We can look at what God does as a parent and duplicate that into our
own parenting strategies. I believe parenting is a great opportunity for
the sanctification process to take place and is one of many reasons parenthood
is part of God’s plan. Just like with marriage, as parents, we live up close and
personal with other human beings. Such an arrangement brings challenges
and difficulties and can speed up this refinement process in us if we recognize
it as such an opportunity. Rather than projecting the problem outward, in
moments of frustration, we can turn inward and examine ourselves and the
ways we have caused or contributed to moments of discord.
own parenting strategies. I believe parenting is a great opportunity for
the sanctification process to take place and is one of many reasons parenthood
is part of God’s plan. Just like with marriage, as parents, we live up close and
personal with other human beings. Such an arrangement brings challenges
and difficulties and can speed up this refinement process in us if we recognize
it as such an opportunity. Rather than projecting the problem outward, in
moments of frustration, we can turn inward and examine ourselves and the
ways we have caused or contributed to moments of discord.
I believe parenting in God-like ways also blesses our child and gives us the
patterns to help us figure out how ministering in parenting looks like. God
always points us to Christ. The ways He parents naturally invites this. As
we use all of the patterns and skills we have been developing in turning to
Christ and using His strength here, we will not only mimic God’s parenting
style, but we will also naturally parent in God-like ways that more easily invite
our child to find his Savior.
patterns to help us figure out how ministering in parenting looks like. God
always points us to Christ. The ways He parents naturally invites this. As
we use all of the patterns and skills we have been developing in turning to
Christ and using His strength here, we will not only mimic God’s parenting
style, but we will also naturally parent in God-like ways that more easily invite
our child to find his Savior.
I am not even going to pretend to have all of the answers, but like the rest of
this book, I can write as one who has struggled. I went along for most of my
children’s lives completely oblivious to the harm and hurt our choices as
parents were causing them. I didn’t see until recent years that the ways we
were parenting were not only ineffective, but were also actually hurting them.
I know I was doing my best back then, but it has been painful to look back
and see it all clearly.
this book, I can write as one who has struggled. I went along for most of my
children’s lives completely oblivious to the harm and hurt our choices as
parents were causing them. I didn’t see until recent years that the ways we
were parenting were not only ineffective, but were also actually hurting them.
I know I was doing my best back then, but it has been painful to look back
and see it all clearly.
For the first time I could see it all! After almost a decade of not just tiny mistakes,
but huge blaring ones, motherhood and parenting my children had become
completely encapsulated in shame. I was angry for what my husband’s choices
had done to them because of addiction---the instability, the fear, the tension, not
to mention bringing degrading and inappropriate things into our home. I also felt
so ashamed of the ways my responses to his choices had also deeply hurt my children.
but huge blaring ones, motherhood and parenting my children had become
completely encapsulated in shame. I was angry for what my husband’s choices
had done to them because of addiction---the instability, the fear, the tension, not
to mention bringing degrading and inappropriate things into our home. I also felt
so ashamed of the ways my responses to his choices had also deeply hurt my children.
After I realized these things, I tried to make my own course corrections. I felt
terrible that even though I knew better, I still wasn’t doing better. Even though
I wanted to be a better parent and I knew I should be, I was still making mistakes
every day that hurt my children. I was holding myself to a rigid standard of
perfection and I was failing miserably again and again day after day.
terrible that even though I knew better, I still wasn’t doing better. Even though
I wanted to be a better parent and I knew I should be, I was still making mistakes
every day that hurt my children. I was holding myself to a rigid standard of
perfection and I was failing miserably again and again day after day.
I finally understood how important being a parent is, yet I would become
impatient, even losing my temper and raising my voice with these tender
and innocent little ones. And then the whisperings of “See, you are such a failure,”
would only amplify that suffocating shame. I was stuck in a hopeless dark hole
feeling isolated and ashamed. Shame in parenting is one of Satan’s favorite tools,
especially for moms.
impatient, even losing my temper and raising my voice with these tender
and innocent little ones. And then the whisperings of “See, you are such a failure,”
would only amplify that suffocating shame. I was stuck in a hopeless dark hole
feeling isolated and ashamed. Shame in parenting is one of Satan’s favorite tools,
especially for moms.
