We need to dig deeper on shame for a moment because I think this
next section will make more sense if we do. Shame needs three things to
grow 1. Secrecy 2. Silence 3. Judgement. If you douse shame with
vulnerability met with empathy it cannot survive (Berne Brown, I Thought
it was Just Me…, 32).
next section will make more sense if we do. Shame needs three things to
grow 1. Secrecy 2. Silence 3. Judgement. If you douse shame with
vulnerability met with empathy it cannot survive (Berne Brown, I Thought
it was Just Me…, 32).
When our spouse opens up the deepest, most shame-drenched
experiences (past or present) and we judge them, they immediately slam
back shut. They not only clamp down, but they also bury deeper because
they vow not to go through that again. The judgement was there and because
of our negative response---our recoil from what was shared---now the other two
elements are back helping that shame to fester and grow.
experiences (past or present) and we judge them, they immediately slam
back shut. They not only clamp down, but they also bury deeper because
they vow not to go through that again. The judgement was there and because
of our negative response---our recoil from what was shared---now the other two
elements are back helping that shame to fester and grow.
Empathy means that even though we may not have the exact life experience
the other person it talking about, we can touch that part of us that knows what
that feels like (find a page reference for this). We all know what rejection feels like.
We have had experiences that made us feel embarrassed, inadequate, alone, etc.
When someone, especially our spouse, is sharing with us, we can learn to meet
what they say with empathy---to touch that part of ourselves that knows how it feels
to experience what they are describing (and then express that).
the other person it talking about, we can touch that part of us that knows what
that feels like (find a page reference for this). We all know what rejection feels like.
We have had experiences that made us feel embarrassed, inadequate, alone, etc.
When someone, especially our spouse, is sharing with us, we can learn to meet
what they say with empathy---to touch that part of ourselves that knows how it feels
to experience what they are describing (and then express that).
Empathy is vital, especially in the critical moments when shame is uncovered
and carefully placed into your hands with the expectation that you will respond to it.
When done well, can you see how we can help and support each other as spouses
to snuff out Satan’s attempts to hold us captive with shameful lies? As we support
each other to find Truth, we are once again, pointing each other to Jesus Christ and
His healing balm and strength.
and carefully placed into your hands with the expectation that you will respond to it.
When done well, can you see how we can help and support each other as spouses
to snuff out Satan’s attempts to hold us captive with shameful lies? As we support
each other to find Truth, we are once again, pointing each other to Jesus Christ and
His healing balm and strength.
If we pass this first test by meeting shame with empathy, our spouse will likely
open up to us and be willing to let us in. Once allowed into the details of the
situation of our spouse’s mind and heart, we can be a sounding board as they
prod and poke around in exploration and discovery. We can help offer the inspired
counter Truths to combat the lies. These principles apply to any relationship or
situation where we have the privilege to “sit in it” for others. We must tread carefully
or the opportunity may not come again, or come as easily again.
open up to us and be willing to let us in. Once allowed into the details of the
situation of our spouse’s mind and heart, we can be a sounding board as they
prod and poke around in exploration and discovery. We can help offer the inspired
counter Truths to combat the lies. These principles apply to any relationship or
situation where we have the privilege to “sit in it” for others. We must tread carefully
or the opportunity may not come again, or come as easily again.
As we seek to nourish our marriages---to grow strong marriages and to keep
them strong---it requires our best time, focus, attention, and effort. Now being
on the other end, it’s difficult for me to hear couples say things like, “We don’t
have time for a date night” or “We can’t afford a babysitter to go out.” I wonder
what it would be like to observe ourselves here.
them strong---it requires our best time, focus, attention, and effort. Now being
on the other end, it’s difficult for me to hear couples say things like, “We don’t
have time for a date night” or “We can’t afford a babysitter to go out.” I wonder
what it would be like to observe ourselves here.
From my personal experience, it was much more expensive long-term to
skip out on these opportunities to grow a strong marriage and keep it strong.
We found that the repair later cost us more monetarily and also mentally and
emotionally. We had to pay the price later for expensive counseling and extensive
work in therapy to fix our marriage that had gone downhill and now required critical care!
skip out on these opportunities to grow a strong marriage and keep it strong.
We found that the repair later cost us more monetarily and also mentally and
emotionally. We had to pay the price later for expensive counseling and extensive
work in therapy to fix our marriage that had gone downhill and now required critical care!
