Depression

I wanted to be a more sensitive and compassionate leader and friend, so I started to read a book about depression and members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints called "Silent Souls Weeping." Although I learned so much from this wonderful book about supporting others through depression, to my complete shock, the more I read, the more I actually saw myself as well. Feeling my feelings and self awareness are relatively new to me in ratio to how long I have been detached from myself. Betrayal trauma marked the major turning point for that, so I always thought the "dark days" were only unresolved trauma.

Jane, the author, interviewed a number of individuals to put this book together; one after another, each individual quoted in the book described exactly how I feel on what I have always called "dark days." The more I read, the more confident I was that these "dark days" are actually deep bouts of depression, but I still wasn't sure. Mark had given me a priesthood blessing just a few days before I started reading. I was promised that I would finally be freed from the bondage that has held me captive for so long. He wasn't specific so I wasn't sure at that moment what was being referenced. The more I read though, I began to wonder if these "dark days" are what Heavenly Father was talking to me about in that blessing.

I have always been able to eventually find Light again and "snap out of it" every time, but in recent months, the "dark days" have been longer and deeper than ever before. Less than a week before I started reading, I had just pulled up out of a difficult round lasting more than two weeks, so the true depth of that darkness was thankfully still fresh on my mind.

Instead of staying silent, I decided to be brave and open up to Mark about it. He was (and has been) so tender and validating. Ironically, he said that I'm too on the go all the time for him to detect symptoms in me, but having witnessed the last round of darkness, he believed me. We talked it through and roughed out a game plan. I counseled with our stake president, who was wonderful. I scheduled an appointment with a therapist with the intent to just check and see if this is normal for what I have been through both recently and also with my past history of betrayal trauma. I have experienced so many losses in the past 6 months, many have been kept private to protect those involved. Maybe other people really struggle this deeply and it's just normal stuff, especially for what I'm processing through right now...? I'm grateful to have been connected with such a kind, knowledgable, and qualified therapist. After meeting with her last week, she confirmed that these "dark days" are indeed bouts of deep depression. Like so many other life experiences, it was both relieving and crushing all at the same moment.

We agreed together that I don't need meds since I have always been able to pull out "on my own," I have a fabulous support system, and I already have well-established tools in place that are working well for me as well as easy access to new tools. So I'm revisiting talk therapy as needed for the next little while, I'm back doing EMDR (oh, how I wish I had a fellow QNRT colleague within reasonable distance where QNRT is so much more gentle and thorough for me!), I started nuerofeedback last week, and I have extra yoga classes to attend on my calendar. I'm also revisiting sound nutrition and starting supplements based from super foods. In being honest with myself, good nutrition has slid so far from the important place I used to hold it.

We had a family counsel about it last night, and I feel so supported by Mark and the kids! It's time to implement and reimplement the systems for managing our home that eventually lost their habit because of the amount of time I have been gone from home in the past 18 months with my trainings, calling, and business, as well as having an irregular schedule (some nights I have meetings, other nights I don't) plus our extra household members significantly shifting our routine. It's time to reestablish order, organization, and more firm routine into our home again. Side-stepping all of this allowed us to get through the demands of the past 18 months of our lives; however, 18 months is a long, long time to let things slide and not expect to start bordering on insanity!!! :) The kids have been so compassionate, understanding, and willing to help with putting together a family plan and acting on it so far today. :)

Pushing technicalities aside and talking feelings...

Mark has been as gentle with me as I wish I had been with him when he went through anxiety/depression & suicidal thoughts almost 8 years ago. His love, support, understanding, and encouragement have been a lifeline for me! He would have every reason to become impatient with me limping along lately, especially because of my unkindness when he went through his own struggles, but instead, he has redoubled his efforts to help where he is able, offers a patient and caring listening ear, and has been a wonderful sounding board as we work through this together.

I have moments when I feel so broken right now. I'm finally okay with that. For the first time in my life, I'm willing to fully sink into that. My body has literally housed a life-time of pain that is finally coming to the surface. It's like what happened years ago when the betrayal trauma surfaced, but only on a bigger scale than I ever imagined possible.

