Be Still


I found out during our engagement that my husband had struggled his entire youth with addiction.  I prayed and it was reconfirmed once again that I should marry Mark.  The only thing I would consider changing, in hindsight, would have been to be proactive. I love seeing engaged or even dating couples attending 12-step together.  I think it is wonderful they are going into things with their eyes wide open.  At the time we met he was a newly returned missionary with a current temple recommend.  I felt like it wasn't my place to pry or dig up things from the past.  If he had worked it out with his Priesthood leaders and severed an honorable mission, I didn't need to worry about it.
We meant well, but we honestly didn't understand the difference between sobriety and recovery.  We assumed "been there, done that" and we would never deal with it as a couple.

Our life together was overall stable and predictable for the first 7 years of our marriage.  In year 7, we were hammered with difficulty after difficulty.  What we feel like happened is that even though he hadn't acted out on his addiction in all those years, he had never learned healthy ways to deal with stress.  Under the pressure of it all he cracked.  He relapsed and began fighting anxiety, depression, and was suicidal. I didn't fully comprehend at the time how deeply I was effected by his choices. Later I learned that what I was facing has a name: betrayal trauma.

This blog speaks about our journey. I have written about that time of darkness as our life unraveled, the process of working through it, and what it is like being almost 7 years out since Mark's last relapse. It is my hope that those who find their way to this blog will see they are not alone in their own difficulties.  Be sure to check out the Resources Page for in-person resources located in Northern Utah as well as online resources for betrayal trauma (and resources for clergy to support individuals struggling with betrayal trauma). You can read real life stories shared by other women on the My Name is Katy Page. The Project Lemonade Page can help you catch the vision of how very needed you are to pay it forward and support the women who are or will come behind you.

Finally, you may be interested in my book, Ministering from the Inside Out. Although I don't share many details of my personal story in it, I am able to speak about the gospel of Jesus Christ because of what I went through with betrayal trauma. Facing betrayal trauma and healing from it has changed me just like I hope it has or will change you, too. My message has a broad application since I focus on the patterns I was taught and discovered (which apply to each one of us regardless of whether we have been through betrayal trauma or not); however, I was drawing from my experiences with betrayal trauma as I wrote it. I share the doctrines and principles that have changed me and my life. I do my best to guide the reader to discover their own personal application.

I speak boldly and confidently of Christ. It is my greatest hope that at you spend time here on my blog it won't just be a read it and walk away experience, but that my words can point you to Him who can bring peace, strength, and endurance.  Although this is my journey, I hope that you can clearly see the patterns and find ways to consider on the details in your own life.  It's important to note that I have written in the order it happened for me.  As you read my experiences and consider on the challenges or opportunities to study deeper, it may not be the same order for you. Maybe you can come back when that part of my journey is close to where you may be working later. You may find similarities from what I share to your own journey and experience; however, the details will be different for you or maybe not at all like mine. And that's okay.

There are people who see what I have and want it.  Although I cannot promise you that your life will go exactly how you want, that you will pass through addiction still married, or whatever has brought you here or makes you keep coming back. It isn't mine to give.  But I can show you how I got to where I am. It is simply how it worked for me (but doesn't mean it will be that way for you). I am seeking to write clearly about the patterns that I have discovered that bring peace and joy. This process has required ACTION.  I pray that you will take courage to "experiment upon [the] word" as I share in my own voice the doctrines and principles that have changed me and my life.

Much love,

Katy






The Darkest Parts of Addiction:

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