What does nourishing our marriage relationship have to do with ministering?
Everything. How can we expect to know how to point our spouse to Christ in this
critical role if we don’t really know them that well? Why would they be willing to let
us in if they can’t predict what we would do in that vulnerable space? Nourishing
our marriage opens the door for opportunities to minister to our spouse with power
and tenderness.
Everything. How can we expect to know how to point our spouse to Christ in this
critical role if we don’t really know them that well? Why would they be willing to let
us in if they can’t predict what we would do in that vulnerable space? Nourishing
our marriage opens the door for opportunities to minister to our spouse with power
and tenderness.
Sometimes these thing I am going to show you aren’t enough. Again, get
help as you need it, but for healthy marriages, they should be a simple course
correction at this preventative point. For marriages that are struggling, they may
be the additions that can lean the marriage over into healthy. For healing marriages
and maintaining strong marriage, they are a must. So do yourself a favor and head
off big problems in the future by seemingly small and simple action today!
help as you need it, but for healthy marriages, they should be a simple course
correction at this preventative point. For marriages that are struggling, they may
be the additions that can lean the marriage over into healthy. For healing marriages
and maintaining strong marriage, they are a must. So do yourself a favor and head
off big problems in the future by seemingly small and simple action today!
Have a weekly, connecting date night.
Why?: Time together is important. This is the person you plan to be with forever.
Don’t you think you should get to know him or her then and continue to know them as
they grown and change?! When are you going to learn to live with this person, let alone
like living with this person? Nurturing any relationship requires time together. Don’t you
think this very special relationship deserves special time on a regular basis? Time away
from the normal demands of your daily life can also refresh you. As you do various
activities together, it can bring you together, help you enjoy one another's company, and
create positive associations and memories. I know personally that for spouses of sex
or pornography addicts there can be major trust and safety issues with this. Hold tight
because there are rules and requirements for weekly date night. Here they are right now:
Don’t you think you should get to know him or her then and continue to know them as
they grown and change?! When are you going to learn to live with this person, let alone
like living with this person? Nurturing any relationship requires time together. Don’t you
think this very special relationship deserves special time on a regular basis? Time away
from the normal demands of your daily life can also refresh you. As you do various
activities together, it can bring you together, help you enjoy one another's company, and
create positive associations and memories. I know personally that for spouses of sex
or pornography addicts there can be major trust and safety issues with this. Hold tight
because there are rules and requirements for weekly date night. Here they are right now:
What?: You have to keep the rules (underlined), or it won’t work. It must be at least
one hour of connecting time. Connecting time means you are focused on each other
and you can talk together. A concert, movie, or double date with other couples does
not meet this criteria unless your date is longer and you spend an hour maybe at dinner
or getting ice cream afterwards or it’s a 30 minutes drive one way. Sometimes you have
to get creative, but take this seriously or you won’t get the same results!
one hour of connecting time. Connecting time means you are focused on each other
and you can talk together. A concert, movie, or double date with other couples does
not meet this criteria unless your date is longer and you spend an hour maybe at dinner
or getting ice cream afterwards or it’s a 30 minutes drive one way. Sometimes you have
to get creative, but take this seriously or you won’t get the same results!
You cannot discuss hot topics such as recovery work (for addiction couples), in-laws,
money, the kids, or anything else that would be likely to bring up conflict or hard feelings.
It’s not a time to argue with or criticize each other. Agree to steer clear of anything that
would come even close to these things so it can be the positive and connecting time
you are intending it to be.
money, the kids, or anything else that would be likely to bring up conflict or hard feelings.
It’s not a time to argue with or criticize each other. Agree to steer clear of anything that
would come even close to these things so it can be the positive and connecting time
you are intending it to be.
This is your chance to set aside all of the daily grind and just enjoy being
together. Some of our favorite date nights have been the most silly activities
we could come up with. Introducing weekly date night came at a time when
we were completely broke already. Every spare penny (and then some) was
being poured into good professional help and counseling on top of the effects
of recent unemployment. We literally had a $0 budget for our date nights back
then.
together. Some of our favorite date nights have been the most silly activities
we could come up with. Introducing weekly date night came at a time when
we were completely broke already. Every spare penny (and then some) was
being poured into good professional help and counseling on top of the effects
of recent unemployment. We literally had a $0 budget for our date nights back
then.
