Let me tell you two experiences. One is from my childhood, the other as a young mother. When I was in Kindergarten, my teacher had asked for a volunteer to pass out papers to the class. I eagerly raised my hand and was selected for the task. I first went to my desk and set the paper there. My teacher watched my actions and said something like, “Oh no, Katy! We always serve others before we serve ourselves.” This teacher meant well and was probably trying to teach me to be aware of others and to look for ways to show kindness to them. But I took this statement literally. Because of previous programming in my young mind, I was probably one of the worst people to hear this, especially coupled with the public correction in the eyes of all my classmates. I made it my quest from that moment on to do just this. ALWAYS serve others first.
This was the internal programming I had until I was a mother of three small children. I already told you that they were close in age (3 children in 3 years). I tried to serve others first, but because of the demands of many small children, I couldn’t juggle it all. They never could be completely taken care of so I could turn to my own needs. I began to learn to let things go. I would literally pray in the morning for time to read my scriptures and to recognize that special gift of time. Getting up before my family wasn’t an attractive option after being up during the night to feed and care for my baby and sometimes my toddler and preschooler too.
And something amazing happened, I began to learn to take care of myself! I began to realize that I was actually a better mom to these precious children, not to mention a better human being in general, when I had what I needed. I began to realize that quieting the cries of my body and mind made it easier to meet my spiritual needs.
There were plenty of lessons to learn! Even now, 8 years later, I am still making discoveries. But one day something wonderful happened. I caught my daughter, who ironically happened to be a kindergartener at the time, saying something to her younger brothers. “T.C.O.Y,” she said, carefully enunciating every letter. Curious, I asked her what it meant. “It means Take Care Of Yourself, Mom,” was her reply. Apparently, her teacher had taught the class on the very first day of school that we must do whatever we need to take care of ourselves. If we T.C.O.Y, if our own needs are met first, we can give as a completely different instrument to those around us.
Later in our group counseling program T.C.O.Y was further ingrained for my husband and myself. Our counselors taught us to have a “3-legged stool:” to care for ourselves physically, mentally, and spiritually. If it’s only a two legged chair and one leg gets knocked out, we will tip; however, 3 legs gives us a better chance of not being knocked over. When we T.C.O.Y, little bumps are just bumps. They don’t totally derail us.
I found this quote by Sister Bonnie L. Oscarson, and she describes perfectly the point I am trying to make here. “I have often heard my husband talk about his Grandpa Brown, who was a farmer and owned several milk cows. My husband used to watch him as he milked his cows twice a day sitting upon an old three-legged stool. His three-legged stool worked well because all three legs were the same length and gave him the stability and balance necessary to do his work.
“Can you imagine how uncomfortable and unsteady it would have been had one of the legs of that stool been much shorter, much longer, or even missing? He would have been so busy trying to stay upright that he could not possibly have done a proper job of milking that cow. We can compare the three legs of that old stool to our lives and the importance of staying balanced with the many things in life that demand our attention.”
We must take care of ourselves, and do so in a balanced way. We can do it in “wisdom and order” (Mosiah 4:27). As we seek to be filled ourselves, wonderful things can happen! Not only can we survive through times of our own crisis or difficulties, but also our efforts to reach beyond ourselves and be on God’s errand in ministering can be fruitful and meaningful. Listen to what Marion G. Romney said about this idea, “Can we see how critical self-reliance becomes when looked upon as the prerequisite to service, when we also know service is what godhood is all about? Without self-reliance one cannot exercise these innate desires to serve. How can we give if there is nothing there? Food for the hungry cannot come from empty shelves. Money to assist the needy cannot come from an empty purse. Support and understanding cannot come from the emotionally starved. Teaching cannot come from the unlearned. And most important of all, spiritual guidance cannot come from the spiritually weak.
“There is an interdependence between those who have and those who have not. The process of giving exalts the poor and humbles the rich. In the process, both are sanctified. The poor, released from the bondage and limitations of poverty, are enabled as free men to rise to their full potential, both temporally and spiritually. The rich, by imparting of their surplus, participate in the eternal principle of giving. Once a person has been made whole, or self-reliant, he reaches out to aid others, and the cycle repeats itself.”
