I also help my students begin to discover the connections to the shapes we are making and what is going on inside of us (or vice versa). As I've played with these concepts within my own body, mind, and emotions, I've made incredible discoveries.
Because I see myself more clearly, I'm able to see others more clearly too. Not in a creepy stalker kind of way, :) but I'm observing the various shapes individuals around me are making. It's fascinating to be able to pick up on the burdens or "loads" they are carrying inside by noticing the physical evidences in the shapes they are making on the outside. We can hold and carry our bodies as if there is a real physical load compressing down or pinching in to create the shapes we are able to make, yet the weight can very often be emotional and inside of us.
One dramatic change in my own shape started about 6 months ago while in LA. I had a masterful private session with a Kundalini/Hatha yogi like me named Guru Prem. Anatomically, I've been focusing on engaging my navel so my pelvis is freed up to a different alignment. This has opened up my heart area. It's taken quite a bit of awareness to relearn how to hold my body in this new alignment in every shape I'm making. The old shape had protected me for so long.
Emotionally, it has required me to courageously drop the learned protective shell and be myself in all my unique bigness and vibrancy (navel). This confidence in who I truly am has allowed me to flow with life around me and within me more easily (pelvic area). This shift has created an authentic love within me (heart center)...love in its true form: no strings attached. I give because I truly want to give...or I don't because it wouldn't really be love if I acted in those ways in those moments. :)
It was hard at first because it brought up a massive surge of unprocessed emotional stuff. I had shoved down a lot for a long time. This new shape felt so different because it was much more open. I began to soften and live in this new shape of deep vulnerability. Now that it feels like home, I love the freedom this shape has created within me.
It started as a sharp pain in my left hip two days ago then settled into my low back and pelvic area today. A weight. A load. A burden. I won't go into specific details, but I know exactly what brought it on and why my body is trying to talk to me right now. I've had to crunch back down into my old shape the past few days because the weight in my heart has been too crushing to stand in my new shape. I'm confident I didn't hurt myself physically, and, again, I know exactly what the emotional/mental load is. (Please understand I'm not sharing my experience in lieu of encouraging others to seek sound medical care when needed). <3
Here it is in a nutshell. I love people so deeply and sincerely and completely. That is one of my gifts to genuinely care so much about others. I even love complete strangers (who quickly become my friends). :) The weakness that can go with this strength is not recognizing what part is mine, what part is the other individual's, and what part is God's. I can easily end up carrying the whole entire load because I think it's all mine. It's an old pattern that runs deep.
In a recent priesthood blessing, my Heavenly Father spoke to me about His awareness of how hard I've fought to preserve my own life. It's so deeply personal, yet our recent pregnancy was completely on purpose knowing full well the risks we were taking. He spoke of knowing how hard we have fought for each one of our children's lives---both those that we get to love here on this earth and those who are on our team of guardian angels.
I have been carrying the burden that isn't mine to carry for my community and my church congregation---trying to come up with solutions and problem solve...worrying about those who may not fully understand, may step forward with blind faith rather than seeking for their inner knowing or personal revelation, or are unable to protect themselves. I want to protect everybody and have been fighting so hard to do that the past few months!!!
It can be heartbreaking to fight with everything you have and still lose someone.
Thanks to this process the past few days, I can see that I've been carrying not only my part, but also, I've been trying to carry others' parts as well as God's part. I didn't even realize what I was trying to do until my body started speaking to me.
So after a hot bath, time with God, stiffly moving on my yoga mat, and a long walk trying to soften and experiment with my shape, for whatever reason, my body is still maintaining this shape. I've followed up a priesthood blessing with a good body cry. I've allowed the power of breath to go where words cannot touch by long deep breathing intentionally down to this heavy load in my low back. And I'm washing it all down with the medicine of writing.
Our Savior's words have been going through my head for the past few hours:
"Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me; And none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost" (D&C 50:41 & 42).
I'm giving back what (thankfully) isn't mine. All I can do is my part. The rest is completely out of my hands. I'm ready to return to that place of peace available to each one of us. I've discovered it is possible to have peace even when life doesn't turned out as we expected it would. That peace is found in Jesus Christ.
Regardless of what the coming days bring to those I love, I've had too many life experiences to believe that we can ever be "lost" to God. Our Savior covers us in life and death. He covers us in the twists and turns of our journeys. God knows and sees each of His children, and we are in His loving and wise care.
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