understand how it works for not only betrayal trauma in general, but in our very personal circumstances, pasts, and pains. Christ descended below ALL things (see D&C 88:6, D&C 122:8, Ephesians 4: 9&10). It has been my experience and observation that His descension means there isn't anything we could feel, think, or experience that is somehow beyond the reach of our Savior. Even though I do not fully understand how, I KNOW that we are covered through the ways He lived His perfect life and the resultant gifts from His Atoning sacrifice and the events surrounding it. Covered! 100%! Completely covered! Sometimes in our minds we feel like or think that certain areas of our lives or experiences we have or are going through are somehow an exception to that. But that isn't true. The truth is that whatever we face here in mortality whether it is a result of choices we have made ourselves, another's use of agency effecting our lives, or simply part of living in a fallen world---where people get sick or things just break, etc---we are absolutely and completely covered through Christ. The best way for me to sum up what I learned about my Savior through betrayal trauma is this: although it required pulling in healing from multiple avenues so my physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual needs could be met, the healing ultimately came through Christ. Although we worked with professionals, I don't believe that is where my actual healing happened. It helped to lay out the process and spell out what needed to be addressed; however, the strength to take those steps came through Him. The power to change (or to be changed, actually) came through Him. Learning to abide in Christ's love did more to heal my broken heart than anything. It may be difficult to understand (and I feel it can be difficult to explain). Christ worked through means to reach me. That meant that I was lead to solutions and people that/who could facilitate this process up for me. God speaks to us in ways that we understand (see D&C 90:11: "For it shall come to pass in that day, that every man shall hear the fulness of the gospel in his own tongue, and in his own language" & 2 Nephi 31:3: "For the Lord god giveth light unto the understanding; for he speakers unto men according to their language, unto their understanding"). He meets us where we are at. He reaches our reaching. He isn't going to throw something at us that we cannot comprehend, but He will offer our next right step. For me that means He called to me in many forms, but all were designed to help me ultimately find Him. Again, this is so interrelated. My spiritual health is not separate from my physical or mental/emotional health, but I believe are actually one and the same. (D&C 88: 15 "And the spirit and the body are the soul of man" emphasis added).
Mentally/Emotionally
Our bodies never lie. Healing can happen without us even being aware to the process. Our bodies can be a wonderful way to discover truth; however, I believe there is additional power in bringing things up to the conscious level. As we become aware of our personal patterns and tendencies, I believe it can become easier to make different choices in the future. That doesn't mean we can necessarily control our choices or our bodies (yet), and expecting to heal by simply being aware of ourselves isn't realistic. Again, we don't heal in our own strength and with our own efforts, but as we begin practicing self observation, it helps us to become clear and aware so we can pray and seek for specific help and support in our findings. Traumatic events not only change our bodies and impact our spirituality, but they also effect us mentally and emotionally. We walk away from traumatic events having different beliefs about ourselves, others, and the ways we now believe the world works. Why do we do what we do? It's because of how we feel. Thoughts drive our emotions and beliefs create our thoughts. In order to fully heal from betrayal trauma, we also need a shift in our insights, or a change at the belief level. Otherwise our efforts at the surface level (behavior modification) will not be permanent. We need to discover truth. We must allow the blatant or subtle lies or half-truths to be uprooted and replaced with pure truth.The following are ways I believe we can become consciously aware of our personal programming.
Strongly consider the inclusion of a 12-step program (and/or group of some kind).  The content of the 12-step format has a wonderful track record when the individual works the steps progressively. Many programs include the opportunity to take an inventory of our lives (this isn't the first step, but it is one that is worked towards). The remaining steps is the process of then putting our lives in order after our discoveries. The group dynamic helps us to be held accountable. It can be a great place to find a mentor or sponsor.  A sponsor is someone who is typically farther along in recovery work and has agreed to being available to you as you reach out for support. This can be set up on a regular basis, such as daily check-ins. A sponsor can also help answer questions or support you as you work the 12-step program, be available in times of difficulty or crisis, or can help call you out on non-recovery/healing patterns or behaviors. A good sponsor allows an individual to have their own unique journey and is simply there to facilitate the personal observation and discovery---always pointing to Christ and inward for the answers.
