This is my story- honest and ugly. But so far it is ending beautifully, which is why I share. People have the power to change, and God has the power to turn all things for our good.
I was married in the Bountiful temple in 1995, unaware that my husband had seen pornography as a teen many times, even once on his mission.
5 years and 2 children later, I felt like I had a remarkably good marriage. Brandon and I loved each other and got along well. We had our share of hard times with me working full time night shifts and Brandon working full time, as well as going to school. With two little ones, we were often like ships passing in the night. Brandon was a great dad and took such good care of the kids. We were faithful, church attending, calling magnifying, LDS people. Never could I have fathomed what I saw one morning when I turned on our recently purchased home computer.
Seeing that image, and knowing that the reason for its existence could only be my husband, I was shocked, stunned, and sickened. I called him at work right then, and when he answered, I asked, “Do you have a problem with pornography?” He was silent. Then answered a quiet, “yes”. I dropped the phone and cried.
I told him that he needed to tell the bishop, so he made an appointment. We asked his parents to come babysit- we didn’t tell them why, and they didn’t ask. That night, standing in the dark hallway of the empty church, Brandon told me that there was more. He then confessed that he didn’t just look at pornography, he masturbated too. I was once again so stunned, and felt even more betrayed. This was the first time I felt like my husband had been having sex with the images of other women, and I felt cheated on. My naive heart was shattered.
The bishop gave us an article from the Ensign on pornography. He took my husband’s temple recommend away for a time, but there was no other follow up, and definitely nowhere for me to turn. I questioned if I even knew Brandon, and I struggled to construct a new reality of my entire marriage. I confided in my dad that I wondered about divorce and was told, “That’s not a reason to divorce.”
Brandon was humble and repentant, things got better, and days turned into 7 years. We were busy working and raising 4 children. Sometimes I wondered if Brandon looked at pornography, and once in a while I asked him about it. He always told me he wasn’t looking. Then one day while I was sitting on my bed reading a book after church, Brandon approached me and confessed that he had indeed been struggling with pornography over the last several years. I felt calm as I faced his tears and distress. I told him that I knew who he really was, and I that this struggling man was not who he really was.”
However, as the hours and days passed, the reality of his confession sunk in. I remember realizing suddenly that all of those times over the years when I had asked him about pornography, he had lied to me. The knowledge of so many face to face lies completely shattered all trust I had in him. I quit my job without notice. I felt that I couldn’t leave home to work the night shift, but instead needed to guard the computer. It was an anxiety-riddled existence, and it wore me out quickly. I soon came to the realization that I had no control over Brandon and his choices. He had very effectively been lying to me, and obviously, I might never know if he chose to do so again. So I replaced my hypervigilance with anger, and with a very hard heart, one that would resist any future breaking.
Brandon was directed to the church’s new addiction recovery program. Spouses were allowed to attend and I went with him one time. He shared about his pornography use while the others in the group shared about their alcohol and drug use. I was uncomfortable, and I didn’t return. Brandon completed the 12 steps and moved forward. I turned to social media to numb my pain, and eventually to an old high school crush. We messaged each other, then talked on the phone, then met in person. I felt loved and important. I had never felt good enough for my parents, and apparently I was never enough for Brandon, but to this person, I could be perfect. I didn’t keep this relationship from Brandon, because I had such an aversion to lying. It made me feel better to not hide my actions, and I didn’t hide the fact that I was considering divorce very seriously. Brandon and I were hurting inside, and hurting each other. I had gone back to work and was a home care nurse at this time, with some of my patients living in the assisted living facility that Brandon managed. One day I noticed that Brandon was in his marketer’s office with the door closed. I sat on a bench across from the office and texted him, asking him what was going on. He replied, “Nothing”. I then asked why he was in his marketer’s office with the door closed and told him to come out. A while later he emerged and I followed him to his office where he told me that this woman had wanted his opinion on her new boob job. I asked him if she had taken off her shirt, and he said no. Baffled, I vehemently yelled at him with his door wide open to the staff, and told him to stay away from her. Meanwhile, my relationship continued with my old crush. This almost destroyed Brandon, and he became suicidal, eventually threatening the other man with his life, and thereby quickly and effectively ending my emotional affair.
I told my bishop everything. His advice was to attend the temple more. The temple is wonderful, but I needed serious help, the kind that an untrained bishop simply isn’t capable of giving. I was so broken and confused. Brandon and I went to marriage counseling. The counselor told me that I needed to work on having more self-esteem. She gave Brandon pictures of faces labeled with different emotions and encouraged him to identify and express his emotions.
