Let your Light Shine: Seasoned...

I panicked as I drove up the canyon and saw the explosion of fall colors. I hadn't looked carefully at the map; I hadn't expected it to be up in the mountains! How could I do this today? The farther I drove, the more my vision was clouding over with the tears that were now streaming down my face. My chest began to feel heavier and heavier as I sobbed. I reminded myself to find my breath, wiggle my toes, and do my best to ground. I prayed.

There is the saying, "What wires together, fires together," meaning whatever surroundings or circumstances are present as we experience traumatic events are recorded by our brains and associated with the trauma. It means that it can also trigger unresolved trauma in the future as we encounter those same details again later. Summer changing to Autumn has been deeply wired with the betrayal trauma for me. It was this time of year that aligned with the circumstances in my life. As Autumn slowly crept in 7 years ago, my life started to fall apart and Mark's mental health became increasingly challenging for our family. The first signs of Autumn have continued to "fire off" the unresolved trauma every year for the past several years. Each year there is less and less trauma left to trigger, yet once again this year, I experienced a "trauma-versary" reaction.

At first I didn't recognize it for what it was. I haven't been in trauma since January. I had forgotten this dark place because my new normal is so full of light. "Not being enough" has been at the roots of the betrayal trauma for me. The Adversary began to take "cheap shots" at me. Old tactics would no longer work because of how many layers my Savior has helped me to peel back with this in the past year. I know who I am and who I was before I came to this earth. I know why I was sent to this planet and what my purpose and mission is. I know that I will alway be enough and have everything that I need with my Savior at my side. And so, the targets for the trauma started to go into new territory this time. The Adversary began to rage in my heart whispering awful lies that were, at first glance, difficult to detect. They were actually based on truth and mostly true!

I began to feel very uncomfortable as a leader.

"You are too young."

"You are the age of your peers' children or grandchildren."

"You have no idea what you are doing."

"You have never been a leader before, so you can't be a leader now."

"You don't have enough experience to understand formal meeting etiquette."

"You are awkward and inexperienced."

"You aren't what a stake RS president should be, so people are going to stumble because of you."

On and on it went. Although it seemed like it was new, it was actually a deceptive mutation of the same old strain of "not being enough." I have learned to quickly recognize moments like this for what they are...not from a source of light. I couldn't let these lies take root and grow, but this time it was more difficult than normal to just shake it off. Then I made the connection as to why I am more vulnerable than normal. It's that time of year and so my armor is more rundown that usual because of keeping my head above water with the trauma.

So I did what I always do that has never failed me yet. I reached upward, inward, and outward for light. Even though I didn't feel it as clearly as I do normally, I did it anyway. I prayed and pleaded with my Heavenly Father. I asked my Savior to "comfort my soul in Christ" (Alma 31). I asked Mark for a blessing. I talked it through with him. I reached out to my presidency and a few other dear friends and asked them to pray for me. I opened my scriptures. I did some yoga. One of my dearest friends took me on a walk. She listened and tenderly prodded and poked the shameful and dark mass welling up in my heart. My friend pointed out that my Stake President was called to be a leader at a young age too. At her suggestion, I emailed him (which in my case is my direct Priesthood leader with my calling). He responded quickly, sensitively, and with compassion and cleared his schedule to meet with Mark and me this morning.

In the mean-time, yesterday I drove up to the mountains near Provo for a yoga retreat. I needed to finish up some of my hours for my yoga teacher training. Moments before I started heading up the canyon, I had found peaceful thoughts that brought temporary refuge. I was listening to Saints and realized that I'm not the first young or new leader that God has schooled and mentored. My thoughts turned to Moses and Enoch (who was also but a lad at the time of being called to lead the people). :) Their God is also my God! My Heavenly Father has never abandoned me or mislead me. I know I can trust Him with this process too.

