Building a Fortress

These are my peeps! <3 Left to right: Leland (8), Gavin (10), Sennika (11), Shipton (5)

I realized that I haven't written in a very long time about one part of my life that is close to my heart: the immense joy of being Mom to these incredible souls! <3 It feels miraculous to me that I can still put my tiny dent into making the world a brighter place with my work and my calling, yet still spend more time with these four than anyone else. I don't necessarily have anything profound to say, but want to share the simple joy and acknowledge who I spend most of my time with.

Shipton built a "time machine."

I am privileged to be a stay-at-home, homeschooling mama most of the time. I love that with working for myself with my small business, I can set my own hours---allowing me to pour my heart into motherhood with very little interruption. In an important and connecting conversation with one of my children this week, I was reminded profoundly just how essential and sacred my work as Mom is. Moms make things comfortable, warm, and soft. That doesn't mean that I can shield my children from life's painful experiences or losses (or that I actually want to), but I believe it means I can help soften life's blows---to give a safe place to land as I walk alongside my children in their journeying. I can help build a safe haven...a place of peace...a fortress...as the goddess of my home.

Leland made a giant origami sword.

I never pictured myself returning to the professional world while I still had children at home because my understanding of the important work I do day after night after day runs deep. And I just plain and simple love being a mom. I love the loud clamor of the kids engaged in creative projects and play. I love the tickle wars and the superman rides. I love rocking in the rocking chair and how even my big kids still melt into me. I love the hugs, kisses, and snuggles. I love the delicious laughs of pure delight. I love hiding under the covers inside a cave or under the ocean or wherever imagination has taken us in that moment. I love reading to my kids and that they love it back. I love staying up late to spend individual time with each child. I love that my baby still asks to be sung to sleep and for me to lay by him. I love the outings and exploring this amazing world together. I love bouncing on the tramp with them and that they beg me to come join them...as long as I don't jump too hard after having given birth to all of them. :) I love being their teacher---not only in academic subjects, but also teaching them about God, their Savior, life, and love. I am learning to even love the brotherly mischief with a household of boys...at times...but covering their arms, hands, and ears in marshmallow goo today...didn't exactly fall into one of those moments. :) I love simply being with my children---taking them in and breathing in their goodness, innocence, and genuine efforts to understand and find their own path. I truly, truly love what I do at home.

Gavin gets to represent our unit as Scout of the Year.

Words are inadequate to tell you how low the lows can be as Mom. Many aspects of what I do could easily be labeled as "boring," "redundant," or "mundane."After the recent earthquakes in my life, I am reminded just how important the simple things are to a child and the stability and comfort they bring---hot meals, clean laundry, comfortable bed, a safe space to be themselves. Consistency. Reliability. I can get so tired by the end of the day with the physical aspects of mothering alone. Plus it's a tough job nurturing each individual child and staying with it through the challenges. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. My heart hurts with theirs as they experience loss and rejection and face challenges that seem too big for their small bodies and minds. I'm sad with their sad. I'm disappointed when I know they know they could have done better or made a kinder choice. My heart breaks when they finally open up about something that has been bothering them for a long time or admit their self doubts...But words also fall terribly short to express the highs of the highs....Those moments you know that what you do truly, deeply matters...that they are listening and observing...soaking in every word and life lesson you are offering them. Even those lessons that we end up teaching "backwards" like modeling that you can always apologize rather than modeling how to manage your emotions in hard moments or talking about your long road of repentance rather than making better choices up front... The moments of honesty when you heart about bursts with the courage it took for them to speak up or reach out... The moments they trust you enough to hand you their vulnerability and grant you the privilege of guiding them inward to finding themselves and forward in their journey. The words, "I love you, Mom" instantly melt away a thousand, "I hate you, Mom's."

Senn loves using her temple recommend and learning about and serving our ancestors.

The longer I parent, the more I realize just how very little I actually know, but just for the record... I <3 my job as Mom!!!