One night we made a music video by taking short clips of us doing
random things, then splicing it all together and adding music. Another
time we made fill-in-the-blank stories where one spouse wrote the story
and blanks (this blank is filled in with a noun, the next one a place, etc.)
and the other spouse filled in the blanks. We laughed to tears during these,
and similar date nights! These date nights were critical to our being able to
weather through the rigors of addiction recovery. Even now as we no longer
have to pay conscious attention to our recoveries, we still need this time
together. I think we look forward to date night now just as much as we did
back then, but in different ways.
random things, then splicing it all together and adding music. Another
time we made fill-in-the-blank stories where one spouse wrote the story
and blanks (this blank is filled in with a noun, the next one a place, etc.)
and the other spouse filled in the blanks. We laughed to tears during these,
and similar date nights! These date nights were critical to our being able to
weather through the rigors of addiction recovery. Even now as we no longer
have to pay conscious attention to our recoveries, we still need this time
together. I think we look forward to date night now just as much as we did
back then, but in different ways.
When?: Date nights need to happen every week. (1 hour/week minimum).
How?: If money is tight, get creative. Maybe you can swap babysitting with
another couple. Maybe you have someone who loves you enough to babysit
for free (thank you to both of our moms!). Maybe you can try our go-to when
money was tight. We called them at-home-dates. Once the kids were all
tucked in, we had our date nights. You do realize it isn’t a date if you have
the kids around you, right?
another couple. Maybe you have someone who loves you enough to babysit
for free (thank you to both of our moms!). Maybe you can try our go-to when
money was tight. We called them at-home-dates. Once the kids were all
tucked in, we had our date nights. You do realize it isn’t a date if you have
the kids around you, right?
We have found a pre-scheduled, never to be canceled
(only-to-be-rescheduled-to -another-night-in-extreme-scheduling-conflicts)
night of the week to be of most help for us.
(only-to-be-rescheduled-to -another-night-in-extreme-scheduling-conflicts)
night of the week to be of most help for us.
Whatever the obstacles you come up with on how to make this happen,
brainstorm as a couple and take it to the Lord together. He will help you
overcome these challenges because He cares about both of you and He
wants your marriage to succeed and thrive!
brainstorm as a couple and take it to the Lord together. He will help you
overcome these challenges because He cares about both of you and He
wants your marriage to succeed and thrive!
Check-ins:
Normal, healthy marriages have what is often referred to as “pillow talk.”
If you have gotten to a place of communication barriers or emotional build
up, then check-ins may be helpful. We found them to be almost like a set
of training wheels to our communication.
If you have gotten to a place of communication barriers or emotional build
up, then check-ins may be helpful. We found them to be almost like a set
of training wheels to our communication.
I had completely forgotten this story until typing this. Our communication
had gotten so bad that during a marriage counseling session one counselor
took his pen and as he held it up and looked at us he said, “This is the talking
baton. You can only talk if you are holding the talking baton.”
had gotten so bad that during a marriage counseling session one counselor
took his pen and as he held it up and looked at us he said, “This is the talking
baton. You can only talk if you are holding the talking baton.”
We had to use a “talking baton” at home on even simple discussions
with topics you wouldn’t expect to cause so much emotional charge.
Any of my good friends now hopefully are laughing out loud because Mark
and I usually communicate wonderfully. Most times it is even in the first
discussion, but it was really that bad (and even worse) at the peak of our
high walls keeping each other shut out.
with topics you wouldn’t expect to cause so much emotional charge.
Any of my good friends now hopefully are laughing out loud because Mark
and I usually communicate wonderfully. Most times it is even in the first
discussion, but it was really that bad (and even worse) at the peak of our
high walls keeping each other shut out.
Check-ins were much better than the talking baton as long as we
followed the rules. Thankfully we have grown out of the strict rigidity,
but the rules allowed us to be able to communicate safely with each
other at this tender and critical time of rebuilding.
followed the rules. Thankfully we have grown out of the strict rigidity,
but the rules allowed us to be able to communicate safely with each
other at this tender and critical time of rebuilding.
I know of couples who didn’t follow the rules and check-ins turned into
a time to tear each other down, belittle or criticize, or argue with each
other. That causes so much damage, so be careful!
a time to tear each other down, belittle or criticize, or argue with each
other. That causes so much damage, so be careful!
