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| This picture shows each one if their personalities. :) |
Our Family History
I won't bore you or overwhelm you with the details, but let me briefly explain just in case you have somehow missed what I would summarize here. We have faced some major trauma together that has effected each one of us differently; Mark is a recovered sex addict. There were some very dark times for our family because of his choices. I have battled betrayal trauma because of it, so again, this has effected all of us---including our children. No child should ever have to go through what ours have passed through, yet ours have, and other children face similarly difficult situations. We can't go back and undo what has happened. We cannot rewrite the story or their stories. We are learning that we can parent in trauma informed ways and support our kids as they heal and release their pasts. We can point them to Christ.Maybe you have faced pornography or sex addiction in your family too. How about divorce or death? I faced both divorce and death in my family before I started a family of my own. And since I have already shocked you enough, what about neglect or abuse? What are the other major events that you would plug in here from your current or past family history? Why do we not connect what we have faced with our current health---physical or mental?! See a corner-turning study performed by the CDC. We can now accurately predict the future mental and physical health issues a person is likely to deal with based on their childhood traumatic events.
Our society today seems to expect us to simply detach, numb out, move on...never giving a person permission to closely examine the painful past---to feel it, explore it, and find ways to release it. Why are we so surprised that many individuals with major mental health or physical problems also have significant pasts?! I remember being struck by that as I went through my psych rotation in nursing school. Every patient history I went over for the individuals hospitalized for mental health issues had a history of abuse, drugs, or both.
The important thing I hope you understand about similar big experiences like what our family has gone through is that kids have feelings too. Even small children can often be effected by the family situations and dynamics. Addiction effects the entire family! Each member will have individual needs. Don't overlook your children's needs for healing too!!! Address it now rather than a child growing into adulthood with a loaded past.
Lay off on yourself if reading this has stirred any shame for you. It's never too late to parent better! And if you, yourself, are drowning while you are surviving a major life event, know it's okay. I had to get myself to a good place before I could support other members of my family. As I write this, we are almost 6 years out since my hubby's last relapse. My husband has pulled out of addiction. He has changed. I have healed. Our marriage has and is healing. It has only been in recent years that I have even become aware of my children and their own needs. But we can always start where we are. I allowed Satan to hold me in darkness with this for a while. I thought I had caused too much damage and hurt for my children. I believed that the ways my choices had hurt my children were beyond repair. But that is a lie! Because of Christ there is always hope! These are God's children too! I believe He will guide us in the details of helping each child find ways to release the painful experiences from their young lives.
The Roots of Trauma
Trauma effects a person in two major ways: 1. the body (specifically the brain and nervous system) is rewired. 2. the belief system is usually changed too. We come out of the traumatic event having picked up new or different beliefs about ourselves, others, and the ways the world works.I have adapted the following chart from Virginia H. Pearce's book, Through His Eyes: Rethinking What You Believe About Yourself. Let me show it to you and then explain what it means. I acknowledge my explanation is an oversimplification, but hopefully it will give you an understanding and help you feel empowered as a parent supporting a child to heal from a traumatic past.
When it comes to our kids, we need to learn to make observations and seek to truly understand. I have shared at other times how key reading Dan Sigel's books have been for me in this. Start with his book called Parenting From the Inside Out. He suggests that as we take care of our own pasts as parents, we can be present to parent our children. If we don't address our past, the current experiences remind us too much of our own unresolved issues that we can't stay present for our child. The moment actually becomes about us instead of about him or her.
So, assuming you have adequately addressed your own past, this will be easier for you to attempt. If you have things you need to visit and resolve, then come back once that has been taken care of. Let me go backwards in this chart because I think it makes more sense starting that way. When our children do (Action/Behaviors) things that catch us off guard, surprise us, or we even dislike, instead of flying off the handle, reacting, or immediately scolding them, we can learn to make observations. If we try to shut off or curb their Actions/Behaviors only at this level, it simply leads to shame. They don't change their Actions/Behaviors directly. They either find a different way to express that or just make sure that Mom or Dad don't know it's still happening. We are not teaching them at a root level, nor are we taking the time to understand why they are doing what they do. We all do what we do for a reason. If we can teach them at a root level, that is when there is lasting change. They actually understand (because we took the time to understand them and the situation first).
So, when we see Actions/Behaviors, we can learn to ask questions. We can become the world's best detectives. "Why would he or she do that?" "What is he or she feeling?" See if you can walk it back to an Emotion. And if you are able to pin it to an Emotion(s), ask yourself, "Why would my child feel that way?" "What would he be thinking?" So often as parents we can quickly jump to conclusions without asking questions, making observations, or seeking to understand! We need to do our very best to understand what he or she is trying to tell us.
Now let's go through the rest of the chart from the top down. As information comes into our bodies through our 5 senses it is called Input. At this level it is simply information. It doesn't mean anything yet; however, as it is filtered through our Belief System, it is assigned meaning. What is in a person's Belief System? (Pearce suggests Truth---eternally True, always has been, and always will be; truth---"good advice," often it is hinged on a Truth as a half-Truth, or because of past experiences a person can have a warped sense of Truth and try to elevate a t-truth to a T-Truth; and lies).
