My body and my mind were beginning to close off and shut down. I am here, yet I must choose to BE here with every breath I take.
...Even when breathing itself is hard.
Instead of trying to force my body or manipulate my breath, I observed it.
I allowed my body to speak to me.
I listened to it.
Trauma can be smothering...My body is here, yet my mind is literally reliving hell (and creating reaction to "protect me" as if I'm still back in the past).
As I closed my eyes and tuned into myself and that very moment, I began to notice the sensations of Mark running his fingers through my hair. He was sitting on the couch and my head was resting in his lap. I also noticed him lovingly rubbing my back. My ribs were shallowly expanding and contracting with every breath, and I felt the tears slowly sliding down my nose onto my cheeks. I chose to be present for it and aware of it all.
I could hear Mark speaking gently to me and our kids happily playing and laughing in the other room. My heart was beating. A steady reminder that I am here.
As I slowly opened my eyes, I immediately saw the pictures of our beautiful family hanging in the picture frames of my favorite gallery wall. I saw our home---the safe haven Mark and I have built together for us and our kids. As I lifted my head and made eye contact with Mark, I saw his presence and concern for me shining back at me through his eyes.
I am safe.
I am here. I am here. I am here.
...and I am choosing to be here with every new breath and each beat of my heart.
Eight Autumn times ago, Mark was suicidal. He was caught in a reciprocal cycle of acting out on addiction...so he hated himself; then he would act out again because he hated himself.
Our home became a place of darkness. No matter how much I tried to keep the Spirit there and safe-guard our home...I just couldn't.
There are fewer shreds this year than other Autumn times.
Mark gave me a beautiful blessing as I fought to stay present with my body rather than launching off with my mind into the past. Heavenly Father talked to me about my commitment this year to feel my feelings; He acknowledged that there have been experiences that have felt heavy and even leave me feeling vulnerable. I was invited to be open minded and keep my heart wide open as I continue in my journey.
I prayed. I cried. I allowed the pain, fear, and confusion to surface---emotions that I didn't know how to give place for in the past. I opened my scriptures. I filled the tub, added in some essential oils, and chanted my heart out to yoga mantras as I soaked. I made a fresh batch of yogi tea---all the while, gently encouraging the pain to fully surface as it needed to.
I am here. I am here. I am here.
I breathed and stayed with my breath and my body.
Astoundingly, early in the morning, I felt the trauma lifting from my body and mind! I could finally relax fully enough to go to sleep!
As I woke up the next morning, the heaviness was still gone. It used to be that my body and my mind remembered all season long. It was a continual (and weary) battle to stay in the present moment through the Autumn months.
As I allowed my Savior to start walking with me to clear away more and more of the roots from these trauma and as I was Divinely lead to more and more tools, it got to the point that the heaviness only lasted through the month of October...than for a few weeks...then a week...then last year it was for only a few days...until this year, I moved through it in only a few hours.
I love that I have tools, and I'm so grateful for Heavenly help to process and heal. <3
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