It is in recovery groups that we can find others who have experienced or are experiencing similar journeys.  This gives us the opportunity to have a safe place to share openly rather than carrying the burden privately.  It also means that we can find at least one safe person with whom we can connect. This means we can re-learn how to have trusting relationships again. Plus, it could offer as large of a support system the individual is willing to allow.  
I was fortunate to begin building my support network after 12-step meetings.  At first I would sheepishly approach the individuals I felt drawn to. I watched for those who I could tell by the ways they interacted or what they shared during the meetings that demonstrated they were working their own healing process.  It got to the point that I had built up my support friends to about 5 or so good, solid friends whom I knew I could reach out to day or night. I had reached out to many potential women before, and eventually whittled it down to those 5 or so who I was confident would meet my reaching out with love, a calming influence, and would be a good sounding board.  By having 3-5 support friends, a person ensures that if one friend is unavailable in a moment of need she can still reach out to someone rather than staying stuck in her own thinking.  I was fortunate to have my reaching out be answered by at least one or more friend every time. It took vulnerability to exchange contact information with others, but I have been grateful on countless occasions for such wonderful recovery friends. Building relationships with safe people is vital to our success and healing.  You need to find a way to have at least one person with whom you can be entirely open and completely your unfiltered self.
“Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away” (Dinah Maria Mulock Craik, A Life for a Life)
12-step groups can be support groups.  We can be surrounded with others who may not know us, but can still understand and relate to us.  That support is vital; however, a good 12-step group will offer more than simply support. It will also be a group where recovery & healing behavior is modeled by the group members, individuals are working on and applying the steps and tools between meetings, and there is forward movement collectively.  That doesn’t mean that individuals will never have a bad or challenging week. It simply means that the group is set up in a way that individuals can be taught the principles of recovery & healing rather than staying stuck by validation alone. Even within the same program, each group with have a unique dynamic.  Not every program or group with be the right fit for you.
In addition to studying betrayal trauma further, consider studying about addiction, and, specifically, sex addiction.  Knowing how addiction affects a person by what is going on in the addict’s body or brain can keep you from making addiction personal.  It can help you understand that his addiction isn’t about you, nor is it even about sex. Becoming educated can be an important step in your healing plan.
Seriously consider professional help.  Because of how new the discovery of betrayal trauma is, not every counselor or therapist will know how to best guide you.  Therapists that are CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) will be more likely to be helpful. Some CSAT therapists are also APSATS (Association of Partners of Sexual Addiction Trauma Specialists) certified, meaning they have additional training and certification in betrayal trauma to be able to help women with betrayal trauma specific to spousal sexual betrayal.  Even within CSAT and APSATS therapist, not everyone will be the best fit for you. You have unique needs that not every therapist is experienced in supporting. Even personalities or learning styles are important to consider.  It’s okay to "shop around" until you find someone you feel comfortable and safe working with.
The ultimate goal for healing is being able to integrate the traumatic events.  “Integration is the bringing together of all the parts of your experiences, which allows your mind to begin to make sense of what is happening and what has happened.  The chaos of your life turns into organization, structure, and balance” (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 210). You need to find help and support to be able to process through the trauma in a way that you can be at peace with it.