On top of the “normal” struggles we face as parents, we can have additional
challenges in parenting our children who have experienced trauma. For many
families where one or more parent has battled addiction, mental health, major
physical health, or there have been significant losses or abuse or neglect, the
following would most likely apply to the children in that family. Parenting
techniques that would work for children who haven’t experienced significant
trauma can be ineffective or damaging for children who come from a background
of or are experiencing trauma. We will talk more about the ways to respond to
create safety for such a child later in the chapter.
challenges in parenting our children who have experienced trauma. For many
families where one or more parent has battled addiction, mental health, major
physical health, or there have been significant losses or abuse or neglect, the
following would most likely apply to the children in that family. Parenting
techniques that would work for children who haven’t experienced significant
trauma can be ineffective or damaging for children who come from a background
of or are experiencing trauma. We will talk more about the ways to respond to
create safety for such a child later in the chapter.
As the trauma from the intense years surrounding my husband’s addiction began
to come to the surface for each of one of our children, I hit my deepest low in how
I felt about myself and my abilities to parent. I had caused so much harm! Even
though I understood the Atonement and the gospel as I have shown you in
previous chapters, for whatever reason in my mind, motherhood and parenthood
was somehow an exception to all of that. I felt beyond the Savior’s reach for my
parenting mishaps and I worried about what seemed like irreparable damage I
had caused my children.
to come to the surface for each of one of our children, I hit my deepest low in how
I felt about myself and my abilities to parent. I had caused so much harm! Even
though I understood the Atonement and the gospel as I have shown you in
previous chapters, for whatever reason in my mind, motherhood and parenthood
was somehow an exception to all of that. I felt beyond the Savior’s reach for my
parenting mishaps and I worried about what seemed like irreparable damage I
had caused my children.
Let me share with you something that was lovingly offered to me at that desperate
time of need. "God does not expect parents to be perfect or we wouldn't have
children in our twenties, or thirties, or in this life, for that matter...Even the best
efforts cannot sufficiently prepare us for the experience of parenting which ultimately
demands at least a measure of on-the-job training. In fact, it could be said---given
this quality of parenting of learning as we go---that the primary product of parenting
is not the child, it is the parent. Parenting, like marriage, is another opportunity for
us to become more like the Savior. And, of course, as we become better parents,
and the more quickly we learn to improve, the more we can also bless the lives of
our children. Nevertheless, each child will choose for himself or herself to accept
or reject the opportunities available to children of caring parents.
time of need. "God does not expect parents to be perfect or we wouldn't have
children in our twenties, or thirties, or in this life, for that matter...Even the best
efforts cannot sufficiently prepare us for the experience of parenting which ultimately
demands at least a measure of on-the-job training. In fact, it could be said---given
this quality of parenting of learning as we go---that the primary product of parenting
is not the child, it is the parent. Parenting, like marriage, is another opportunity for
us to become more like the Savior. And, of course, as we become better parents,
and the more quickly we learn to improve, the more we can also bless the lives of
our children. Nevertheless, each child will choose for himself or herself to accept
or reject the opportunities available to children of caring parents.
"Parents need to understand both the responsibilities of parenthood and the limits
of that responsibility. Those who get caught up in excessive guilt are often so intent on
surviving emotional devastations that they end up focusing more on themselves than
on the child. We are not good resources for our children she we feel excessive guilt.
Guilt should be reserved for sin. Of course, we should feel guilt if we are sinning---
abusing or neglecting our children, or behaving in other telestial ways. Such behavior
should be corrected immediately. Parental imperfection, however, is a part of the
plan, or we wouldn't have children at all in this mortal sphere. We are responsible
to learn and improve, not to be perfect parents from the start.
"Problematic parents do not doom children to miserable or sinful lives any more than
wonderful parents guarantee successful, righteous lives to their children" (Get the
citation, emphasis added. This comes from a BYU-I religion manual on The Family
Proclamation under the section about children’s agency).
As my friend read that quote to me the Truth finally penetrated my heart and sunk
deeply into my mind! Instantly the darkness, confusion, and shame were dispelled.
It was the swap and shift in my insight that needed to happen at the “Belief” level.
deeply into my mind! Instantly the darkness, confusion, and shame were dispelled.
It was the swap and shift in my insight that needed to happen at the “Belief” level.
We do need to do our very best, but it is part of God’s plan that we will make
mistakes as parents! If we were required to be perfect parents, God would not
lend us His children to practice on! I also love that this quote points out the end
result of parenting is more for the parent than the child.
mistakes as parents! If we were required to be perfect parents, God would not
lend us His children to practice on! I also love that this quote points out the end
result of parenting is more for the parent than the child.