Rules (underlined) for 9 Core Emotions:
You must be able to commit to do this daily for at least two months.
It does not work if you are inconsistent because the emotions build
back up and can even come out “sideways” in deferred anger (a
spouse may be upset from something at work or with the kids, but
ends up taking it out on the other spouse). Each spouse will have
the chance to share his/her core emotions for the day (and report
sobriety and trauma responses for couples working through addiction
recovery/betrayal trauma healing).
It does not work if you are inconsistent because the emotions build
back up and can even come out “sideways” in deferred anger (a
spouse may be upset from something at work or with the kids, but
ends up taking it out on the other spouse). Each spouse will have
the chance to share his/her core emotions for the day (and report
sobriety and trauma responses for couples working through addiction
recovery/betrayal trauma healing).
No cross-talk. That means 1. You do not interrupt each other. If one spouse
is talking, they get to finish their entire check-in time before you can talk. Your
job when the other spouse is sharing is to intently listen. 2. You do not
comment directly about what the other spouse said even when it’s your turn
to share. This can quickly turn into an argument! It would, however be
appropriate to comment about the same event because it may be part of
your check-in too. Reiterating or defending what your spouse said is a no-no.
is talking, they get to finish their entire check-in time before you can talk. Your
job when the other spouse is sharing is to intently listen. 2. You do not
comment directly about what the other spouse said even when it’s your turn
to share. This can quickly turn into an argument! It would, however be
appropriate to comment about the same event because it may be part of
your check-in too. Reiterating or defending what your spouse said is a no-no.
Along those lines, use “I statements.” Listen to this same sentenced
phrased in two different ways. “I felt angry when you said that.” vs.
“You made me so mad when you said that.” Which feels less threatening?
The first one, right? When we use the second one, it triggers the fight, flight,
or freeze mechanisms on our spouse! He/she is all geared up for a fight!
phrased in two different ways. “I felt angry when you said that.” vs.
“You made me so mad when you said that.” Which feels less threatening?
The first one, right? When we use the second one, it triggers the fight, flight,
or freeze mechanisms on our spouse! He/she is all geared up for a fight!
Figure out what you need to make it work. For example, I usually sleep
like a rock. My husband, however, found that doing check-ins right
before bed was too hard for him. When check-ins were difficult or
more emotionally charged, he had a hard time rolling over and going
to sleep like I usually did. We finally, at his suggestion, moved our
check-ins to his lunch break. It worked well because it gave us time
to cool off if anything got touchy and we were usually ready revisit it
and resolve it again before going to bed.
like a rock. My husband, however, found that doing check-ins right
before bed was too hard for him. When check-ins were difficult or
more emotionally charged, he had a hard time rolling over and going
to sleep like I usually did. We finally, at his suggestion, moved our
check-ins to his lunch break. It worked well because it gave us time
to cool off if anything got touchy and we were usually ready revisit it
and resolve it again before going to bed.
Take a time out of it isn’t working. Just like with pulling out of the drama
triangle, rather than pointing out our spouse’s breaking of the rules, we
can “own it” from our side of the interdependence triangle by saying
something like, “I don’t feel safe to finish this right now. It hurts me
when you cross-talk or use this time to argue. Can we please try
again in 20 minutes? I’m going to go for a walk.” That is different from,
“You just cross-talked again,” right?
triangle, rather than pointing out our spouse’s breaking of the rules, we
can “own it” from our side of the interdependence triangle by saying
something like, “I don’t feel safe to finish this right now. It hurts me
when you cross-talk or use this time to argue. Can we please try
again in 20 minutes? I’m going to go for a walk.” That is different from,
“You just cross-talked again,” right?
I will tell you the 9 core emotions in just a moment. How do you want
to organize the sharing? You decide which you like better. You can either
take turns sharing one emotion at a time (husband: anger, wife: anger,
husband: sadness, wife: sadness, etc.) or one spouse shares all 9
core emotions then the other spouse shares all 9 core emotions.
to organize the sharing? You decide which you like better. You can either
take turns sharing one emotion at a time (husband: anger, wife: anger,
husband: sadness, wife: sadness, etc.) or one spouse shares all 9
core emotions then the other spouse shares all 9 core emotions.