The series of events were Divinely orchestrated to open all of this up and bring it to my awareness. Although overwhelming at some moments, I'm thankful that it's happening. I'm especially grateful for the perfect timing. I wouldn't have been able to bear it before now. Our Stake President talked about how my capacity has been enlarged through my calling and service this past year. I agree, and I believe that is why this is surfacing now...because I can finally face it head on now whereas I wouldn't have been able to before the growth that has brought me to this point. I have been carefully prepared to face this right now, and I know I'm not alone through this. My Heavenly Father and Savior have remained at my side, as well as angels and my ancestors, and I've had love and support from my earthly family and dear friends.

There is a voice in the back of my head whispering that if my students and clients know, they won't want to work with me. I can finally see it for what it is: a lie. While we were in our yoga teacher training, Sariah, our yoga instructor trained us to always teach from our bodies. When I lead a yoga class, every pose, every breath, every suggestion for mental or emotional awareness is coming from the experiences I have had with my own body. My body is the teacher of all of my yoga classes now.

In that same regard, now I can also teach my students and work with my clients from a place that knows depression. And now I think the opposite is actually true: the fact that I have been able to manage depression well enough on good days to not have troubles with it most of the time, and on days when it is really dark, I have always been able to navigate through and pull up and out, speaks to the validity of the the tools I offer my clients and students. Who wouldn't want to work with me after knowing that?!

That same voice has also tried to tell me that I can't be a sound leader or a righteous wife, mom, or friend, because on "dark days," I literally cannot feel the Spirit. I'm numb. Although I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are there, I can't feel Them at those times. It can be the most unnerving experience (if I allow it to be), and it is one that seems beyond articulation unless you have felt it personally.

For me, feeling is my "primary" form of receiving personal revelation, so on dark days, I don't have access to that (or that access is only in small doses and fleeting moments here and there...not what I'm used to on a normal day).

Heavenly Father has blessed me with some amazing experiences in the past month that have opened my eyes to the truth. He has given me the privilege to help many people lately by speaking to me through thoughts completely void of any feelings. I have discovered that thought is my "secondary" form of personal revelation. As I followed those thoughts, I was right 100% of the time. I even found out later that the one thought I didn't act on actually was Heavenly Father speaking to me! Because of the precision and timing most of the experiences required for me in listening to and acting on those promptings, I now know that I can be powerfully guided through thoughts as a form of personal revelation.

Now on "dark days," it's simply a matter of "switching over" to allow secondary to function as primary for me. I just need to focus more on thoughts than lack of feelings at those times of darkness and numbness. That's it! Also, I have learned that even though I can be having a "dark day," I can still have a powerful spirit accompanying me. Even if I myself cannot feel it with me, others still can. I can still be a leader and have depression! I can still receive the personal revelation necessary to be a wonderful wife, mom, and friend yet have depression! Heavenly Father is still there, helping me through those moments, even though I can't feel Him right then!

Like so many other life experiences, I may have been doing depression "backwards" from how most do it :) ...but like other life experiences, it's been absolutely perfect for the way it has unfolded for me. I am so blessed to already have established and deep spiritual roots. Because of how numb/detached I have been from my feelings and my own body, what was once a weakness now can, through Christ, become a strength to me.

I have spent most of my life living in my head and pursuing the spiritual, completely unaware of my breath, my feelings, my body, and the necessary things that tie me to this earth! But rather than continuing to be a weakness to "check out" like that, I can use my firm knowledge that God and Jesus Christ are there to deeply anchor me, root me, and hold me as I finally repel down into the full depths of the darkness.

I can choose to fully live in my body; however, taking Them with me allows me to live in and share Their love like I've never been able to in the past...because I haven't been willing to allow room for or fully acknowledge the darkness before. I am full of light and dark. I am finally willing to allow the full darkness to come to the surface, and I don't need to be afraid of this process. God is with me.