Through the child’s own agency, good parenting can produce rotten adults, just like
rotten parenting can produce good adults. The ways my children will turn out does
not hinge solely on the ways I parent them! With this realization, something beautiful
began to happen to me. I was finally able and willing to allow grace into parenthood.
Because of the other ugly places I had taken my Savior before, I already knew the
pattern of repentance and exactly how to do it!
rotten parenting can produce good adults. The ways my children will turn out does
not hinge solely on the ways I parent them! With this realization, something beautiful
began to happen to me. I was finally able and willing to allow grace into parenthood.
Because of the other ugly places I had taken my Savior before, I already knew the
pattern of repentance and exactly how to do it!
In the book, No Drama Discipline, Siegel and Bryson offer four messages of hope
at the end of their book. First, there is no magic wand: “sometimes there’s just
nothing we can do to ‘fix’ things when our kids are having a hard time. We can
work to stay calm and loving. We can be fully present. We can access the full
measure of our creativity. And still, we may not be able to make things better right
away. Sometimes all we have to offer is our presence as our children move through
the emotions. When kids clearly communicate that they want to be alone, we can
respect what they feel they need in order to calm down” (Siegel & Bryson, No Drama
Discipline, 215-216).
at the end of their book. First, there is no magic wand: “sometimes there’s just
nothing we can do to ‘fix’ things when our kids are having a hard time. We can
work to stay calm and loving. We can be fully present. We can access the full
measure of our creativity. And still, we may not be able to make things better right
away. Sometimes all we have to offer is our presence as our children move through
the emotions. When kids clearly communicate that they want to be alone, we can
respect what they feel they need in order to calm down” (Siegel & Bryson, No Drama
Discipline, 215-216).
Sometimes we do all of the right things to reach to our children and help them through
difficulties and for one reason or another, it just doesn’t work. Our children will go through
experiences here in mortality that we simply cannot fix. We can take confidence as we
pray for answers and place our child in God’s hands. We can do all we can to express
love and our availability and invite them to discover their Savior personally, but sometimes
we are unable to generate a solution or a solution quickly.
difficulties and for one reason or another, it just doesn’t work. Our children will go through
experiences here in mortality that we simply cannot fix. We can take confidence as we
pray for answers and place our child in God’s hands. We can do all we can to express
love and our availability and invite them to discover their Savior personally, but sometimes
we are unable to generate a solution or a solution quickly.
“Second...Your kids benefit even when you mess up...You’re...not a bad parent
if you make mistakes on a regular basis. What you are is human. The fact is that
none of us are perfect, especially when it comes time to deal with our kids’ behavior.
Sometimes we handle ourselves well and feel proud of how loving, understanding,
and patient we remain. At other times, we lower ourselves to our kids’ level and
resort to the childishness that upset us in the first place…[but even when we make
mistakes], those not-so-great parenting moments are not necessarily such bad
things for our kids to have to go through. In fact, they’re actually incredibly valuable”
(Siegel & Bryson...217, 218).
if you make mistakes on a regular basis. What you are is human. The fact is that
none of us are perfect, especially when it comes time to deal with our kids’ behavior.
Sometimes we handle ourselves well and feel proud of how loving, understanding,
and patient we remain. At other times, we lower ourselves to our kids’ level and
resort to the childishness that upset us in the first place…[but even when we make
mistakes], those not-so-great parenting moments are not necessarily such bad
things for our kids to have to go through. In fact, they’re actually incredibly valuable”
(Siegel & Bryson...217, 218).
With the exception of abuse, our mistakes can present wonderful learning
opportunities for our child. They learn from the times we respond well and
model good management of our emotions and behaviors.
opportunities for our child. They learn from the times we respond well and
model good management of our emotions and behaviors.
They also can learn from the times we completely blow it. As we come back
and admit that we were wrong, take responsibility for our words or actions,
seek their forgiveness, teach them about the Atonement and working in Christ’s
strength, and try harder the next time, they can learn what it takes to keep
relationships healthy. Our children are watching and learning from everything
we do and can benefit equally from our times of failure as well as our success.