You simply share when you experienced that emotion during the day.
If you didn’t experience that particular emotion then you just skip over it.
After you have both shared, that is all.
If you didn’t experience that particular emotion then you just skip over it.
After you have both shared, that is all.
Again, it isn’t a time to argue with each other or to defend ourselves,
and try to convince the other spouse that they couldn’t possibly feel
the emotion they felt (especially those triggered by our own words actions).
In order for this to work now and in the future, it must be safe! Remember
our shame revisit a moment ago. We want to keep communication open
and meet vulnerability with empathy, not judgement.
and try to convince the other spouse that they couldn’t possibly feel
the emotion they felt (especially those triggered by our own words actions).
In order for this to work now and in the future, it must be safe! Remember
our shame revisit a moment ago. We want to keep communication open
and meet vulnerability with empathy, not judgement.
It took us a few years to not have to keep a checklist approach to this. Now
we have not only graduated from “the talking baton,” but also from such a
formal check-in. We will never outgrow check-ins; however, we have
consistently established enough safety for each other that we can freely
cross-talk and it’s actually safe and comfortable to do so.
we have not only graduated from “the talking baton,” but also from such a
formal check-in. We will never outgrow check-ins; however, we have
consistently established enough safety for each other that we can freely
cross-talk and it’s actually safe and comfortable to do so.
We can now ask the other spouse to tell us more about what they shared
or ask if they want to know what we were thinking when we said or did
something that hurt them. We still have to be respectful of each other
and each other’s feelings, but we no longer need to rigidly adhere to
these rules like we used to. After decades of build up, I can imagine
this may be a more complex process and may require more time, but
as a couple follows the rules and consistently holds check-ins every day,
this can be a powerful tool.
or ask if they want to know what we were thinking when we said or did
something that hurt them. We still have to be respectful of each other
and each other’s feelings, but we no longer need to rigidly adhere to
these rules like we used to. After decades of build up, I can imagine
this may be a more complex process and may require more time, but
as a couple follows the rules and consistently holds check-ins every day,
this can be a powerful tool.
The 9 emotions (in no particular order): Love, joy, passion, anger,
fear, sadness, pain, guilt, and shame. I love that we share not only
negative emotions, but also positive emotions as well. After our time
together, can you see why this is such a great exercise for the individuals
(aside from the great opportunity to connect with each other)? Look at
what you potentially uncovered by doing this: “Emotions,” traumatic events,
maybe even “Actions/Behaviors,” “Beliefs,” “Thought(s),” and “Inputs.”
Look at how this sets you up to take a closer look at your day and partner
with God to do something about it! Notice the wonderful opportunity to also
daily minister, or point your spouse to their Savior!
fear, sadness, pain, guilt, and shame. I love that we share not only
negative emotions, but also positive emotions as well. After our time
together, can you see why this is such a great exercise for the individuals
(aside from the great opportunity to connect with each other)? Look at
what you potentially uncovered by doing this: “Emotions,” traumatic events,
maybe even “Actions/Behaviors,” “Beliefs,” “Thought(s),” and “Inputs.”
Look at how this sets you up to take a closer look at your day and partner
with God to do something about it! Notice the wonderful opportunity to also
daily minister, or point your spouse to their Savior!
Safety Scripts for Disclosures:
Because addiction recovery has been part of our lives, our check-ins
also included two additional steps (and now are addressed as needed).
First, this was Mark’s chance to disclose any slips or relapses.
This part of our check-in’s also had rules (underlined).
also included two additional steps (and now are addressed as needed).
First, this was Mark’s chance to disclose any slips or relapses.
This part of our check-in’s also had rules (underlined).
He had 24 hours to tell me when there has been a slip. We counted
not only current slips, but also any undisclosed past slips or event that
came to his attention or memory that day. We chose to include triggers
here as well. Not every spouse wants to know triggers, but I do. When
I only know part of the story, my mind tends to race more to try to fill in
the missing details. He would tell me anything that was tempting or
actually triggered his addiction cycle. Some days were hard as I got
a double-whammy of present and past disclosures.
not only current slips, but also any undisclosed past slips or event that
came to his attention or memory that day. We chose to include triggers
here as well. Not every spouse wants to know triggers, but I do. When
I only know part of the story, my mind tends to race more to try to fill in
the missing details. He would tell me anything that was tempting or
actually triggered his addiction cycle. Some days were hard as I got
a double-whammy of present and past disclosures.
