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| I have discovered that I have toes!!! (And thanks to my body, so does Leland) |
I can't think of a time without you, yet how often do I remember you? You have always been with me, feeling me through the deepest joys and most discouraging pains. Thanks for waiting so patiently for me to discover you. You are finally becoming my friend!
It's because of you carrying my babies that I am a mother, but I have blamed you and told you that you failed me. The losses of miscarriages and frustrating roller-coasters of high-risk pregnancies seemed to be all your fault. No matter what I changed, you still couldn't do it. Now I know that I couldn't see what you were actually doing deep inside of me---like when we were given slim hope during Leland's pregnancy. A significant amount of the placenta pulled away early on in. The perinatologist told us the best we could hope for was for our baby to be born severely premature. My body wouldn't be able to keep up with his little body's demands, especially at the end of the pregnancy. My doctors were so sure of our grim chances, that I actually sewed a tiny burial outfit for Leland. But as we had our last appointment with the perinatologist in the third trimester, the perinatologist said he had never seen anything like this before. You did it!!! You completely and creatively compensated! Leland was not only healthy, but also the biggest baby we have ever had! You held on, made the impossible possible, and knew how to allow God's blessings to miraculously increase your function. Although I cannot see as tangibly in the other pregnancies, I am now confident that you did the same thing for us each time, too. You gave your all and then some no matter if you carried our babies for weeks or months! Plus you gave birth to four full-term babies, two of which you did naturally (with one of those births lasting for days!). You seriously rock!!! Because of you, I finally began to see just how amazing I am and that we can actually live together in harmony. I am amazed at the paradox you have exhibited in childbearing: both soft/gentle/nurturing AND strong/powerful/capable. I am grateful to you for my beautiful children and for the miracles you fully participated in to bring them safely into our arms.
Despite the miracles I have witnessed, I regret to admit that I have still had moments when I honestly hate you, especially when you embarrassingly take over in the aftermath of trauma. You have witnessed so much and now I see that my impatience, frustration, and loathing don't help with the burdens you carry. 7 years ago I was given a priesthood blessing. Mark and I were separated for the second time and divorce seemed eminent. I was promised physical health and that I would avoid the challenges so common for individuals in my situation of high-stress. The power of the priesthood has shielded you to function smoothly while staying in high-gear for so long. It's easy to forget just how much pain you have housed and stored because you have continued to do well day after day. As I am learning to truly live inside of you, I am beginning to finally see you. I will help you continue to release what has been saved for later.
The greatest abuses you have suffered have been at my own hands...not listening to you...not remembering to take care of you...pushing you and your needs aside so I could just get through the heartaches. I am sorry. I am learning to love you now. i am learning to breathe deeply. I am finally noticing you...and I have discovered that I have toes! I have shoulders! I have organs and muscles and bones! You are so beautiful and I am in awe with the intricate details of you, even in times of illness or difficulty. I am trying to care well for you now---ALL OF YOU---so you can continue to carry my spirit. And because I finally love you!
Thank you for always being there. Thank you for your essential role in my schooling, understanding, and experiencing in eternity. Thank you for teaching me about myself, alerting me to truth and lies, and for the strength you provide for my daily journey. I love you, body---exactly how you are---stretch marks, curves, freckles...what I once saw as only imperfections...and all! <3
XOXO
Katy
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