For example, I picked up the bad habit of cussing while going through our
recovery work. I love that my kids have watched me work on improving here
with their front-row seats. I believe they have learned more lessons that can
apply to their own lives by watching me work on it than if they somehow
had a perfect mom.
and admit that we were wrong, take responsibility for our words or actions,
seek their forgiveness, teach them about the Atonement and working in Christ’s
strength, and try harder the next time, they can learn what it takes to keep
relationships healthy. Our children are watching and learning from everything
we do and can benefit equally from our times of failure as well as our success.
For example, I picked up the bad habit of cussing while going through our
recovery work. I love that my kids have watched me work on improving here
with their front-row seats. I believe they have learned more lessons that can
apply to their own lives by watching me work on it than if they somehow
had a perfect mom.
Third, you can always reconnect. It is inevitable that parents and children
will not always get along perfectly all of the time. When conflict or situations
arise that we make mistakes and hurt our child, we can make amends and
repair the relationship by seeking to reconnect with our child. This is best
when done as quickly as possible, but knowing that immediately after such
a rupture may not be the right time. It’s also best if offered from the parent’s
end rather than the child’s. Staying close to our children is important for our
ministering to have a significant impact on our children’s journeys. When
ruptures occur, we want to jumpstart that connection as quickly as possible
so our child isn’t facing obstacles alone.
will not always get along perfectly all of the time. When conflict or situations
arise that we make mistakes and hurt our child, we can make amends and
repair the relationship by seeking to reconnect with our child. This is best
when done as quickly as possible, but knowing that immediately after such
a rupture may not be the right time. It’s also best if offered from the parent’s
end rather than the child’s. Staying close to our children is important for our
ministering to have a significant impact on our children’s journeys. When
ruptures occur, we want to jumpstart that connection as quickly as possible
so our child isn’t facing obstacles alone.
Again, although it’s ideal for a rupture to not ever occur in the first place,
there are lessons a child can learn if the rupture is followed by a reconnection
in the relationship. Practicing these skills can help them in their relationships
with other people as they grow into adulthood. Ruptures, and the need for repair,
is a natural part of relationships and they benefit from learning this in their
relationship with a parent (see Siegel & Bryson...219-221). Again, I believe it
gives us the opportunity to model using the Atonement personally, and that
can be a form of ministering for our child because such experiences could
very well help him to find his Savior personally.
there are lessons a child can learn if the rupture is followed by a reconnection
in the relationship. Practicing these skills can help them in their relationships
with other people as they grow into adulthood. Ruptures, and the need for repair,
is a natural part of relationships and they benefit from learning this in their
relationship with a parent (see Siegel & Bryson...219-221). Again, I believe it
gives us the opportunity to model using the Atonement personally, and that
can be a form of ministering for our child because such experiences could
very well help him to find his Savior personally.
The fourth message of hope is that it’s never too late to make a positive
change. Do some research about neuroplasticity of the brain. It means
the brain is capable of being molded and changed, regardless of a person’s
age. No matter how old your child is, even the child who is grown and no
longer living with you, a child will benefit from your offering of positive
changes in the ways you parent (see Siegel & Bryson...222-223).
change. Do some research about neuroplasticity of the brain. It means
the brain is capable of being molded and changed, regardless of a person’s
age. No matter how old your child is, even the child who is grown and no
longer living with you, a child will benefit from your offering of positive
changes in the ways you parent (see Siegel & Bryson...222-223).
In a gospel context, God offers the same message of hope. Although our
actions cannot be undone, we can be forgiven for our parenting mishaps
whether they are small or they left a destructive path of damage. That can
be a powerful lesson in ministering as our child watches the Atonement in
action modeled in the details of our own discipleship.
actions cannot be undone, we can be forgiven for our parenting mishaps
whether they are small or they left a destructive path of damage. That can
be a powerful lesson in ministering as our child watches the Atonement in
action modeled in the details of our own discipleship.
As I prayed during those painful years of realizing my harmful mistakes
as a parent, my answer was always the same. “Just as you needed a
journey to come unto Christ, so do your children. By nature of your being
their mother, this journey will include you, but all you can do is point them
to the One who can heal the hurt and repair the damage. You can’t fix it,
but Christ can!” What wonderful messages of hope to parents struggling everywhere!
as a parent, my answer was always the same. “Just as you needed a
journey to come unto Christ, so do your children. By nature of your being
their mother, this journey will include you, but all you can do is point them
to the One who can heal the hurt and repair the damage. You can’t fix it,
but Christ can!” What wonderful messages of hope to parents struggling everywhere!
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