Deeper

“It is as though someone had set a never-ending array of curtains in space.  At first, each
curtain is lifted with the expectation it is the last, the conclusion of all space; but as one
relentlessly pursues his course it finally dawns on him that there is no end to these 
curtains.  Likewise, there is seemingly no end to the blessings the Atonement bestows,
no finale to the questions to be asked and answers to be found---at least not in our
mortal lifetimes.  It is a wonderfully, exhilarating, yet humbling pursuit---a finite mind
chasing the infinite...With each new truth, each new insight, even each new question,
the quest for truth, that truth which saves souls and builds faith and enlightens our
understanding of eternity, is being advanced, however small it may be on the scale
of cosmic verities” (Tad Callister, The Infinite Atonement, emphasis added)

I thought I understood the Atonement. And I did. My Savior and I have plunged deeply into the darkness and pain together over the years. I knew I didn't know everything about Him or His gifts. I knew there was more yet to learn and experience; however, I am absolutely astounded at my recent discoveries these past few months. I am amazed how everything from that past has now come together in order for me to be able to bear my present. He has continued to hold my hand, as together, we have peeled back curtain after curtain, but I had no idea that there was an entirely undiscovered room! This room actually has a hallway that opens up into a brand new mansion...a mansion that I will be exploring for years and years to come of further depths to His love for me personally and more expansive coverage of His grace in my life and weaknesses. He has been patiently waiting for me to discover this new deeper place and has carried me now and also through the years of required preparation in order to withstand the heat of these fiery trials that have completely broken me down again.

It's been 3 months since my life exploded. I'm still healing. I'm still fighting to keep feeling rather than sinking into numbness, some days more so than others. There have been some really dark days for me. Although this story will take a long time to finish writing, what I can tell you now is that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are there---even when we can't feel them because even when it feels dark, the is Light is still there. As we fight if we have to in order to reach for it, the Light will come. It always does even if we can't feel it. We are never alone, even if we feel like we are.

I couldn't tell you before the events of the past 7-ish months of what I am coming to KNOW through my experiences as a new-to-me way that we can bear through our afflictions and infirmities.  "Because of the Savior’s Atonement, we can have an eternal perspective that gives meaning to our trials and hope for our relief" (Also Tad Callister).

I was promised today in a beautiful priesthood blessing that my sorrows have purpose. If the only good that comes from the aches of the past year of my life is me having developed a depth and more compassion than I had previously, I will gladly receive this amazing gift!!! I have been shaped and changed, and although it's been painful and heavily sorrowful, I'm grateful to be able to hand over my heart to my Heavenly Father more deeply than ever before. I am grateful to develop deeper trust in my Heavenly Father. I am grateful to have experienced new and deeper levels of the Atonement and grace. I am grateful to be a deeper person now having experienced heart-breaking sorrows, losses, and discoveries about my personal weaknesses.