We started seeing a different counselor who had us fill out worksheets about our needs. Brandon’s was no surprise, he identified his greatest need as sex. He maintained that position, no matter how much I argued the ridiculousness of it. So, I reasoned, if I were unable to have sex with him, his needs would go unmet, and he would not feel loved? I felt like an object. I felt like he didn’t need ME, he just needed my body for sex.
We stopped seeing that counselor, and forged ahead together, still trying to keep our marriage and family intact. After a long late-night talk with my dad, where he shared the story of my grandmother’s strength in staying married to her alcoholic husband, I finally made the decision to commit myself to my marriage. Brandon took me on a surprise date where we got matching tattoos of the eternity symbol to be a permanent reminder of our renewed commitment. We both felt broken and now literally scarred, but ready to try again.
The next several years were very difficult and humbling. Brandon was fired from his job at the assisted living without explanation. We racked up debt trying to maintain a lifestyle that had already previously been beyond our means, and eventually lost our home and our cars. We even had to turn to the church for help. Brandon found work driving truck after 7 months of unemployment, but then one year later, just a week before Thanksgiving, he lost his job again. We pulled together as a family and relied on the Lord to get through those hard times. Eventually finding work again as a garbage man was very hard on Brandon, a college graduate. When the opportunity to take a managerial job in California came up, we took it, and moved for the 10th time in our 19 year marriage.
California was an extremely difficult 2 year nightmare for Brandon. The job he hoped for was physically and mentally exhausting. I was frustrated with our marriage. We would go out to eat and Brandon would watch the TV in the restaurant. I would just look at him, wondering how long I could chew and stare at him before he would notice me. I asked Brandon to read books on communication. I told him that I wasn’t happy because he didn’t talk deeply with me- our relationship was superficial. He claimed to love me, but he never did buy or read a single book on communication, so I felt that his actions showed that he didn’t love me enough to even try to meet my needs. I knew he was depressed, and I knew that his job was a big part of that, but I didn’t know how to help him.
During this time, I was tagged on an Instagram account by my sister. The account was @thelightkeepers, and I began to learn about pornography and the addictive nature of it in a way that I never had before. I learned about betrayal trauma, and suddenly could see it so plainly in myself. I now had validation, and even reasons behind my feelings and behaviors. I learned about boundaries, and everything I read rang true. This knowledge was both painful and healing, drudging up many old memories.
I brought up the past with Brandon. I asked him if he ever struggled. I cried and told him how much his past had hurt me. He told me that of course he was sometimes tempted, but that he didn’t look at pornography anymore. I was glad that part of our life was in the past, and I was grateful that I could understand everything we had gone through much more clearly with my newfound education.
Just a few months later, as I was getting ready to leave to work a night shift at a local hospital, Brandon told me that he had watched some movies that were haunting him. I didn’t like his TV habits, and hated the shows like Survivor, full of scantily clad girls, and The Walking Dead, full of darkness and death, that he loved to watch. I never felt like there was anything I could do about him watching those shows though- I didn’t want to act like his mother, but I often expressed to him how much I hated those shows. Still, he watched on.
I felt really mad at him, because I figured he had watched some rated R movies, which was something we just didn’t do as very active LDS members. Did I always have to be the only one enforcing any standards in our marriage? I left the house in anger. Later that night, I sat at work, with the slow realization that maybe he was talking about more than just rated R movies. After my shift, I came home and woke him up, standing over him and asking him what the movie was that he had watched. He didn’t answer for what seemed like a long time, and dread filled my stomach. Finally he spoke the disgusting title, and I ran into our walk-in closet, fell to the floor, and cried out, in as much pain as I had ever been. I could not believe this was happening again.
The next days and weeks were filled with a trickle disclosure in response to my questioning. Each confession from the past several years of acting out felt like a knife to my gut. This was the 3rd time in our 20 year marriage that I had been completely blindsided. Was I so naive? Was I so blind? My mind racked the past 8 years for any clues that he was still involved with pornography. At the time, I recognized none. The pain was multiplied with the repetition of this cycle, and I felt waves of anger amidst the constant agony. I also felt completely alone. I begged God for relief. I begged for angels to come and minister to me and ease the suffering. I felt nothing but a deep, dark hole for days on end. I sent an email to the author of @thelightkeepers, then laid on the ground crying, “Please write me back. Please write me back. Please write me back.”
Brandon was so repentant and sorrowful. He hated his addiction and wanted to be free. He just had never learned how. He had been working with the bishop for six months at the time of his “confession” in the bathroom, and was feeling so good to have finally told me, however partial it had been. It was cleansing to his soul, and he was feeling the peace of working through the repentance process. Meanwhile, I felt as though he had repeatedly stabbed me, then dropped the knife and held my hemorrhaging body, assuring me that everything was okay now because his stabbing days were over. Brandon hadn’t yet learned empathy, nor did he have the capacity for it at that time.
