My husband, who has more experience supporting a person through betrayal trauma
than I do, suggested the addition of this section. Why would a person in trauma behave
in triangle roles? Can you see how trauma could affect the ways individuals respond
and interact with others, especially with their spouses? This section is written specifically
for individuals who have experienced betrayal trauma in their marriage relationship.
For simplicity, I will refer to the wife as the victim and the husband as the perpetrator;
however, acknowledge that the genders and roles can also be reversed.
than I do, suggested the addition of this section. Why would a person in trauma behave
in triangle roles? Can you see how trauma could affect the ways individuals respond
and interact with others, especially with their spouses? This section is written specifically
for individuals who have experienced betrayal trauma in their marriage relationship.
For simplicity, I will refer to the wife as the victim and the husband as the perpetrator;
however, acknowledge that the genders and roles can also be reversed.
Maybe you want your spouse to read this section or you can gently teach him at a
time when he is receptive. Why is the spouse in trauma doing what they are doing?
Why is she persecuting? Why is she rescuing? Why has she gone into victim?
And if it’s trauma, what does she need to be able to come out of it? What can help her
come up out of the lower brain and shut the fight/flight/freeze response off? What can
help the walls of protection come down?
time when he is receptive. Why is the spouse in trauma doing what they are doing?
Why is she persecuting? Why is she rescuing? Why has she gone into victim?
And if it’s trauma, what does she need to be able to come out of it? What can help her
come up out of the lower brain and shut the fight/flight/freeze response off? What can
help the walls of protection come down?
She needs safety. She needs to be acknowledged and validated. Ideally she will bring
it to you. Ideally she will be able to put it all into words: what she is feeling, what was
the trigger, what is her faulty core belief or Satan’s lie that was stirred, the ways this
moment reminded her of the pain from the past. But she can’t always do that.
Yes, she has waited to contribute to the healing of the marriage until she has
cleared away some or a decent amount of the trauma. She has waited until she is
more aware of her/himself. The marriage needed to wait until she was far enough
down the path of healing. But you had to wait too. Now you have cleared away enough
of your own roots that drove you to sex addiction or whatever form the betrayal took.
You couldn’t have been present for her before. You weren’t safe before when you
kept stabbing her in the heart again with every slip, relapse, and lie.
It’s painful. I’ve seen my own pain mirrored in my husband’s eyes. At first, my husband
wanted to hide from my trauma. He wanted to brush my hurt aside or turn the tables on me
or just hurry through it. It brought up so much shame for him. You see, he couldn’t fulfill his
job as the protector. He couldn’t protect me from the pain---especially since he was the
monster who wounded me so deeply. And that hurt him and made it difficult to sit in these
moments of my own shame.
If you can give her extra safety when you recognize the signs that she is shutting down
even if she doesn’t verbalize it yet, that is what will help you both pull through this together.
It’s asking so much of you, but this is part of the recovery and healing process. It’s part of
taking responsibility for your choices and the ways it has hurt others.
She isn’t crazy. And when she goes into the drama triangle or has unreal emotions or
big “Actions/Behaviors” that on the surface don’t make sense, what she needs is safety.
She is crying out for you to acknowledge the past, pull her out of trauma, and create a
plan of safety for the future.
it to you. Ideally she will be able to put it all into words: what she is feeling, what was
the trigger, what is her faulty core belief or Satan’s lie that was stirred, the ways this
moment reminded her of the pain from the past. But she can’t always do that.
Yes, she has waited to contribute to the healing of the marriage until she has
cleared away some or a decent amount of the trauma. She has waited until she is
more aware of her/himself. The marriage needed to wait until she was far enough
down the path of healing. But you had to wait too. Now you have cleared away enough
of your own roots that drove you to sex addiction or whatever form the betrayal took.
You couldn’t have been present for her before. You weren’t safe before when you
kept stabbing her in the heart again with every slip, relapse, and lie.
It’s painful. I’ve seen my own pain mirrored in my husband’s eyes. At first, my husband
wanted to hide from my trauma. He wanted to brush my hurt aside or turn the tables on me
or just hurry through it. It brought up so much shame for him. You see, he couldn’t fulfill his
job as the protector. He couldn’t protect me from the pain---especially since he was the
monster who wounded me so deeply. And that hurt him and made it difficult to sit in these
moments of my own shame.
If you can give her extra safety when you recognize the signs that she is shutting down
even if she doesn’t verbalize it yet, that is what will help you both pull through this together.
It’s asking so much of you, but this is part of the recovery and healing process. It’s part of
taking responsibility for your choices and the ways it has hurt others.
She isn’t crazy. And when she goes into the drama triangle or has unreal emotions or
big “Actions/Behaviors” that on the surface don’t make sense, what she needs is safety.
She is crying out for you to acknowledge the past, pull her out of trauma, and create a
plan of safety for the future.
I will never forget the first time my husband responded with the following:
“The fact that you…[are reacting and feeling this way right now], is evidence that…
[you have been hurt by my behavior in the past].
“No wife should…[ever have to go through that kind of pain], and for that I am very sorry.
“I want to reassure you that…[I am working on my recovery]. Again, I am sorry.
“What can I do for you right now” (As quoted in Rhyll Croshaw’s book), get page #.
As he said that to me, I literally felt my body begin to relax and my mind coming
back online. For the first time, I felt like my husband understood me! I didn’t even
fully understand myself, yet he said exactly what I needed. I found out later that he
learned it in our group counseling program. Although he memorized this little script
and only made slight adaptations to it between uses as he first began practicing
with it, it worked every time.
You have to understand that when sex addiction or other forms of betrayal in
marriage is involved, this drama triangle is most likely a trauma triangle. Her
actions or monster emotions need to be met with safety. I know your knee-jerk
reaction may be to spit fire back at her or explain why she is wrong, but you have to
learn to put down your defenses and meet her with tenderness and love. Wives are
responsible too, but when she is in trauma, she needs you to do this for her so she
can come back online and truly be present in this moment again.
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