Can you see what he is talking about? If you felt like you needed permission to take care of yourself, here it is! I know it felt really backward for me when I first considered this new idea. I already wasn’t getting everything accomplished that I thought needed to be done! How in the world could I add more to my “to do” list? The counter-truths of, “It’s selfish to take care of myself,” “Always serve others before myself,” or whatever else you may have rolling around in your mind along these lines may feel more comfortable. Just because something is comfortable doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true.:) We will visit that thought deeper in the next chapter. In God’s truth, when we take the time to be filled, we actually have something to offer our families, friends, ward members, other loved-ones, and even strangers rather than our “leftovers.” It may be a great time for you to consider to whittling down to the absolute basics. Taking care of yourself and your needs completely falls into those terms!
In our group counseling program, we learned the acronym H.A.L.T. It stands for
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired (or thirsty)
There is also another acronym B.L.A.S.T.
Bored
Lonely
Angry
Stressed
Tired (Thirsty)
These acronyms stand as reminders to those times a person may be more prone to fall into temptations from a spiritual standpoint and not as nice a human being in general. Think about it. When are you more likely to be a pleasant person to be around, less likely to snap or react, or feeling your strongest: when you are completely exhausted or first thing in the morning after a good night's rest? I acknowledge that these acronyms also have emotional or mental aspects as well, but starting getting honest with yourself about how you are caring for your body.
Why would we purposely set ourselves up for failure? Why would we think we could skip lunch or stay up all night studying or caring for sick children and expect to function at our optimal best? One cool thing to acknowledge is that once a month we have the opportunity to go without food or water for 24 hours. What great practice to be “happy under every circumstance!” (President Nelson). Most of the time, however, we cannot function by regularly cutting corners in how we care for our bodies.
The personal process of learning to be still is a living one. I hope you can come to recognize that! Just like there is no “one right answer” as to the best way everyone should be spending their time, the same is true for yourself. Your needs can change. The demands on you can change as well. There are different times and seasons to our lives. We can learn to take life in stride. And while we are figuring all of that out, we can bring our Savior with us into the complex mess. He will be there to help us. As we take Him with us into what we are discovering about ourselves we will have everything that we need. Because of Christ, we truy can sink down and relax in as we rest in His care and strength.
I recently came across a question & answer movie clip with Elder Bednar where he talked about what balance means. A man asked how he was supposed to find balance between work, home, and church responsibilities. Elder Bednar talked about the balancing acts we probably have seen on TV where someone has a stick and puts a spinning plate on it, then grabs another stick and another plate. He must return to the first and second plate and give them a spin, but he continues until he has however many plates he wants to add. He then posed a question. Is it possible to keep all of these plates spinning at the same rate at the same time? No. First, he pointed out that 17 plates isn’t realistic. Good thing you already went through and took a hard examination at your life in chapter one, right? He encouraged the man who asked (and I think it applies to all of us) to use the Holy Ghost and also consult his spouse on the top 3-5 plates he needs to always keep spinning. Just like this juggler and his balancing act, we can’t give equal attention to each plate all the time. They all need an occasional spin. He encouraged us not to stress or worry over each individual situation. Yes, turning to spin one plate means we aren’t spinning the others at that exact moment; however, over time with a spin to one plate here and a spin to another there, it all works out. We just need to do the best we can to keep all these most important things going and make sure we don’t drop any of them (Clip HERE).
Elder Bednar’s description of balance applies not only to the whittling down of the demands on our time, energy, and focus, and making sure we cover all the important things, but also as we learn to T.C.O.Y. Sometimes one of our plates is closer to being dropped than the others. For example, sometimes we need extra physical self-care. When I was working through heavy trauma work, I found I needed more sleep than my normal. It’s okay that this isn’t a rigid process. It’s okay that our self-care isn’t robotic. As we become more aware of ourselves and our bodies, we can tune into what we really need right now. We can learn to focus on what we need most for the moment, and over time, it all works out as we do our best to not let any plates drop. This year I learned how to do a headstand in my yoga practice. We are able to move our bodies into postures like this that require balance through getting to know our own body, learning to focus (and lots and lots of practice!). I believe it’s the same off the mat. We must learn to focus on what is at hand, even the very moment at hand.
I recognize things happen! We must do our best sometimes to just roll with it, especially in times of unusual stress. Sometimes things happen that are out of our control. The point I am trying to make here is to do all you can to set yourself up for success. Do your best to care well for your body, so when things come up---because they will---you are more fresh. You can think more clearly and function on a higher level than just reacting to what is happening outside of yourself. Keeping Elder Bednar’s definition of balance in mind, your goal is to shoot for balanced self-care and a balance in relation to self-care and the other demands on your time and attention.
Next Section HERE
Previous Section HERE
Comments
Post a Comment