Boundaries

Another important part of your game plan from here on out is to set boundaries. Anne Wallace says, “As we draw invisible boundary lines, we are not building walls to keep the enemy out.  On the contrary, we keep our lines intact to preserve our relationships! Once we clearly define our boundaries, we begin to communicate openly and directly. And we establish guidelines for what we expect of others, and what we should give them in return.  But if we grow up in homes that don’t function well in terms of communication or understanding or enter into destructive marriages, boundaries are not respected and we become confused, vulnerable, and insecure. We don’t attempt to defend our rights because we don’t realize we have any” (as quoted in Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 113).
Boundaries keep us safe and allow for us to have what we need.  It isn’t about controlling our husbands; it’s about what we as wives need.  The different categories for boundaries include: deal breakers for the marriage, physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, sexual boundaries (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal,115-124).  Boundaries “...provide the kindest, cleanest way to ask for what we need and to take responsibility for good self-care” (Steffens & Means, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, 127).  Steffens & Means suggest starting by figuring out what you need in general as well as  identifying triggers and the boundaries necessary to create safety for them (Steffens & Means, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, 128-131).
You can absolutely ask for whatever you need in order to feel safe. One woman asked her husband to sell his truck because of the constant triggers from the affair that happened inside the vehicle.  Another woman asked to sell their home because of the painful triggers associated with the memories (see Steffens & Means, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, 133-134). Maybe your boundaries will include something like, “I need a home free of all pornography and sexually addictive behaviors.  I need peace in my home,” (Steffens & Means, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, 128) “so if you view pornography or act out then I will ask you to leave.”  
Other women set a boundary around their husband’s recovery work by saying something like, “I will stay in this marriage for one year.  I will give you that time to work your own recovery and will re-evaluate recovery progress at that time.” In both of these example we cannot control what he will do.  He may take that year and do nothing towards recovery; however, that boundary keeps us safe. As we prayerfully consider what boundaries we need for our personal situations, I know God can inspire and encourage us.  In addition to reaching heavenward, we can also reach out to others around us for support as we formulate boundaries: 12-step or group members, loving friend or family members, our therapist, or our bishop. These safe people can be sounding boards as we make steps and progress in understanding, setting, and enforcing boundaries.
If we are staying in a marriage with a sex addict, we will be able to heal better if he is working towards his own recovery.  Sobriety and recovery are not only reasonable expectations, but they are possible (and necessary for you to be able to heal while staying in the marriage).  Kevin Skinner said, “I have observed that couples who do the best in recovery usually do so when both parties are engaged in their own individual healing processes” (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 87, emphasis added).  The husband needs to be committed to his own recovery work by considering 12-step and/or group therapy, working with a sponsor, private counseling, addiction education, working with priesthood leaders, and creating a support system.  We can find ways to create the necessary boundaries for our safety as our husbands are becoming sober and entering into recovery.


Conclusion
Dr. Kevin Skinner asks the following, “...where do you go in times of desperation when everything else fails?”  He emphasizes that we all need such a place, “What it is does not matter; what does matter is identifying for yourself what helps you feel connected, grounded, and most like yourself.  In the end, we all need to find our place of peace. This is where our minds rest and find comfort” (Skinner, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, 220).
I am about to show you that in this “[time] of desperation,” this “place of peace” can be Jesus Christ.  As wives of sex addicts we often refer to hope. But hope in what?  Is it some kind of general or vague hope that we can survive this or that our strength or ability will outlast the marathon run towards recovery?  What if I told you there is something, or someone actually, in whom you can place your entire hope? And as you learn to fully place your hope in Him, He could give you everything you need to have the courage, the sustenance, and the ability to weather through this difficult time in your life.  What if I told you He can fill you with peace regardless of what is happening inside of you or is happening in the circumstances outside of you? His name is the Prince of Peace for a reason.
I believe many hurting hearts naturally gravitate toward this message of hope in Christ, but just aren’t quite sure how to activate it in their own personal circumstances.  This is my message: that Jesus Christ can help us with the details of betrayal trauma, there is grace for betrayal trauma, and through this painful life experience, we can be completely covered through Christ’s Atonement.  We are about to take a journey together to help you see how this can be possible for your own life.
I know this short chapter may not be deep enough in validation, nor may it fully create the safety you will need, but I hope it will be adequate enough that we can switch gears and really start moving forward in our time together.  

THEREFORE WHAT?!


1. Check out the "Resources" page for local (to norther Utah) and online resources as well as a suggested reading list to further your study of betrayal trauma.  There is also a resource list for bishops or ecclesiastical leaders. 
2. Consider the following questions: What is your next right step? How can you act on what you have learned? Where do you need to start? ...Is it further research or study?...Is it committing to some of the suggested resources? What do YOU need to do next to begin your healing journey for your body, your mind, and your spirit? 

***May God bless you as you step into this courageous journey of healing!***

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