Lately I have been doing some very brave things (just in case you have somehow missed them). :) Although I have blogged fairly openly for almost 4 years about addiction, it's only been recently that I have had the courage to open up and speak more directly than ever before. This little music video represents all sorts of brave as the wife of a recovering sex addict from the lies surrounding body image, to the voices that have screamed in my head, "How dare you think you can do something like this," to the courage to stand up at all and speak out...to risk being vulnerable, knowing not everybody will understand or be ready to receive my message. But it isn't my message anyway, so what is there to fear?
Here it another chance I have taken to be all kinds of brave. I can't convey my experience through words like I can through music. If I could somehow tell you exactly what I have been through because of my husband's addiction, you still couldn't possibly understand. Even among wives of sex addicts, our experiences are so unique from each other that although we can lend great support and understanding to one another, we still don't completely understand all of the details of each other's experiences. But Christ knows! I remember the budding thought that maybe Christ could help me. It flickered as the tiniest glimmer of hope that has grown into faith, and now, in some aspects of my life, to a sure knowledge. Although I am still learning, growing, and I'm an obvious work-in-progress, this I know: Christ completely understands. Christ not only understands, but His grace can also carry each one of us regardless of the details of our lives or situations. It's not like God would say, "Ooops! When I was planning all of this out to send my children down to earth, I accidentally overlooked this experience of mortality." or "Whoops! I overlooked that aspect of your personal plan." We are ***completely and entirely*** covered by Jesus Christ if we will but allow ourselves to be. Every heartache, every pain, every sin, every difficulty. Covered! And being the wife of a recovering sex addict (or whatever else you may be facing) isn't an exception either. What was missing for me was understanding that Truth in general, and then what that meant for the details of my personal life.
God has been with me every step of the way through the heart-wrenching details and the ensuing darkness as I have made my way back toward the light. Although I don't entirely understand how, I KNOW that because of the Atonement and the way my Savior lived His life, He has been through all of this too. He knows the suffocating darkness, hopelessness, and discouragement because it has been HIS TOO. He has descended below all things to make it possible for me to find relief. And not just any generic relief, but the exact relief I need from moment to moment to guide me, sustain me, and bring me peace. I have learned that I can take the details of the pain from betrayal trauma (and the rest of the details as the wife of a recovering addict or whatever else) to Him and He will heal me. He already has helped me come so far! I will praise Him again and again because of His love and His grace---He has helped me to begin to become whole again!
PS...if you didn't catch it, I have a book coming out soon!!! Squeal! That will need to be a big announcement for another post as soon as I can get it together. In my book I walk the reader through healing betrayal trauma with Jesus Christ. I also do my best to spell out exactly what I did (without my own story getting in the way) to be to this point of healing. I will give you a big fat hint: it has nothing to do with me. :) More to come soon. For now, enjoy this message of hope!
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