The signs of Autumn are not yet as obvious near my home as they are in the mountains, so I was surprised to be greeted by full-blown Autumn. Despite the trigger, I made it safely and had such a beautiful day! Not only did I get to move and listen to my body, but we also were invited to go on a mini vision quest. We went out in nature alone and listened for "Creator" to speak to us through nature in regards to the intention we came to the retreat with. My intention was to work through the last shreds of this trigger. As I felt led to a beautiful spot in the sunshine, I sat down and soaked in the warmth and light. As I closed my eyes, I could not deny that the light and warmth remained despite me being able to see the sun. I thought of the feeling of sinking when I slip into trauma reactions. Just like the sun being there even when I couldn't see it with my physical eyes, my Savior is still there in those moments of darkness. As I opened my eyes, I began to notice the leaves dancing as they dropped from the trees. I realized that like those trees, I too can let go just as gracefully and beautifully. Then it hit me. There are other seasons ahead. Unless those trees let go and drop their leaves, they will not experience the restfulness of winter nor the rebirth of spring nor the fruits of summer. There are other seasons ahead in my life too! It's time to fully let go. I don't need to hold onto "not being enough" any more in any form. It simply no longer has a hold. I don't believe that it means that I won't ever doubt or wonder again, but what it does mean is that I am finally on the downhill side of this troublesome root from the betrayal trauma. As I went back to our camp area, there was a yellow leaf carefully placed on my blanket. As we gathered around the fire to process our experience, yet another leaf dropped directly into my lap. As I picked it up and examined it, I noticed that it had been nibbled away by a caterpillar in places to form a perfect heart shape. What a beautiful gift to me and the reminder Autumn leaves now are for me as we move more fully into this season. I can gracefully let go so I can experience the other seasons yet ahead.

This morning my Stake President talked to me about the difference between experience and being seasoned. It is true that I am young. It is true that I don't come to the table with every experience that is possible or might be nice to have as a leader. However, I have been seasoned through all of the fiery trials and life experiences that have shaped me into who I am today. He likened it to cooking. Although there are plenty of other ways to season dishes as we are desiring specific tastes or flavors, I have been seasoned in very specific ways. Not everyone likes Chinese food or Indian food and that is okay.  Even if we don't like it, it still offers sustenance and nourishment. I won't be everyone's "cup of tea" as a leader. Not everyone will resonate with my leadership style or insight and that is okay. No two leaders will be the same because no two individuals are the same. Although there are plenty of other seasoned individuals, for whatever reason, God needs the ways that I have been seasoned. He needs the ways that I have been carefully prepared because certain individuals need this certain seasoning at this time in our stake. What of those individuals who have been hungering and waiting for what I have to offer? God needs me.

And He needs you too. You have been, are, or will be called, too. Maybe it's in your calling or the opportunities you have to serve in your church or community. Maybe you aren't sure if you can say yes because of inadequacy.

You are called to minister to those around you---both by assignment and in everyday living. Maybe, like me, you aren't so sure if you are the right person.

You are called to be a parent (or not one).

You are called to be a spouse (or not one).

You are called to pass through difficulties, doubt, challenges, opportunities to learn and grow and be stretched that can make you shake in your boots and brings up the fear that you can't do it.

But just like I have been seasoned, you have been seasoned too. Although you may not come with the past experience you think would do the job the best, God has been shaping you and refining you. He has seasoned you just as He needs you so you can stand up and let your light shine in the ways that are unique to you. He knows you. He knows His other children. He has carefully calculated your life to prepare you and so that your path will purposely cross with His other children who need the seasoning that only you can offer. So stand up! Shine bright by being exactly who you are! You don't need to doubt and you don't need to be afraid.

As you pass through different times and seasons of your life---seasons of heartache or difficulty as well as seasons of joy and peace---you can trust that there are other seasons yet ahead as He continues to shape, mold, and season you for the future work He has for you. (I had to throw in that play on words) :)

So go do it and remember to take you Savior with you at whatever point you may be in your journey right now!