As dark days passed, I began to take matters into my own hands. I had learned many things about addiction, recovery, and boundaries, so I knew what I had to do. I read several books, including “What Can I Do about Me?” by Rhyll Croshaw, and “Sitting in a Rowboat Throwing Marbles at a Battleship” by Andrew Pippanne. These two books changed my life. Brandon began to read them as well. Yes, he was now reading. He also began attending the church’s 12 step program, now pornography specific, which was held 30 minutes away and attended by about 3 men in that large area of Northern California.
I met a few new Instagram friends who had anonymous accounts sharing their own journeys through the trauma of betrayal. One accused me of wallowing in my pain. I blocked that person and deleted my own Instagram account. Being betrayed by one of my own sisters hurt me very much. Shortly, I realized that I was letting her stop me from my own recovery and healing through sharing my story; I resolved to press forward and I re-started my account, calling it @latterdaywarrior because I felt like I was truly waging a war. Writing was so therapeutic. I shared my feelings and everything I continued to learn as I studied, read, and watched recorded conference videos. I made a list of boundaries, including no television in my home. It was so freeing and empowering. I did NOT have to live in a home with television shows that I hated! I had choices!
I gave my list of boundaries to Brandon in writing. It included the fact that I was only willing to stay married if he attended 12 step addiction recovery meetings weekly for the rest of his life; finally facing radical acceptance that this battle would be daily. I also gave him 1 year to change, or I would be asking for a divorce. The change I needed to see was written out clearly in my boundaries, but I also needed to feel the change in him. Knowing what I needed, I then let go of any responsibility or even much concern for Brandon and his choices, and I turned to God. Prayer became my lifeline. Peace came slowly, recovering my soul stitch by stich, as I continued to seek healing from the Master Physician.
During this time of discovery and recovery in our lives, a wonderful job as an administrator of an assisted living facility was opened to Brandon, and we moved back to Utah. This was a blessing as we were now surrounded by more resources and groups. We both attended the church’s 12 group as well as SA Lifeline’s. We read more excellent books, saw another therapist, and worked on our relationship every day. It was rocky. I had moments of great learning and tender mercies, coupled with the pain of everyday life. My most difficult times were going to work, to church, and to a sister’s retreat- trying to act normal and be normal around others, when in reality my whole world felt upside down and inside out.
Brandon and I had many difficult conversations to wade through. He was helped immensely by my brother in law who is a wonderful therapist. Brandon struggled with defensiveness, shame, and self-pity, as well as enduring the misunderstandings in our communication efforts. I helped him realize that we both had to press forward through the hard conversations if we ever wanted to get to the other side where understanding lies. He taught me that we couldn’t press through effectively when we didn’t have the Spirit with us. Our raw and painful efforts were slowly rewarded, especially as Brandon healed and regained empathy. His remorseful tears slowly helped heal the wounds he had caused in me. He even admitted to learning that sex was not his number one need. That truly shocked me. He finally discovered that what he needed most really was me- my soul, my love, my understanding, and my respect.
A year into our recoveries, Brandon and I felt that we needed to share our stories publically. For Brandon, it was about accountability and humility- essential to his continued recovery. For me, it was about helping others, as I had been helped and led to the resources that educated me and started my recovery. Since going public with our story, we have had numerous individuals and couples come forward, asking for help. Though we don’t have all the answers, we can at least point them to the sources of our answers. This has given a lot of meaning to our pain. We also feel so much more authentic. Going public was the right choice for us.
Every story is different. Every journey of recovery from betrayal trauma is different. For me, it took 8 months from my 3rdD day to feel a semblance of my normal self, and 2 years to feel healed from trauma. Of course, triggers occasionally arise; memories remain. The recovery process and the Savior are the way through each day for me.
My husband has now been sober and in recovery for 2 years, 11 months. Yes, according to our history and his cycles, it seems insignificant. However, I can say resolutely that I am married to a different man. He has his own boundaries that he keeps, in addition to mine, and he has changed so much. He attends 12 step meetings twice weekly, he is humble, empathetic, and shares his feelings with me on a regular basis. The atonement of Jesus Christ has wrought a mighty change of heart in Brandon, and has also healed my heart. I have even regained a bit of trust, which I thought would never come. Mostly, my trust is in the process of recovery, and in the Savior. Day by day, honest efforts, coupled with God’s enabling power, works miracles. This is my testimony, that the Lord does ease our burdens and does visit His people in their afflictions, that they can know of a surety of His reality and power, and stand as witnesses of Him thereafter. I am His witness.
Jaylynn Bryson
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