I'm in trauma, but
it isn't rage---white and hot.
Nor is it panic or even fear.
Instead this time it's a grayish funk
...a mind-numbing mist.

It's faint enough that I am aware of it,
yet too strong for me to remove it.
I have felt this way before.

Every Fall this fog sets in.
Each year with less power
than the year before.

Every Fall, I've learned to wait
for I am not navigating this alone.
Although Christ's miraculous grace
has broken through the darkness
immediately before,
That's not the kind of miracle
He has in mind for this.

And so I fight and plead.
I pray.
This haziness doesn't change 
what I already know.
I know my prayers are piercing Heaven!
I know I'm not alone!
I know God loves me too!
And so I beg for strength to hold on.

And just as instantly as Christ can break through,
this time it's instant as well.
It takes more time to recognize
His grace is always there!

He acts as my bouy 
and although it's not my 
first or second choice,
He holds my head above the water
until He can rescue me.

Sometimes He sends help through the scriptures
as I read words just for me.
Sometimes it's a loving friend who knows what I need.
Other times it's on my yoga mat or other body work.
My body, mind, and spirit all know
that today is my Trauma-versary.

Each time it's different, yet every time
His love is in the message.
"You'll be alright,"
"I'll help you through,"
"I will visit your pain with compassion."

For without compassion there is no grace.
But I know in whom I have trusted.
And so I wait through the dark days
knowing Christ's grace is sufficient.