How do things get in there? There are many ways beliefs are planted into our minds. One of them is through traumatic events. In a gospel context, think about how at these critical moments, something so shameful, painful, or confusing happens that we are left questioning. It is at these vulnerable points that Satan and his minions rush in and offer us suggestions as to why this "really" happened to us. And because of what just happened, these whispered lies make more sense to us than the Truth. We accept them and adopt them as the logical explanations. We allow in beliefs such as, "I'm not good enough." "Nobody loves me." "I am such an idiot." And on and on. Kids are no different! In their innocent attempts to understand life on the earth, they are particularly susceptible to this. God knew all of this when He sent us to the earth! I believe it is a huge part of our experience in mortality.
The last thing to point out about this chart is that because of traumatic events, sometimes Inputs come in that are triggers. What this means is that a bit of information is hitting on or reminding us of the traumatic event---the lies are being stirred. When an Input is a trigger, as person can go extremely quickly through this flow chart: Input to Action/Behavior in seemingly a split second. Often we have well-worn paths of thought. It seems that our Actions/Behaviors are unpredictable or random. But I believe that isn't true. A person experiences an Input, it is filtered through the Belief System and assigned meaning through a Thought. If it isn't caught at this level, the Thought creates an Emotional Reaction. If it a person still isn't aware at this level, it will come out as an Action/Behavior.
This chart presents two challenges. First, we want to catch this process before it comes out as undesirable Actions/Behaviors, right (so becoming aware of our thoughts and emotions)? I will leave that unaddressed in this post, but understand that doesn't mean it isn't important. Second, what can we do to make changes for the future? I won't spend time walking you through the details here, but understand that the only level that offers lasting change for the future and not just stopping what is already happening is at the Belief level. If we can change (or a better description is actually allow ourselves to be changed) what is in our Belief System, we automatically think different Thoughts; therefore, we have new Emotional reactions and Actions/Behaviors. That is the goal! This is the level that the mighty change of heart mentioned in the scriptures happens on! This is the level that Christ changes us!
Now, let me make sure you understand that it isn't this simple in real-life. Remember how I told you that the body is also changed because of trauma? It can be tricky to get past it sometimes to access this belief level or to see what is really happening, but again, this is the goal. That is why releasing trauma requires an experience. The nervous system and the brain must also heal. I was just having a delightful conversation with my step-mom today about some of this. The Holy Ghost can help us with releasing trauma and experiences that involve our body. Think about how the Holy Ghost interacts with our bodies. I have shared in the past times when God has given me the direct spiritual experiences I have needed to release trauma HERE, HERE, and HERE.
I want to say this in a way that you understand as we finish our time together. Just because our prayers, scripture study, or our efforts to turn to Christ alone aren't always enough to do this for us doesn't mean that they aren't adequate to do so. Sometimes we have layers of dysfunction, hurt, or complex trauma that requires adding in more angles of healing. Sometimes based on where we are at, we aren't ready for those to be our answers (or not ready yet). But it doesn't mean that any of what I have or am going to tell you is a replacement for those things. No healing modality or tool can do for us what Christ can. Sometimes those tools give us access to Him and His healing power though. I believe that He works through means to reach us. He will speak to us "in [our] own language" (D&C 90:11*Note that this verse says "in his own tongue, and in his own language." I believe He is saying two different things---not the same thing twice---ie-a person speaking Spanish, etc. will hear the gospel.). He calls to us in ways that He knows we can understand. He calls to us in certain and tailored ways because that is how He can reach us right now. I will come back to this in a moment. For now, let me give you an example of what I was alluding to when I said Emotional Release.
Emotional Release
My daughter has had reoccurring nightmares recently. (Consider this an Action/Behavior level. Something is going on at a deeper level and if I only consider or address it at this level, I won't know how to help her). As we prepared for an Emotional Release, we walked it backward like I just explained to you. We pinpointed Emotions of fear and powerlessness. In her dreams I would leave the kids in the car to run into a store and her younger brother would hop in the driver's seat and shift the car into drive or reverse. Every time she would plead with him not to do it and ask him to stop the car, but every time her dream would end with a horrific crash. As we explored together, she shared that she couldn't stop her brother from doing that and the crashes were all her fault (the Thoughts). And finally we hit on the Belief: "I am responsible for others' actions."I think up to this point what I have given you will be helpful to you as a parent (I really, really hope!). The rest of our time together came from years of training. I will include some resources for your consideration below. For now, understand that there are countless ways to release trauma. Once we pinpoint lies or wonky framed truths in our Belief System, there are any number of ways we can release them---through experiences---and access the Belief System in order to replace them with Truths. There are countless options that include our bodies in this process (here's a big fat plug for yoga! Yoga, meditation, mindfulness, and EMDR have all been studied and related to effective trauma release). In a gospel context, I already told you that anything that invites The Spirit can do this for us too. Moments where we bask in Christ's love can do this for us too. Reading gives access to change the Belief System (hello scripture study!) and when it's coupled with the Holy Ghost, it brings the body into the experience. Prayer also literally slows down the brainwaves so the Belief System is accessible. It is possible in so many ways or combination of ways to release the beliefs that make traumatic events so traumatic and help to heal our bodies too. God knows exactly what we need and what our children need to work through the trauma from the past piece by piece. Sometimes the healing and release comes in huge bursts. Sometimes it's slow-going. But He knows how we can tackle this process for ourselves and support our children as they heal too.