I have 24 hours to process it. I will share a script that will help you
with this in just a moment. What I mean by “process it” is that I don’t
give him the full brunt of how I feel. He needs to know how I feel
(but only the jist of it for right now).
with this in just a moment. What I mean by “process it” is that I don’t
give him the full brunt of how I feel. He needs to know how I feel
(but only the jist of it for right now).
Usually when a husband discloses, it stirs up shame in the wife---
those faulty core beliefs, or Satan’s lies that harp on why our loved one
has chosen addiction. “It’s because I’m not: good enough, loveable,
worth loving, worth protecting,” and the list goes on and on in personally
tailored ways based on her past experiences.
those faulty core beliefs, or Satan’s lies that harp on why our loved one
has chosen addiction. “It’s because I’m not: good enough, loveable,
worth loving, worth protecting,” and the list goes on and on in personally
tailored ways based on her past experiences.
The wife also can feel gender specific shame related to not being able
to do everything for everybody all of the time (Berne Brown, I Thought it
was Just Me…,32). Remember that shame is a powerful
emotion and if we don’t regulate it, it will likely spill out as actions we
will soon regret. For wives battling betrayal trauma, it’s important to
recognize that just like our husbands can be tempted to go into shame
rather than validate us, we too can unintentionally disconnect at this
delicate time when they need our support.
to do everything for everybody all of the time (Berne Brown, I Thought it
was Just Me…,32). Remember that shame is a powerful
emotion and if we don’t regulate it, it will likely spill out as actions we
will soon regret. For wives battling betrayal trauma, it’s important to
recognize that just like our husbands can be tempted to go into shame
rather than validate us, we too can unintentionally disconnect at this
delicate time when they need our support.
Remember that husbands can be likely to be in shame after disclosing,
too. Not only are they beating themselves up for being, “Such an idiot,”
because they “swore they would never do it again,” but also your response
as a wife to his disclosure can heap on more shame. As a man, he feels
the shame of not being able to protect you, especially when the thing he
needs to protect you from is actually himself. A man feels shame when
he can’t fix the problem or take away the hurt. This moment of disclosure
is a pivotal moment for both husband and wife.
too. Not only are they beating themselves up for being, “Such an idiot,”
because they “swore they would never do it again,” but also your response
as a wife to his disclosure can heap on more shame. As a man, he feels
the shame of not being able to protect you, especially when the thing he
needs to protect you from is actually himself. A man feels shame when
he can’t fix the problem or take away the hurt. This moment of disclosure
is a pivotal moment for both husband and wife.
Here is a script for disclosing slips that worked like a charm for us,
“Thank you for telling me (because you really are happy he told you
and you want to use positive reinforcement to help that honesty and
transparency to continue in the future). I feel _____(angry, hurt, how
do you feel? It’s okay to say more than one). I need to finish this
conversation______(at least 24 hours out).”
“Thank you for telling me (because you really are happy he told you
and you want to use positive reinforcement to help that honesty and
transparency to continue in the future). I feel _____(angry, hurt, how
do you feel? It’s okay to say more than one). I need to finish this
conversation______(at least 24 hours out).”
Then you decide a time at least 24 hours out from now to revisit it. In
that 24 hours do whatever you need to do in order to work through it.
For some of my friends that meant they packed a bag and spent a night
in a hotel or on a friend’s couch. Usually for me it meant extra and
purposeful self-care. Sometimes it means we reach out to a trusted friend,
but it should always include getting on our knees in prayer!
that 24 hours do whatever you need to do in order to work through it.
For some of my friends that meant they packed a bag and spent a night
in a hotel or on a friend’s couch. Usually for me it meant extra and
purposeful self-care. Sometimes it means we reach out to a trusted friend,
but it should always include getting on our knees in prayer!
Sometimes these prayers can be agonizing as we pour out our broken
hearts to God. But he hears us. He listens to all our prayers and answers
them---even those that include angry or bitter words directed towards Him
or our current circumstances. Remember to abide in Christ, especially in
devastating moments like this. He is right there and you can lean on Him.
hearts to God. But he hears us. He listens to all our prayers and answers
them---even those that include angry or bitter words directed towards Him
or our current circumstances. Remember to abide in Christ, especially in
devastating moments like this. He is right there and you can lean on Him.