I'm sure I will be quickly and easily judged and misjudged by what I have written and shared here. That's okay. I have sadly been so harsh in the past about mental health too, impatient and critical of my own husband like I mentioned! Going through this has created in me a deeper well of compassion, especially for those who only have dark days or no relief in between rounds of darkness. I cannot describe to you the depths of darkness and hopelessness when you sink down that low!!! But I'm grateful to also know well the Light and to be able to tell you the marvelous joy of that place, too...the peace, the hope, the light-heartedness of the Light.

You may not believe how deeply my spiritual roots run and that's okay. I used to think that mental health was only a matter of not praying hard enough, studying the scriptures enough, or mismanaging thoughts. Like the blind man in the New Testament, I believed that mental health was an affliction based on sin or error or inability. I am already in a wonderful routine of daily spiritual nourishment, but, for me, I have learned that "dark days" are times that I need to simply keep reaching for Light. Because of such powerful personal experience, I don't want to minimize the power that comes from spiritual sources to manage mental health; however, although these things can contribute to and be a factor for mental health struggles, a lack of spirituality or the inability to manage thoughts are not the only reasons a person could struggle with mental health!!! Check out my picture at the beginning of the post if you didn't catch the contrasts in the brains!!!

You can't possibly know where I am spiritually, and that's okay. I don't share this with a shred of boasting or defensiveness. I am simply hoping to help you understand or be willing to have compassion as you interact with others struggling with mental health.

I can reassure you as best as I can that I KNOW not only that the gospel is true, but also how to use it to guide and sustain me in my personal daily life! Me facing depression isn't because I'm neglecting my spiritual care, not understanding the power of the gospel, or the unique peace I can only find in my Savior!

I am feasting every day in my scriptures, especially on "dark days!" Scripture study coupled with prayer is the most potent way I know to find Light on "dark days." Those times in my scriptures are often the only tiny ray of light I have that can penetrate through to a feeling level on a "dark day!"

I know how to dive into the scriptures and find peace and answers!

I know how to connect with my Heavenly Father in prayer!

I know how to reach to my Savior!

I attend the temple most weeks and find peace, answers, and sustaining power in that holy place as well as through the ordinance of the Sacrament every week!

I understand the power of my covenants!

Although my calling can't necessarily gauge my personal righteousness, I'm serving as Stake Relief Society President right now!

I'm also a life coach and have had years of private and group talk therapy. I'm well trained and aware how to personally rein in my thoughts and manage them instead of allowing them to run wild!

... Yet here I am telling you that I am struggling with depression right now.

Spiritually and mentally I'm sound and have deep roots, but right now my body needs a boost, some help, extra attention, and extra love.

{And that's okay.}

If you are reading this and see yourself in what I'm describing, I want you to know that you're okay, too. <3

Just like with betrayal trauma, I want you to know that I will be a safe place for you...a soft place to land.

Mark has been pushing me all week to sit down and write this post. Part of me honestly hasn't had a quiet minute, and the other part of me hasn't dared or wanted to take the chance by being vulnerable about this. But Mark is right, I need to help break the toxic silence.

You need to know you aren't alone and that you don't have to face the healing process alone.

If you read this, reach! Reach out to someone who loves you like I did! Don't stay alone in the darkness!!!

Although I'm new to all of this, if there is anything we can do to help you connect with resources, find your footing, or simply be a listening ear, me and my family are here for you!!! <3 <3 <3

Lately, I have had a number of individuals showing up on our doorstep needing support and help through addiction or trauma. I love that you know that our door and our hearts are always open! We may have to schedule a better time to talk, :) but we care and we are here for you!!!

A beautiful thought came to me last night as I was leading our family Come, Follow Me discussion. One reason I now believe Heavenly Father had to withdraw from Jesus Christ while He was on the cross was so that our Savior could experience spiritual death...so He could fully support us by knowing what it is like to be in that place where we can't feel Heavenly Father's presence on those "dark days."

So although there are qualified professionals who can and will help and support you, family members and friends who love you, leaders who will do their best to stand by you, and my own family as a starting point if you need us to be, you have more than all of us could ever offer you!!! You have a Savior who understands "dark days" personally. He loves you. He and your Heavenly Parents know you and are aware of you. Reach for Them, and They will reach back to you and guide your footsteps.