It's been a while since I have had anything for #ProjectLemonade, but it is alive and well. This is an anonymous guest post written by another woman. It is such a privilege to share it here today!!! <3 Because Mark and I have made the decision to go public about pornography, sex addiction, and betrayal trauma, it places us in the unique position to give voice to the stories, experiences, ideas, and truths that otherwise would be left unspoken from the need to keep anonymity. If you have something that you feel would help make the way better for other women struggling with betrayal trauma and you would like it to be considered as an anonymous guest post like this or have ideas or experiences or you are willing to share your story, please reach out to me at willis.katy@gmail.com. One woman cannot change the world, but together, we can!!! <3 We can make the path smoother for other women who are or will be journeying behind us. Your voice is needed in this discussion!
Dear Readers,
Hello! I want to quickly introduce myself before I jump right in. I am in recovery, learning how to handle things in regards to my husband’s 30+ year addiction to pornography and masterbation. I didn’t know that I needed my own recovery, and was very resistant to the idea for a time. I’ve come to see that there are so many gifts in regards to my own recovery that I was missing out on and am eternally thankful for the things that I have learned over the last 1.5 years in which I’ve actively pursued a healthy recovery.
In pursuit of my own recovery, I attend Lifestar in Brigham City, UT (Lifestar is in other cities and states as well if you don’t live near Brigham) and am a regular at ARP meetings run by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This letter is something that I wrote as an assignment for my Lifestar group and am sharing it in hopes that it will give someone courage to face pain, which I did not see value in until now.
An important term to know: “Codependent” is basically an unhealthy way to cope with things.
If you have questions for me, I would love to share what I’ve learned. You can send questions to Katy and she will get them to me. (My husband is still in significant shame, so for now I need to remain anonymous, but my identity would likely surprise you.) In truth, I’m in debt to Katy for giving me the most loving and firm push to seek my own healing. I’m hoping to offer a taste of those fruits to others so that they can see a snippet of healing and find hope, which I lacked for so. many. years. Gratefully, I no longer feel the need to fight battles alone.
Sending love, prayers, and strength as you face your pain and finally begin to heal from deep wounds, whatever they may be. May you have the courage to pursue your own healthy recovery. I wish you the greatest success in finding Jesus through this process, as He is the key to the most thorough and complete healing. Perhaps we can heal together?
XO,
Myhusbandisaddictedtopornography
Dear Codependent Me,
I have so appreciated you over the years. You have made it so that I didn’t have to feel or address pain. I was able to cope with things and put way more on my plate than was possible to accomplish. You have made it acceptable to use food, social media, and other fun behaviors for comfort. You have comforted me and were never judgmental. Oh, how I found warmth in the security blanket that you provided.
Here’s the thing though: I’m over you. You aren’t real, and I need real. Every promise that you give is a version of a lie. Your comfort is only skin deep and the pain re-occurs. No one is helped and no one is healed.
Where is Christ in any of that? I was searching for Him, but He was never very visible. Do you want to know my secret though? I have found Jesus. Please don’t misunderstand, I am still seeking His face, but I didn’t know where He was. Like I said, I’ve found Him. As I faced what you had hid for so many years, I found Jesus in the strangest places. He was with me as I cried under my blanket. He held my hand when the weight of grief seemed crushing. I felt His sure promise that the heartache and grief were temporary yet necessary experiences. Where was Jesus? He was in the pain. And, because He’s in the pain, this gives Him the greatest ability to be in the healing, which I am experiencing and seeking.
Here’s the thing: I thought that He expected me to smile through the heartache and that faith was cheerfully pushing on. Yes, He is in the healing. The real healing. It was freeing to learn that I didn’t have to be something that I’m not. In fact, I believe that He likes me better this way. I like me better this way.
My new-found “real” self has met opposition in people who I was once like minded with. This has actually been a painful experience as old friends are distancing themselves and I have been misjudged. Their security blankets haven’t slipped away yet, and they don’t know what that’s like. I have compassion on them and will be here if it is ever ripped away. Here’s the trade off: I have gained some new friends. The intimate kind that I can laugh and cry with. The kind of friends who don’t judge me and who take the time to know my heart. The kind of friends who drop things to respond to my texts, call me when I’m struggling, and that I dine with on occasion. These friendships I can see enduring through the eternities and they have more depth.
Because I never really faced the heartache, I never overcame the pain. When denial slipped away, I had to face years of heartache in one fell swoop. It was terrible. Thinking about the pain makes my skin crawl and my stomach knot up, but thinking about the healing is a glorious thought that makes facing the pain worth every ounce of effort. Pain still comes, but I am working to no longer hide from it. I acknowledge the feelings and give them a place. After all, now I know that I can find the Savior in the process, and this gives Him the opportunity to truly heal me.
Co-dependent self, I can’t take you back. You aren’t welcome here any longer, and your presence is no longer needed. I can’t heal with you around. I’m no longer willing to paint a smile on my face, and I’m not as effective at assisting others with your occupation either. You are great at disguising yourself, and I am not perfect at deciphering your presence. Even still, I am looking for you and will face you head on from this point forward.
Sincerely,
Anonymous
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