For my family, the release process included hiring professionals. After time, we realized that it was much more convenient and cost-effective for me to get trained myself. And so we have added and added to our healing toolbox. I will fill in those resources I just mentioned and then finish up summarizing this recent example with my daughter.
~I went through a 12-month training as an intuitive life coach. It costs $3600. Info is HERE.
~I went through Guided Imagery training. It is $999. Info HERE. I was a Hypnobabies Instructor and that taught me so much about the mind-body connection. You have to be a doula, childbirth educator, or they accepted my RN. Although it was specific to pregnancy and birth, it was a wonderful springboard in my understanding.
~I went through a yoga teacher training course. It has run for around $1000-ish in the past. It is by invitation only, so contact Felice if you are interested.
~I also trained in TheataHealing. I'm not even sure any more what to link in here...?
Those are the big ones that come to mind. So, depending on what is going on and what my child needs, I can pull from a wide variety of tools. Sometimes we talks, read the scriptures, and pray together and that is all they need to heal. Recently I have been doing a meditation for fear release with my 3-year-old and that has helped him. Sometimes it's in other ways. There are so many ways to heal, so why not pull in every aspect of light and truth as you help your child heal physically, mentally, and spiritually?
In my daughter's situation, we went with an Emotional Release process I learned in my life coach course. Once we pinpointed the belief, she was able to locate it in her body and noticed the color it was. She couldn't release it right off, so we asked who else needed to come help. The more I do these processes, the more amazed I am that truly our mind knows exactly what needs to be done in order to heal! Her 5-year-old self came forward. As I asked her what was happening, she said it was when her daddy left the family the first time. As I came home with the boys and this 5-year-old Sennika, my husband was at our home with family members loading up everything that belonged to him from the house. After they were all packed, he turned to tell the kids bye. Senn was old enough to grasp what was happening. She asked, "When will I see you again, Daddy?"
"You will see me when you are older," was his reply. This is the memory that came forward as we worked on the present belief. We established that it was the same belief from her dreams---"I am responsible that my Daddy is leaving." She pointed out that he had only said that he would see her when she was older to her, not her brothers. She said that it felt like evidence that it was all her fault because why would he only say that to her if it wasn't true that it was her fault? (Can you see Satan's doings?!) There was no other explanation for this tender girl as to why her daddy was leaving. She named the color and location in her body. She was able to release that from the 5-year-old self. She suddenly pointed out, "Dad probably said that to me because I was the one who asked him the question! It wasn't because I was responsible for him leaving!" YEAH!!! She had carried this painful belief for almost 6 years! She never knew that this was a lie. And this lie continued to create Actions/Behaviors in other relationships and experiences as she interacted with others. She thought she was responsible for the choices that others make. Now she finally knew the truth and because of the details of this process and the ways it involves the body and the brain, she had an experience that helped her feel it too and not just know it in her head. Once this 5-year-old Sennika was situated, we returned again to the current belief related to the nightmares.
She still couldn't release it completely. As we asked who needed to come forward, this time it was her Savior. She was overcome in that moment and said He told her that it would be alright because He would help her. That was when I asked her if she knew that Christ's Atonement covers the ways that other people's choices hurt or effect us. Although we are not responsible for what other people do, sometimes the ways they use their agency hurt us. She started crying as the reality of this Truth sunk into her heart. And she was finally able to release everything with His help.
We go through a releasing script and tailor it based on the colors and locations in the body where the beliefs were located. We do a replacing script, again, tailored to the colors, location of the body, and individual discoveries. (This is one of many reason that the training was so awesome!!!)
We end the session by having her meet with the Savior. Everything she allowed to released is absorbed into His light. The 5-year-old (or any younger self from traumatic events) is re-parented and grows up to the present day. She receives a gift in exchange for what she handed over to the Savior and a personal private message from Him.
Her session included more work and more details than this, but I want to honor as much of her privacy as possible. So THIS is what I meant by Emotional Release. :)
I am accepting clients, but with a disclaimer. I have more experience in my own home than working with professional clients. I am not as experienced---yet---as others when it comes to all of this. If you want to explore doing a session with me, then reach out. If my words have helped you understand and you have somebody else in mind to work with then go do it and heal! If you give me about 6 months, I will have even more and better training. I am heading to Atlanta to learn how to release trauma by resetting the nervous system. No talking is required in the sessions (for this training I am about to receive). I am so excited I can hardly stand it! When I am through the training and certification process I will take on a light client load. So, stay tuned, and reach out now or then if you would like to experience additional support for you or your children as you heal.
Don't forget that Christ is the Master Healer! I believe He is the author of everything that brings healing, whether we recognize Him in it or not. Take Him into the details of this process. He will go with you and help you to have what you need as you support your child in healing.
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