In 24 hours you see how it feels when you come back together. Can you
stay out of shame? Can you see how your spouse feels and validate those
feelings? Can you be tender enough with each other yet? Sometimes it’s
still too touchy, so you simply reschedule it. Like I said before, you can
bump it out as far or as many times as you need to as long as you always
come back to finish it. In order to resolve this, it requires that you are both
respectful and empathetic to each other. It’s okay if it takes a few tries before
that can be achieved.
stay out of shame? Can you see how your spouse feels and validate those
feelings? Can you be tender enough with each other yet? Sometimes it’s
still too touchy, so you simply reschedule it. Like I said before, you can
bump it out as far or as many times as you need to as long as you always
come back to finish it. In order to resolve this, it requires that you are both
respectful and empathetic to each other. It’s okay if it takes a few tries before
that can be achieved.
Second, disclosure later included my disclosing of triggers, trauma,
and trauma responses from the day. Now it was my husband’s turn
to learn to be a safe place for me. It was hard enough at first just to
admit when these came up during my day. On the surface, many of
these triggers seemed so silly. I felt like I was completely falling apart
as little things throughout my day constantly left me in adult tantrums
or meltdowns.
and trauma responses from the day. Now it was my husband’s turn
to learn to be a safe place for me. It was hard enough at first just to
admit when these came up during my day. On the surface, many of
these triggers seemed so silly. I felt like I was completely falling apart
as little things throughout my day constantly left me in adult tantrums
or meltdowns.
But I know more now about triggers, trauma, and betrayal trauma than
I did then back then. Because of what we have discussed, you know
that this was my chance to really pin down what had happened and to
do something about it for the future. The “Actions/Behaviors” and “Emotions”
were red flags to what was beneath and by leaning into this, I could really
discover the roots.
I did then back then. Because of what we have discussed, you know
that this was my chance to really pin down what had happened and to
do something about it for the future. The “Actions/Behaviors” and “Emotions”
were red flags to what was beneath and by leaning into this, I could really
discover the roots.
This was also hard for my husband. Similarly as with my reaction to
his disclosure, it stirs shame in him. He felt broken because he couldn’t
fix it. He was the one who “did this to me.” He had to learn to curb his
innate response in order to be able to “sit in it” with me and to tenderly
validate my experiences. Before he was taught the script I showed you
in the Trauma Triangle section, he would normally go into shame and
completely shut down. As he looked out at me from this filter of shame,
he couldn’t see that what I was saying was actually about me, not him.
his disclosure, it stirs shame in him. He felt broken because he couldn’t
fix it. He was the one who “did this to me.” He had to learn to curb his
innate response in order to be able to “sit in it” with me and to tenderly
validate my experiences. Before he was taught the script I showed you
in the Trauma Triangle section, he would normally go into shame and
completely shut down. As he looked out at me from this filter of shame,
he couldn’t see that what I was saying was actually about me, not him.
Yes, his “Actions/Behaviors” caused the trauma, but I was talking about
my feelings and experiences, not his. As he used this script for the first
time, I physically felt myself relax. I wanted to shout, “YES!” I felt heard!
For the first time he actually understood me. He later told me he actually
didn’t yet, but after more practice and education on trauma, and specifically
betrayal trauma in our situation, he finally did begin to really get where I was
coming from. So husbands, use that script for check-ins, too.
my feelings and experiences, not his. As he used this script for the first
time, I physically felt myself relax. I wanted to shout, “YES!” I felt heard!
For the first time he actually understood me. He later told me he actually
didn’t yet, but after more practice and education on trauma, and specifically
betrayal trauma in our situation, he finally did begin to really get where I was
coming from. So husbands, use that script for check-ins, too.
I know this is hard and heavy stuff, but can you see the opportunities for growth?
Over time I have learned that when there are things that are bothering me about
my husband, he is actually holding up a mirror. When he does something as big
as triggering a trauma response or as small as bordering on annoying, it isn’t
actually about him. It’s about me and what is going on inside of me. As I address
what is inside of me then I can be a clear instrument to assist others in their own
journeys.
Over time I have learned that when there are things that are bothering me about
my husband, he is actually holding up a mirror. When he does something as big
as triggering a trauma response or as small as bordering on annoying, it isn’t
actually about him. It’s about me and what is going on inside of me. As I address
what is inside of me then I can be a clear instrument to assist others in their own
journeys.
