I Release & I Let Go...

 

 
I have spent the past two years in therapy of all types, trying to work through what happened (the weekend we were slammed with two failed adoptions) as well as what has surfaced because it. I have discovered that I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of by other people since I was a tiny girl. I quickly became a master at invalidating myself: allowing myself to be uncomfortable for the sake of sparing others from their own discomforts, sacrificing my own needs in order to be the caretaker of others...so hyper-dialed into others rather than listening inside myself...and adjusting myself to be exactly who I perceived was wanted as an attempt to control others' perception of me since I felt out of control inside myself. I set it all up so there was "no way others could not NOT love me." 
 
I thought this was the price I had to pay in order to be accepted and loved by others.
Thankfully, I've had plenty of "opportunistic" people in my life, eager to jump on the chances I gave them to use me. I say "thankfully" because I am finally willing to see what these relationships and experiences have been trying to show me about myself. 
 
So, as I have and am changing, these are all things I am no longer allowing to happen. No matter what it takes. No matter how uncomfortable it is for others. No matter the unhealthy relationships I need to cut out of my life in order to hold the care of myself as number one and the care of my own little family as number two. 
 
I'm finding my voice.
 
I'm learning to listen to myself and to listen to God. 
 
I've learned that as I show up as my authentic self and take care of myself, others might "like me" while others just won't. And that's okay. Because I finally like me no matter what, and I know God does too.
And I've finally learned the truth: I am loveable. I AM love. My value and worth do not fluctuate. They are not actually earned. They aren't attached to productivity or whether I need to say yes or no to someone. And they can't be handed out as badges of honor from any mortal sources.
 
I simply am. 
 
I've learned to go to God for validation; it has been a freeing (and a loooong) process!
 

 
 

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