Marriage creates unique opportunities for us to more closely examine ourselves.
By Divine design, it can easily point out “Actions/Behaviors,” “Emotions,” or
“Thought(s)” that need our attention to resolve. Although in a marriage we
are now interacting with more than just ourselves, the same principles and
patterns apply as we seek to be a better spouse and point each other to
Christ so we can have a strong marriage for our posterity.
By Divine design, it can easily point out “Actions/Behaviors,” “Emotions,” or
“Thought(s)” that need our attention to resolve. Although in a marriage we
are now interacting with more than just ourselves, the same principles and
patterns apply as we seek to be a better spouse and point each other to
Christ so we can have a strong marriage for our posterity.
And remember how we left off talking about charity in the last chapter. Because
we are filled with charity, this process can be made easier and lighter than trying
to work on our marriage in our own strength. As we allow Christ to add a big dose
of charity to our interactions with our spouse, it will change everything for both of us.
we are filled with charity, this process can be made easier and lighter than trying
to work on our marriage in our own strength. As we allow Christ to add a big dose
of charity to our interactions with our spouse, it will change everything for both of us.
I have one last thought and then we will close this chapter. There is a
sharing opportunity here. When we find joy, when we have things that
are working well for us in our marriages---even if they haven’t been in the
past and knowing full-well that nobody has a perfect marriage---we can
stand up and preach what we are practicing.
sharing opportunity here. When we find joy, when we have things that
are working well for us in our marriages---even if they haven’t been in the
past and knowing full-well that nobody has a perfect marriage---we can
stand up and preach what we are practicing.
People may simply need some encouragement or someone who will
teach them in order to do the same things for themselves and their
own marriages and families. I’m not talking about the fake plastic
smiles posted on social media where everybody is happy all of the time.
I am talking about sharing things that are really working to bring you
closer together towards Jesus Christ.
teach them in order to do the same things for themselves and their
own marriages and families. I’m not talking about the fake plastic
smiles posted on social media where everybody is happy all of the time.
I am talking about sharing things that are really working to bring you
closer together towards Jesus Christ.
"Deseret News opinion editor Hal Boyd cited one example of the
disservice inherent in staying silent. He noted that while the idea of
marriage is still a matter of 'intellectual debate' among elites in American
society, marriage itself is not a matter of debate for them in practice.
‘Elites get and stay married and make sure their kids enjoy the benefits
of stable marriage.’ … The problem, however, is that [they] tend not to
preach what they practice.' They don’t want to 'impose' on those who
really could use their moral leadership, but 'it is perhaps time for those
with education and strong families to stop feigning neutrality and start
preaching what they practice pertaining to marriage and parenting …
[and] help their fellow Americans embrace it.'" (Source, emphasis added).
disservice inherent in staying silent. He noted that while the idea of
marriage is still a matter of 'intellectual debate' among elites in American
society, marriage itself is not a matter of debate for them in practice.
‘Elites get and stay married and make sure their kids enjoy the benefits
of stable marriage.’ … The problem, however, is that [they] tend not to
preach what they practice.' They don’t want to 'impose' on those who
really could use their moral leadership, but 'it is perhaps time for those
with education and strong families to stop feigning neutrality and start
preaching what they practice pertaining to marriage and parenting …
[and] help their fellow Americans embrace it.'" (Source, emphasis added).
When we find things that work well for our marriages, as we live
by correct principles and find joy in keeping the commandments,
we can stand up for marriage. We can be a voice of support for
strong marriages. We can share our joy and happiness that may
open the door to someone else's discovery. Ministering in our own
marriages can ripple out as we model that for our own children as
well as other individuals and couples who are seeking to understand
how this leg of their journey can be more Christ-centered. What beautiful
privileges can be opened up as we minister from the inside out.
by correct principles and find joy in keeping the commandments,
we can stand up for marriage. We can be a voice of support for
strong marriages. We can share our joy and happiness that may
open the door to someone else's discovery. Ministering in our own
marriages can ripple out as we model that for our own children as
well as other individuals and couples who are seeking to understand
how this leg of their journey can be more Christ-centered. What beautiful
privileges can be opened up as we minister from the inside out.
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